One year ago today – my life changed forever!!! At 3:30 pm on this day last year I received the call that made me look at and live life a little differently – but then again, the words “you have cancer” have a way of doing that.
A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.
Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!
At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.
November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!
One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Quick update from Dr's appt
I just wanted to write a quick update from the doctor’s appointment I had today. The appointment was to go over the results of the CT scan from Tuesday. As the phone call from the doctor’s office had stated – there are no new masses. This is wonderful news!!!! So now I just need to pray and convince my body to keep the cancer where it is!! Dr. Gareis and I also talked more about the results from the PET scan in July. She showed me the report – and there it was in black and white – “high levels of abnormal activity in the left thyroid”. I know that the doctors have already told me this, but I just think the impact is so much greater in black and white. Yes the doctor’s told me there was still cancer, but truthfully in the back of mind I kept on thinking that maybe they read the report wrong. No such luck.
Dr Gareis then suggested having a needle biopsy done. I have had one of these in the past (back when the whole cancer possibility started). These are very nerve racking things!! No matter how “use to” needles I am – it is a little scary to have six or so needles shoved into my neck!!! I declined to have this biopsy done. And here is my reasoning behind it – confirmed by the doctor, there would not be any action taken from the results of the biopsy, it would simply be yet another test. No treatment action is going to take place until after the PET scan in November. My body is already worn out – why should I subject myself to yet another test.
We talked a little more about the tiredness and overall “not feeling well”. The doctor believes that it is a combination of the Lymphoma, the thyroid, and the stress. I told her that my biggest worry is that people (including myself) look at me and think that I should be able to do anything because I am currently not going through any treatments. The doctor said that this is normal and that it is going to take my body a while to come back to where it was.
My next appointment is the week after we return from Ireland. From there we will schedule the PET scan for the first week of November. Until then…living life. The doctor said that the trip will do me a world of good and will help me “escape” for a little.
We now tune back to our regularly happy self…sorry for the down time…
Dr Gareis then suggested having a needle biopsy done. I have had one of these in the past (back when the whole cancer possibility started). These are very nerve racking things!! No matter how “use to” needles I am – it is a little scary to have six or so needles shoved into my neck!!! I declined to have this biopsy done. And here is my reasoning behind it – confirmed by the doctor, there would not be any action taken from the results of the biopsy, it would simply be yet another test. No treatment action is going to take place until after the PET scan in November. My body is already worn out – why should I subject myself to yet another test.
We talked a little more about the tiredness and overall “not feeling well”. The doctor believes that it is a combination of the Lymphoma, the thyroid, and the stress. I told her that my biggest worry is that people (including myself) look at me and think that I should be able to do anything because I am currently not going through any treatments. The doctor said that this is normal and that it is going to take my body a while to come back to where it was.
My next appointment is the week after we return from Ireland. From there we will schedule the PET scan for the first week of November. Until then…living life. The doctor said that the trip will do me a world of good and will help me “escape” for a little.
We now tune back to our regularly happy self…sorry for the down time…
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Update & brutal honesty...
*Pre-read warning…the following was written on August 31st – before my appointment with Dr Gareis…to skip to the results…please scroll down to “Post Dr Visit”. I also will apologize to those of you who always say how strong I am…because this post shows that I have weak moments.
So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…
The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.
First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.
Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!
Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.
Post Dr. Appointment…
As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.
So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.
I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue. I need happy and upbeat!!!!
Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!
So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…
The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.
First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.
Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!
Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.
Post Dr. Appointment…
As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.
So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.
I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue. I need happy and upbeat!!!!
Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Quack!!
Quack!!! I am a sitting duck…or at least that is what I feel like. I met with the surgeon today. He looked at my vocal cords and voice box. He believes that they are fine and the abnormalities are a residual from the radiation and chemo. However – that still leaves the left thyroid that is showing “high levels of activity (cancer)”. He didn’t have the PET scan in front of him but said that there is no way they can remove the thyroid this close to post treatments. I said “but, the high levels of activity…I just want it gone” – but they are unable to do that. Don't get me wrong - I am very happy that the surgeon feels the abnormalities of the vocal chords and voice box are not cancerous. I'm very grateful that it is not spreading.
I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.
You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.
So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.
As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!
I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.
You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.
So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.
As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!
Friday, July 16, 2010
July 16th, 2010
July 16, 2010 – another date to go in the memory banks. I called the doctor’s office this morning to see if they had the results from my PET scan in. They did. The woman told me that the doctor was out of the office today, but she would put a call into them…I told her that I did not care who called me, a doctor, a PA, a nurse, or even a medical assistant, I just wanted to know the results. Well, that’s what I get for wanting to know so bad…a PA (physician’s assistant) returned my call. It seems that the cancer is as stubborn as I am!!! There is a lot of activity going on in the left thyroid (only one I have left). Which means the fucking cancer is not gone!!!! (Pardon my French – but it makes me mad).
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Small Update...
So I guess it’s been a while huh?? Well – I am still here, and I am still kicking (pretty hard actually). Let’s see since my last blog entry in May…
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
I also had the honor of being one of the speakers at this year’s Luminaria ceremony during Relay. At the ceremony four survivors read the meaning behind each letter in the word “Hope” I read for the letter “e”. I cannot even begin to tell you how nervous I was. My biggest fear was that I would break down and start crying half way through the ready. Not so – I actually made it through without shaking, tears shed or anything else. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Those who came out to support me and our team were just awesome. I had no idea the amount of support I had!!! Relay was such a blast!!! I can’t wait to do it again next year!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Living Life...
Yes, yes – I know I am terrible at updating…I’m sorry. I get so wrapped up in living life that I forget to write about it.
First things first…the important information…I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!!! In all caps – just in case you questioned how excited I am. Tuesday, April 27th was my last radiation treatment!!!! I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st just to see how I am doing off of the radiation. I can not tell you how excited I am to not have to be strapped down to a table by my head and lay there while large amounts of radiation are shot to my neck. Doesn’t sound so appealing does it???
They let me keep my radiation mask…I think it is only fitting that I have a little destroying ceremony. So at the Relay for Life, June 18th-19th everyone on the team will get to help cut up the mask into itty bitty pieces…and each piece destroyed will represent the cancer that was destroyed!!!
On Thursday, May 13th I had a follow up with my hem-onc doctor, Dr. Gareis. They checked my port and took blood. My port is still functioning well; which is good since I will need to keep it for at least another 4 months. Dr. Gareis is very pleased with how my levels are coming up since radiation. I will go back to see her on July 8th and we will schedule my first post treatment PET scan. This scan will be the base scan of which the one following it (3-4 months) will be compared to. It will be at this time they will determine if I am cancer free or if more chemo is necessary. I think we all know what outcome I am praying for!!!! Dr. Gareis told me to not worry about the next couple of months and to live my life as though there is no cancer. That is the plan!!! I wasn’t going to celebrate being cancer free until I got that PET scan, but I don’t think I can wait that long to celebrate the big accomplishment I have already made!!! Party to come soon.
So since radiation is over I am trying to get back to life pre-cancer. Or at least what will be the new normal. As far as work – my doctor wanted me to ease back into full days for the Month of May and by June I will be back to 40 hours a week. The fatigue is the biggest battle right now. I am pretty good at ignoring pain and fatigue…but this type of fatigue only gets ignored for so long. I can’t wait for the days of leaving work, heading to the gym, and then home for dinner and household chores. I have been averaging 1-2 days at the gym per week. Last week I played five innings of softball!! All in good time is what I keep telling myself. This past week I could feel my energy level draining day by day. By Saturday I was beat and still had the weekend to get through. I made it through. And I would like to apologize to Doug for being so cranky…I will admit that when I get that tired – I am not a nice person to be around.
I’m trying really hard to grow the little peach fuzz on the top of my head. I can not wait to not have to wear this wig to work anymore. When I am at home or friends I let the peach fuzz free; out in public I wear a hat; and playing sports or at the gym I wear a bandana. Yesterday I was at Target and was completely stunned by a woman who came up to me and said “I like your hair style. It’s very cool (temperature) for this weather. I am going to get mine done like that.” I was completely stunned – I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t until she walked away that I processed it. I mean really?!?! What should I have said – “thank you” or should I have totally stunned her back and said “yeah you should never let chemo be your hair stylist.” Crazy!!! I was wearing a hat and when I have a hat on it is clear there is no hair there!!! Oh well.
So that’s pretty much it for now – just living life post cancer treatments. And trying really hard not to tick Doug off too much when I am tired and cranky. Just have to find that balance until my stamina returns.
First things first…the important information…I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!!! In all caps – just in case you questioned how excited I am. Tuesday, April 27th was my last radiation treatment!!!! I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st just to see how I am doing off of the radiation. I can not tell you how excited I am to not have to be strapped down to a table by my head and lay there while large amounts of radiation are shot to my neck. Doesn’t sound so appealing does it???
They let me keep my radiation mask…I think it is only fitting that I have a little destroying ceremony. So at the Relay for Life, June 18th-19th everyone on the team will get to help cut up the mask into itty bitty pieces…and each piece destroyed will represent the cancer that was destroyed!!!
On Thursday, May 13th I had a follow up with my hem-onc doctor, Dr. Gareis. They checked my port and took blood. My port is still functioning well; which is good since I will need to keep it for at least another 4 months. Dr. Gareis is very pleased with how my levels are coming up since radiation. I will go back to see her on July 8th and we will schedule my first post treatment PET scan. This scan will be the base scan of which the one following it (3-4 months) will be compared to. It will be at this time they will determine if I am cancer free or if more chemo is necessary. I think we all know what outcome I am praying for!!!! Dr. Gareis told me to not worry about the next couple of months and to live my life as though there is no cancer. That is the plan!!! I wasn’t going to celebrate being cancer free until I got that PET scan, but I don’t think I can wait that long to celebrate the big accomplishment I have already made!!! Party to come soon.
So since radiation is over I am trying to get back to life pre-cancer. Or at least what will be the new normal. As far as work – my doctor wanted me to ease back into full days for the Month of May and by June I will be back to 40 hours a week. The fatigue is the biggest battle right now. I am pretty good at ignoring pain and fatigue…but this type of fatigue only gets ignored for so long. I can’t wait for the days of leaving work, heading to the gym, and then home for dinner and household chores. I have been averaging 1-2 days at the gym per week. Last week I played five innings of softball!! All in good time is what I keep telling myself. This past week I could feel my energy level draining day by day. By Saturday I was beat and still had the weekend to get through. I made it through. And I would like to apologize to Doug for being so cranky…I will admit that when I get that tired – I am not a nice person to be around.
I’m trying really hard to grow the little peach fuzz on the top of my head. I can not wait to not have to wear this wig to work anymore. When I am at home or friends I let the peach fuzz free; out in public I wear a hat; and playing sports or at the gym I wear a bandana. Yesterday I was at Target and was completely stunned by a woman who came up to me and said “I like your hair style. It’s very cool (temperature) for this weather. I am going to get mine done like that.” I was completely stunned – I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t until she walked away that I processed it. I mean really?!?! What should I have said – “thank you” or should I have totally stunned her back and said “yeah you should never let chemo be your hair stylist.” Crazy!!! I was wearing a hat and when I have a hat on it is clear there is no hair there!!! Oh well.
So that’s pretty much it for now – just living life post cancer treatments. And trying really hard not to tick Doug off too much when I am tired and cranky. Just have to find that balance until my stamina returns.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
So close...yet so far away...
So close – yet so far away…that is what I feel like right now!!! Sunday during my tennis practice I started losing my voice; which is very hard when you’re the coach!! Sunday night I felt worse, my throat was very sore and I was so fatigued. Monday I woke up running a fever. I stayed home from work and had my mom drive me to radiation. Now anyone who knows me knows I have to be feeling pretty damn bad to ask for help. I told the radiation techs how I was feeling and they had me see the doctor after treatment. Dr. Milito told me that I needed to be off and resting for the next couple of days.
Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.
So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.
Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!
Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.
So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.
Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This day five years ago
*Written yesterday - April 17th - but fell asleep before posting...
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Good news!!
Hi there!! Just thought I would pop in and give a little update…and let me tell you, good things come in little packages…
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Momma said there will days like these...
So let me start this post by saying I am not writing this for pity or sorrow…I just am feeling a little down. With this cancer crap – you will have days like this…I guess these are mine. This blog is my outlet for dealing with the cancer and documenting what I am going through – believe me, I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Glow bug treatments have begun...
So I found out last weekend that more people than I ever thought are actually reading this thing! Hello ladies!! With that being said, I really should update more often. But you know what they say…no news is good news.
I started radiation this week. Oh boy – this is a tough one!!! I am pretty claustrophobic and have a hard time being restrained…both of which are being put to the test with this part of the “cancer ass kicking” treatments. I could explain what exactly they do, but instead I will show you. Below is what I will be doing everyday for the next 7 weeks at 3:30. I gotta tell you – I think I would rather be sitting at my desk at work!!! I am working very hard to go to my “happy place” when they strap me down by my head. Today I did pretty well; but my goal is to not freak out inside when they first strap me down. It is easier to just be in my happy place first rather than having to talk myself out of hell first. I found out today that I will not have 25 treatments as originally thought...no, no I will have 33 treatments!!! Crazy!!! Doug is going to be able to use me as a night light!!!
I am feeling pretty good right now. I have some fatigue – but I have already succumbed to the fact that that will be around throughout the treatment. I coach Special Olympics Tennis and that started back up for the season on Sunday. It is great to see my athletes and to be back out on the court again. I also joined the co-ed softball team that D played on last year. I know this might seem a little over zealous – but I have never been one to sit around. Even if I can’t play all the time – just being able to play once in a while will be awesome. If I don’t try, I will never know…
I started radiation this week. Oh boy – this is a tough one!!! I am pretty claustrophobic and have a hard time being restrained…both of which are being put to the test with this part of the “cancer ass kicking” treatments. I could explain what exactly they do, but instead I will show you. Below is what I will be doing everyday for the next 7 weeks at 3:30. I gotta tell you – I think I would rather be sitting at my desk at work!!! I am working very hard to go to my “happy place” when they strap me down by my head. Today I did pretty well; but my goal is to not freak out inside when they first strap me down. It is easier to just be in my happy place first rather than having to talk myself out of hell first. I found out today that I will not have 25 treatments as originally thought...no, no I will have 33 treatments!!! Crazy!!! Doug is going to be able to use me as a night light!!!
The mask is so tight that when they take it off, my face has the waffle print on it!!!
I am feeling pretty good right now. I have some fatigue – but I have already succumbed to the fact that that will be around throughout the treatment. I coach Special Olympics Tennis and that started back up for the season on Sunday. It is great to see my athletes and to be back out on the court again. I also joined the co-ed softball team that D played on last year. I know this might seem a little over zealous – but I have never been one to sit around. Even if I can’t play all the time – just being able to play once in a while will be awesome. If I don’t try, I will never know…
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Radiation doctor appointment #1...
I went on Friday, March 5th to meet with Dr. Milito at Oakwood Cancer Center. This is where I will receive my radiation treatments. The appointment went well. We discussed how he was going to measure me for the radiation, the mask that I will be fitted for, and the side effects.
Dr. Milito said that since I am not even thirty yet he wants to be very precise in is measurements of where the radiation will hit. Apparently in older people who have cancer in the neck area, they will just radiate the entire neck area. The doctor said he doesn’t want to do that with me and would like to be very precise and only radiate what is needed. I say ‘thank you’!!! I will be fitted for a mesh mask that will hold my head in place during treatment. Not only will it hold my head in place, it will ensure that my head is in the same position every time, thus the radiation hitting the same correct spot every time.
Now for the side effects…how lovely!! I have a very tricky spot of cancer…some of it is on the very back of my tongue (in my neck). This will be very tricky to radiate and will come along with wonderful side effects. The doctor said that I will lose my sense of taste, and that it probably won’t come back for at least a year. My mouth is going to get very, very sore and it will become hard for me to chew and swallow. He said my desire to eat will diminish and I will lose weight. Now the weight loss part doesn’t bother me. I have said through this whole thing that if there is a silver lining…at least I could afford to lose more weight. My concern is making sure I am getting the right nutrients. So it sounds like I will be drinking my meals in the form of protein shakes and other supplements. And then there is the fatigue…that is a side effect that carries over from chemo to radiation. Sounds like more nap times!
The doctor then looked at me and said “you need two more weeks off”. D told him that I have been working the whole time. He looked a little shocked at that, but then clarified that I need two more weeks off from the chemo before we start radiation. He said I looked very, very tired and run down. Huh…I had even wore eye makeup that day as to not look like that. I guess I am not fooling anybody.
I go this Thursday, March 11th for the final appointment before radiation starts. I will get a CAT scan for the doctor to base his measurement off of. They will also be fitting me for the lovely mesh mask…think Jason with more holes. And I will get my ID swipe card. Every patient has a swipe badge that they have to bring with them. The machine scans the badge and pulls up all of the information needed for the radiation. This ensures that no one ever gets the wrong radiation treatment.
I am very anxious for this all to start…mainly so it can end. I am so over this cancer crap!!! But sadly my body isn’t – I am still battling with the fatigue. I have also been battling with myself and how others see me. There are some people in my life who I truly believe they think that I am done with everything and all better because the chemo is done. But the fact of the matter is (as my husband so wisely put it) chemo was the first stage of treatment and radiation is the second…I will not be “all better” for a little longer yet. All I keep telling myself is “patience my dear, patience.” But don't get me wrong, I still feel very positive about this whole thing and like Dori in Finding Nemo I "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
**Edited to add...the treatments will be 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for at least 5 weeks. I will know whether it will be more than 5 weeks after the doctor does all of his measurements and calculations.
Dr. Milito said that since I am not even thirty yet he wants to be very precise in is measurements of where the radiation will hit. Apparently in older people who have cancer in the neck area, they will just radiate the entire neck area. The doctor said he doesn’t want to do that with me and would like to be very precise and only radiate what is needed. I say ‘thank you’!!! I will be fitted for a mesh mask that will hold my head in place during treatment. Not only will it hold my head in place, it will ensure that my head is in the same position every time, thus the radiation hitting the same correct spot every time.
Now for the side effects…how lovely!! I have a very tricky spot of cancer…some of it is on the very back of my tongue (in my neck). This will be very tricky to radiate and will come along with wonderful side effects. The doctor said that I will lose my sense of taste, and that it probably won’t come back for at least a year. My mouth is going to get very, very sore and it will become hard for me to chew and swallow. He said my desire to eat will diminish and I will lose weight. Now the weight loss part doesn’t bother me. I have said through this whole thing that if there is a silver lining…at least I could afford to lose more weight. My concern is making sure I am getting the right nutrients. So it sounds like I will be drinking my meals in the form of protein shakes and other supplements. And then there is the fatigue…that is a side effect that carries over from chemo to radiation. Sounds like more nap times!
The doctor then looked at me and said “you need two more weeks off”. D told him that I have been working the whole time. He looked a little shocked at that, but then clarified that I need two more weeks off from the chemo before we start radiation. He said I looked very, very tired and run down. Huh…I had even wore eye makeup that day as to not look like that. I guess I am not fooling anybody.
I go this Thursday, March 11th for the final appointment before radiation starts. I will get a CAT scan for the doctor to base his measurement off of. They will also be fitting me for the lovely mesh mask…think Jason with more holes. And I will get my ID swipe card. Every patient has a swipe badge that they have to bring with them. The machine scans the badge and pulls up all of the information needed for the radiation. This ensures that no one ever gets the wrong radiation treatment.
I am very anxious for this all to start…mainly so it can end. I am so over this cancer crap!!! But sadly my body isn’t – I am still battling with the fatigue. I have also been battling with myself and how others see me. There are some people in my life who I truly believe they think that I am done with everything and all better because the chemo is done. But the fact of the matter is (as my husband so wisely put it) chemo was the first stage of treatment and radiation is the second…I will not be “all better” for a little longer yet. All I keep telling myself is “patience my dear, patience.” But don't get me wrong, I still feel very positive about this whole thing and like Dori in Finding Nemo I "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
**Edited to add...the treatments will be 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for at least 5 weeks. I will know whether it will be more than 5 weeks after the doctor does all of his measurements and calculations.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Last chemo done...
Hello…I’m still here. Sorry I know I am terrible at posting, but to be honest life is pretty boring and there is not much happening. I finished up chemo last Friday, February 26th. I can’t tell you how happy I am about this. Especially since this last treatment has really beaten me down. The nausea has been a little much. I have Zofran to take for the nausea but I haven’t taken it since my first treatment…it causes the worst headaches and I would rather be nauseous.
Like I said life is kind of boring right now. Sometimes boring can be good, but I am so ready to be back into life. I have been able to get to the gym here and there (pretty much the week before the next chemo treatment) and it has been a teaser for me. I love going to the gym. The weather is starting to show glimmers of spring which brings a smile to my face. Spring brings new life…things will soon be blooming, my Special Olympics Tennis will be starting, and radiation will begin. I can not wait to see my athletes again and start training. I just pray I have the energy to keep up; but I have an awesome assistant coach and support system, so I am sure all will be bueno!!!
Tomorrow is my appointment with the radiation doctor at Oakwood Cancer Center. I feel good about Oakwood because Dr. Milito specializes in mouth and throat cancers and takes special precautions in regards to the side effects. I am very anxious to get all of the information and get the next phase started!!!
So that’s what has been up…not much of anything. Still fighting, still trying to stay strong!!
Like I said life is kind of boring right now. Sometimes boring can be good, but I am so ready to be back into life. I have been able to get to the gym here and there (pretty much the week before the next chemo treatment) and it has been a teaser for me. I love going to the gym. The weather is starting to show glimmers of spring which brings a smile to my face. Spring brings new life…things will soon be blooming, my Special Olympics Tennis will be starting, and radiation will begin. I can not wait to see my athletes again and start training. I just pray I have the energy to keep up; but I have an awesome assistant coach and support system, so I am sure all will be bueno!!!
Tomorrow is my appointment with the radiation doctor at Oakwood Cancer Center. I feel good about Oakwood because Dr. Milito specializes in mouth and throat cancers and takes special precautions in regards to the side effects. I am very anxious to get all of the information and get the next phase started!!!
So that’s what has been up…not much of anything. Still fighting, still trying to stay strong!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Still here & still kicking!!!
I know it has been a while since I have posted…I’m sorry. I am fine really. I had my second round of chemo on February 5th. Things have been going ok since then. I still get sick when I try to eat certain foods. My diet has mainly consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches, eggs, and pancakes (don’t ask me, but the Bisquick Low Fat Pancake mix seems to work for me). I can’t do milk, which kills me, because I love milk!! I have been very shy to try any pasta for fear of the sauce. And I am pretty sure my blood stream has now been replaced with diet ginger ale. But all and all I am ok with the food situation because I know that this too shall pass. And besides when all of this chemo and radiation crap is over with – I am getting the biggest order of sushi!!!!
As I type this I can feel the neuropathy starting in my finger tips. I knew it was a side effect, but I hadn’t been affected until now. The little stubbles that were on my head from shaving it are few and far between. And my eyebrows are starting to fall out/off. It still amazes me how your body changes from the chemo. I look at my face and can’t believe how “tired” I look. I read on the ACS’s website that chemo patients should replace their makeup with new once they start chemo – something with getting rid of the old germs. So I went to Ulta this past Sunday and asked the girl at the Bare Escentuals counter to help me pick out some new eye makeup that would make me look less dead. She did an awesome job, and I purchased a new eye shadow and mascara. I figured I would try to get people to notice my eyes before they notice the scarf on my head. The scale says I have only lost 5 pounds, but most of my clothes are swimming on me, especially my pants. I am hoping that the small weight loss means I have lost fat and not muscle. I worked very, very hard to get that muscle built up!!!
Every day I am more amazed at how overwhelming generous people have been. I have always known that the friends and family that I have in my life are awesome – otherwise they wouldn’t be here. But I am so grateful for how wonderful they have all been. I was going to list everything here, but it would take me a couple hours to do that, and I am sure you guys don’t want to read a post that long. But my friends & family have brought me some of the nicest things, from meals, flowers, scarves, blankets, and beautiful crocheted items, the outpouring from people has made me cry several times. And the cards!!! Oh my, the cards!! I get cards from people a couple times a week. Again – I can not convey just how grateful I am to have everyone in my life. With that said…if you are reading this and thinking “crap – I haven’t sent or made her anything – I guess I should”, please know that as I am grateful for what I have received, but I in no way expect anything. Heck just knowing that the people who are reading this blog are interested enough in me to see how I am doing means the world to me.
I am trying very, very hard to remain as “normal” as possible throughout this whole thing. I look at my health a lot differently than other people do. I actually hate my health – or lack there of. It pisses me off to no end that every time I get “better” from one thing, I get knocked on my ass with another. That is why I try to remain life as normal every time I get sick. It is more of a “screw you” to the universe. Mentally I am so strong and ready to take on anything, but it seems like my body fights me. Right now I want nothing more than to get off work and go to the gym. But instead, I get off work early now because I can’t make it through a whole day, I go home and I take a nap until D gets home. Last week was not very nice; I had a really bad chest cold that knocked me down. I believe I was asleep more than I was awake. This week I want so bad to go to the gym. I am so tired of being told that I really need to rest. I just want to scream “Just because I have cancer, doesn’t mean I’m dead!!!!!” I have never been the type to just stop life for anything. I feel like some people feel that because I have cancer that I should just sit around. Well just kill me now, because that is not the life I want to live. I know I have always been stubborn and will test my limits to the max, but if I don’t try – how will I know!!!!
So that’s been what is happening…not much. The next round of chemo is on February 26th. That will hopefully be the last one and then I move on to radiation, but I have to meet with the radiation doctor first.
As I type this I can feel the neuropathy starting in my finger tips. I knew it was a side effect, but I hadn’t been affected until now. The little stubbles that were on my head from shaving it are few and far between. And my eyebrows are starting to fall out/off. It still amazes me how your body changes from the chemo. I look at my face and can’t believe how “tired” I look. I read on the ACS’s website that chemo patients should replace their makeup with new once they start chemo – something with getting rid of the old germs. So I went to Ulta this past Sunday and asked the girl at the Bare Escentuals counter to help me pick out some new eye makeup that would make me look less dead. She did an awesome job, and I purchased a new eye shadow and mascara. I figured I would try to get people to notice my eyes before they notice the scarf on my head. The scale says I have only lost 5 pounds, but most of my clothes are swimming on me, especially my pants. I am hoping that the small weight loss means I have lost fat and not muscle. I worked very, very hard to get that muscle built up!!!
Every day I am more amazed at how overwhelming generous people have been. I have always known that the friends and family that I have in my life are awesome – otherwise they wouldn’t be here. But I am so grateful for how wonderful they have all been. I was going to list everything here, but it would take me a couple hours to do that, and I am sure you guys don’t want to read a post that long. But my friends & family have brought me some of the nicest things, from meals, flowers, scarves, blankets, and beautiful crocheted items, the outpouring from people has made me cry several times. And the cards!!! Oh my, the cards!! I get cards from people a couple times a week. Again – I can not convey just how grateful I am to have everyone in my life. With that said…if you are reading this and thinking “crap – I haven’t sent or made her anything – I guess I should”, please know that as I am grateful for what I have received, but I in no way expect anything. Heck just knowing that the people who are reading this blog are interested enough in me to see how I am doing means the world to me.
I am trying very, very hard to remain as “normal” as possible throughout this whole thing. I look at my health a lot differently than other people do. I actually hate my health – or lack there of. It pisses me off to no end that every time I get “better” from one thing, I get knocked on my ass with another. That is why I try to remain life as normal every time I get sick. It is more of a “screw you” to the universe. Mentally I am so strong and ready to take on anything, but it seems like my body fights me. Right now I want nothing more than to get off work and go to the gym. But instead, I get off work early now because I can’t make it through a whole day, I go home and I take a nap until D gets home. Last week was not very nice; I had a really bad chest cold that knocked me down. I believe I was asleep more than I was awake. This week I want so bad to go to the gym. I am so tired of being told that I really need to rest. I just want to scream “Just because I have cancer, doesn’t mean I’m dead!!!!!” I have never been the type to just stop life for anything. I feel like some people feel that because I have cancer that I should just sit around. Well just kill me now, because that is not the life I want to live. I know I have always been stubborn and will test my limits to the max, but if I don’t try – how will I know!!!!
So that’s been what is happening…not much. The next round of chemo is on February 26th. That will hopefully be the last one and then I move on to radiation, but I have to meet with the radiation doctor first.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
No more hair...
Last night I had D shave my head. As I stated before, I woke up on Thursday, January 28th and found my hair starting to fall out. Well it didn’t take long – by Sunday I had bald spots and was wearing a hat or scarf. It was so thin and looked terrible.
I stood in the bathroom feeling completely open and vulnerable as I felt the clippers taking away the one thing I had always liked about myself. I cried the whole time D cut. I kept my eyes closed as I was afraid to look in the mirror. When it was all said and done I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror…and screamed!!! The person looking back at me, was not me, it was some sickly looking girl with mascara smeared from the tears. D grabbed me and hugged me; I could see and hear his tears. He felt so sorry for me. And although I am not usually the type, I felt sorry for myself.
It is very hard to look in the mirror right now, as I am sure it will be for some time. I feel much, much more comfortable with a head covering on, whether it is a scarf or a hat. Plus my head is so cold and my scalp is so tender to touch. The stubble that is left on my head is falling out, but it is easier to see that than clumps of long hair.
We had gone shopping on Sunday for some new clothes for D and me some scarves. I am amazed how hard it is to find silk scarves. I came home from the Gettysburg Outlets, Capital City Mall, and Target with just two scarves!!! I have looked online for some. But I think tonight I am going to stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics and see if I can just buy some fabric in the same square size as the scarves I bought and put a hem around. I think this will be a cheaper alternative. Plus I can pick fabric I like and that will match my wardrobe.
On Saturday, my friend Jess and I took a trip to Fleetwood (outside of Reading) to meet a very, very nice lady who sells wigs. What a surreal experience that was. I never thought I would be sitting in a chair at my age getting wigs tried on me. After some doozies, I believe I found a good match. The color is almost the exact same as my natural color and the style looks to be my style. “The Wig Lady” (that’s the name of her business), Faye, had the color wig I wanted but not the style. I picked the style out of a book. I wear or wore my hair straight and parted to the left. Some wigs do not part, and are fluffy on top. I can tell you with certainty that I am not a fluffy hair kind of girl. Faye tried one wig on me that made me look like C.C. DaVille, no joke!! So anyway – the type of wig I got is a monofilament wig – which means it looks like a real scalp, it can be parted, and is a flat style. I like flat!! I am hoping to be able to pick it up next week.
Other than the hair loss – I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t go to the gym last night because…well, I just didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am hoping to get there tonight, even if it is only to do a little bit – at least it will be something!!!
I stood in the bathroom feeling completely open and vulnerable as I felt the clippers taking away the one thing I had always liked about myself. I cried the whole time D cut. I kept my eyes closed as I was afraid to look in the mirror. When it was all said and done I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror…and screamed!!! The person looking back at me, was not me, it was some sickly looking girl with mascara smeared from the tears. D grabbed me and hugged me; I could see and hear his tears. He felt so sorry for me. And although I am not usually the type, I felt sorry for myself.
It is very hard to look in the mirror right now, as I am sure it will be for some time. I feel much, much more comfortable with a head covering on, whether it is a scarf or a hat. Plus my head is so cold and my scalp is so tender to touch. The stubble that is left on my head is falling out, but it is easier to see that than clumps of long hair.
We had gone shopping on Sunday for some new clothes for D and me some scarves. I am amazed how hard it is to find silk scarves. I came home from the Gettysburg Outlets, Capital City Mall, and Target with just two scarves!!! I have looked online for some. But I think tonight I am going to stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics and see if I can just buy some fabric in the same square size as the scarves I bought and put a hem around. I think this will be a cheaper alternative. Plus I can pick fabric I like and that will match my wardrobe.
On Saturday, my friend Jess and I took a trip to Fleetwood (outside of Reading) to meet a very, very nice lady who sells wigs. What a surreal experience that was. I never thought I would be sitting in a chair at my age getting wigs tried on me. After some doozies, I believe I found a good match. The color is almost the exact same as my natural color and the style looks to be my style. “The Wig Lady” (that’s the name of her business), Faye, had the color wig I wanted but not the style. I picked the style out of a book. I wear or wore my hair straight and parted to the left. Some wigs do not part, and are fluffy on top. I can tell you with certainty that I am not a fluffy hair kind of girl. Faye tried one wig on me that made me look like C.C. DaVille, no joke!! So anyway – the type of wig I got is a monofilament wig – which means it looks like a real scalp, it can be parted, and is a flat style. I like flat!! I am hoping to be able to pick it up next week.
Other than the hair loss – I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t go to the gym last night because…well, I just didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am hoping to get there tonight, even if it is only to do a little bit – at least it will be something!!!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Quick Update
Hello peeps!!! Sorry for the lack of posts, I promise I will try to get better at this updating thing. The funny thing is, it feels kind of weird to update people or talk about me, all I have ever thought is “like people really care”. But I know that people really DO care – just weird to write about myself you know.
All and all I can’t really complain. Each day is different. There are days where I am very nauseous and days where I feel pretty good. Eating has been a challenge. I feel like every day is an experiment. There are some days where all I can eat are bagels and then other days I seem to do ok with more normal foods. I don’t really like going out to eat anymore though – I just feel like it is a waste of money.
Last Thursday, the 21st was the worst day I have had. I woke up nauseous, dizzy, and felt like a Mac Truck had ran me down. I tried to suck it up and drove into work. But by the time I got to my office I felt worse. I called my chemo nurse and explained everything. She said she wanted me to be seen. Because I was getting hot and then cold, she said that my white blood cell count could be low. Sure enough – it was quite low. So I earned myself four hours at the clinic getting IV meds. Fortunately this Monday, the 25th, when I went in for lab work, my counts were coming back up nicely. I was very happy with that; other wise I would have ended up in the hospital. No thank you!!!
Fatigue is something that I was not expecting. I had plans to carry on life as normal on days when I didn’t have chemo. My body has said other wise. As silly as it sounds, I would much rather deal with the nausea than to feel so tired. I talked to my cousin, Kim, who is a breast cancer survivor to see how she dealt with it. She told me that the fatigue is normal and it will play a big factor in my life for a while. What a hard pill to swallow. Before all of this I was the person who went to the gym at least 5 days a week. Now – I am having trouble even making it there. I went on Tuesday. I made it a mere 18 minutes on the elliptical before I found myself puking my guts out in the bathroom. I will keep on attempting this until I can do it!!!
I have also talked to my boss about having a modified work schedule. I have proposed working 8-3 everyday with a half hour lunch. He said he is willing to let me have a modified schedule but he needed to think about what it would be. I have not heard anything back yet. It was very hard for me to ask for that. I have not had the best luck with my health in my life. And although my work gets done, my time at work has suffered…and now here I am saying “well, something else is now wrong with me…” I hate to show that weakness!!!
Today is a sad day for me. I woke up this morning to find that my hair is starting to fall out. Now, I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it; but I don’t think anything prepares you for holding handfuls of your hair in your hands. I suspect that over the next few days it will get very thin and I will make that call to my hair stylist to have my head shaved. I keep on joking that it is a good thing I look cute in hats!
Thanks to my awesome friend, Jess, I will be heading to Reading on Saturday to look at getting a wig. I still am not sure if I want a wig, but it doesn’t hurt to meet with someone and look.
So that is what is up. I am still here and I am still fighting!!!! I may have off days – but this fucking cancer will not win!!!!!
All and all I can’t really complain. Each day is different. There are days where I am very nauseous and days where I feel pretty good. Eating has been a challenge. I feel like every day is an experiment. There are some days where all I can eat are bagels and then other days I seem to do ok with more normal foods. I don’t really like going out to eat anymore though – I just feel like it is a waste of money.
Last Thursday, the 21st was the worst day I have had. I woke up nauseous, dizzy, and felt like a Mac Truck had ran me down. I tried to suck it up and drove into work. But by the time I got to my office I felt worse. I called my chemo nurse and explained everything. She said she wanted me to be seen. Because I was getting hot and then cold, she said that my white blood cell count could be low. Sure enough – it was quite low. So I earned myself four hours at the clinic getting IV meds. Fortunately this Monday, the 25th, when I went in for lab work, my counts were coming back up nicely. I was very happy with that; other wise I would have ended up in the hospital. No thank you!!!
Fatigue is something that I was not expecting. I had plans to carry on life as normal on days when I didn’t have chemo. My body has said other wise. As silly as it sounds, I would much rather deal with the nausea than to feel so tired. I talked to my cousin, Kim, who is a breast cancer survivor to see how she dealt with it. She told me that the fatigue is normal and it will play a big factor in my life for a while. What a hard pill to swallow. Before all of this I was the person who went to the gym at least 5 days a week. Now – I am having trouble even making it there. I went on Tuesday. I made it a mere 18 minutes on the elliptical before I found myself puking my guts out in the bathroom. I will keep on attempting this until I can do it!!!
I have also talked to my boss about having a modified work schedule. I have proposed working 8-3 everyday with a half hour lunch. He said he is willing to let me have a modified schedule but he needed to think about what it would be. I have not heard anything back yet. It was very hard for me to ask for that. I have not had the best luck with my health in my life. And although my work gets done, my time at work has suffered…and now here I am saying “well, something else is now wrong with me…” I hate to show that weakness!!!
Today is a sad day for me. I woke up this morning to find that my hair is starting to fall out. Now, I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it; but I don’t think anything prepares you for holding handfuls of your hair in your hands. I suspect that over the next few days it will get very thin and I will make that call to my hair stylist to have my head shaved. I keep on joking that it is a good thing I look cute in hats!
Thanks to my awesome friend, Jess, I will be heading to Reading on Saturday to look at getting a wig. I still am not sure if I want a wig, but it doesn’t hurt to meet with someone and look.
So that is what is up. I am still here and I am still fighting!!!! I may have off days – but this fucking cancer will not win!!!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Chemo 5 Days out...
So today it has been 5 days since I received my first R-CHOP chemo treatment. I feel pretty good. The weekend was a little shaky. Saturday I felt pretty good up until the evening. By the evening it felt like I was "getting something"...you know how you feel before a cold sets in. I really didn't eat all weekend. I found pieces of bagels seemed to be ok. My appetite is coming back slowly, but I still can only eat small amounts.
My biggest "complaint" is the tiredness. I don't know how to explain it, other than I just feel drained. I went to the doctor on Monday, because my mouth was so sore. Turns out it is a side effect from the chemo. Good Lord, this chemo crap has a lot of side effects!!! Anyway...when I was at the doctor's I expressed just how tired I was feeling. I wasn't expecting it to hit me so fast, but she assured me that this is all very normal. I wish I was able to take naps mid way through my work day...I feel like that would really help, but alas...
Yesterday I had a small breakdown. I really wanted to go to the gym, but was so tired I fell asleep before I could get my gym clothes on. Work was pretty bad. My job can sometimes be pretty stressful, especially with year end / year begin. Take that normal stress and add my new life stress and it just compounded. I am so lucky to have Douglas...I came home, I vented, I cried and was my rock! He is so wonderful that it makes me sad sometimes to think that he got the fuzzy end of the stick in the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
Today was a much better day - I really worked hard to remain focused at work and got a lot accomplished. And I was able to go to the gym this evening. I only did a half hour on the elliptical and some abs...but it was something, and that is all I really wanted. I started to get nauseous while I was doing my ab workout and I...are you ready for this, you're not going to believe it...I STOPPED!!! I know, I know, try and contain yourselves!! Now you all know that I am the person who fights through pretty much anything, but this time it's different. This time it's my life I don't want to jeopardize anything in the fight to get it back to where it was. It's a whole new leaf for me...I will listen to my body!!!
A friend asked me today how I was doing "it"...how I was keeping it all together. I told her that I have my moments of weakness and that my outlook on life has changed....I take things one day at a time!!!
My biggest "complaint" is the tiredness. I don't know how to explain it, other than I just feel drained. I went to the doctor on Monday, because my mouth was so sore. Turns out it is a side effect from the chemo. Good Lord, this chemo crap has a lot of side effects!!! Anyway...when I was at the doctor's I expressed just how tired I was feeling. I wasn't expecting it to hit me so fast, but she assured me that this is all very normal. I wish I was able to take naps mid way through my work day...I feel like that would really help, but alas...
Yesterday I had a small breakdown. I really wanted to go to the gym, but was so tired I fell asleep before I could get my gym clothes on. Work was pretty bad. My job can sometimes be pretty stressful, especially with year end / year begin. Take that normal stress and add my new life stress and it just compounded. I am so lucky to have Douglas...I came home, I vented, I cried and was my rock! He is so wonderful that it makes me sad sometimes to think that he got the fuzzy end of the stick in the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
Today was a much better day - I really worked hard to remain focused at work and got a lot accomplished. And I was able to go to the gym this evening. I only did a half hour on the elliptical and some abs...but it was something, and that is all I really wanted. I started to get nauseous while I was doing my ab workout and I...are you ready for this, you're not going to believe it...I STOPPED!!! I know, I know, try and contain yourselves!! Now you all know that I am the person who fights through pretty much anything, but this time it's different. This time it's my life I don't want to jeopardize anything in the fight to get it back to where it was. It's a whole new leaf for me...I will listen to my body!!!
A friend asked me today how I was doing "it"...how I was keeping it all together. I told her that I have my moments of weakness and that my outlook on life has changed....I take things one day at a time!!!
Friday, January 15, 2010
First R-CHOP treatment done!!!
Today I had the second half of my first chemo treatment. This was the Rituxan (the R part of R-CHOP). This is the medication that has a lot of precautionary measures taken before it is administered. I arrived at the clinic at 7:40 this morning. My chemo nurse, Renee (I know, what are the odds) gave me Tylenol & Benadryl first thing. These two medicines are to help with any possible side effects such as fever and/or itching and rash. After twenty minutes she started the Rituxan. This medicine is given very slowly for the first time; one drip every five seconds, then two drips every fives seconds, continuing until it reaches eight drips every five seconds. I did well up until the three drips per five seconds. I had fallen asleep and when I woke up my ears were itching inside and out and my neck was closing up. My nurse just happened to be coming back to up the dose when I discovered all of this. Before I could get out that my throat was closing, she raised her voice and said "oh my, you're having a reaction" and pulled the connection, rushed out of the room and grabbed a bag of steroids and a syringe of Benadryl. I could hear her yelling for someone to get a doctor. Can you say scary!!!! She ran the medications through and we started the Rituxan over again, from the beginning. When it got back up to three drops per five seconds, my throat started to get a little scratchy again and the redness on my neck was back. But I asked that we just forge through and monitor everything. As it was, the symptoms went away eventually. And I finished my chemo at 3pm!!!! What a long day!!!
I had a private room today. It had two Lazy Boys and a television. It was very sunny & bright, which was so nice. Doug started out the day with me. When I had the reaction we knew I wouldn't be getting out of there anytime soon and Doug needed to get to work (he just started his new job on Monday). So mom came in to be with me around 11:30. I took some pictures of her today, but I am pretty sure she would beat me if I put them up.
So that's done - the first treatment is out of the way. Now I wait for the hair to start falling out...but bald is beautiful right???
Now I am sitting and resting. I ache all over and am very cold. The taste of food has already started to change...gotta love the chemo diet. Hopefully I will wake up and feel pretty good. I really would like to go to the gym this weekend!!!!
I had a private room today. It had two Lazy Boys and a television. It was very sunny & bright, which was so nice. Doug started out the day with me. When I had the reaction we knew I wouldn't be getting out of there anytime soon and Doug needed to get to work (he just started his new job on Monday). So mom came in to be with me around 11:30. I took some pictures of her today, but I am pretty sure she would beat me if I put them up.
Doug made the most of his time there and worked on a website
With all of the Benadryl today - I was pretty sleepy and slept through most of the treatment.
Now I am sitting and resting. I ache all over and am very cold. The taste of food has already started to change...gotta love the chemo diet. Hopefully I will wake up and feel pretty good. I really would like to go to the gym this weekend!!!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
1st day done...
Today was my first day of chemo. As I stated before my first round of chemo is being divided between two days as it takes so long for the first time. Today I received the CHOP part of the R-CHOP. It went well. In fact it didn't seem like I was getting chemo...Doug & I laughed and joked around. I read, did some word puzzles, and joked around some more. When it was done we went to get Doug's hair cut. All I kept thinking was 'wow, chemo gets a bad rap - I feel fine'. HA!!! About 5:30 I started feeling a little queasy and got really tired. I tried to lie down, but couldn't sleep, and I hate lying idle if I can't sleep, so I got back up.
Thursday night are my friend and my night to have dinner, hang out, and catch up for the week. I didn't want to miss that. I knew he would come over to the house and hang if I really didn't want to go anywhere. But the truth is, I need to still live, and I wanted to go out to dinner. The queasiness was still minimal at this point. And I really enjoyed the dinner and conversation, not only because we always do it but also it was just nice to not think too much about everything.
Tonight around 9:30 the queasiness became a little less minimal and a little more annoying. I feel pretty sick to my stomach right now. I can not even imagine what I would feel like if they had not given me three different anti-nausea medicines!
I'm calling it a night...second half of chemo starts tomorrow morning at 7:40am!!
Thursday night are my friend and my night to have dinner, hang out, and catch up for the week. I didn't want to miss that. I knew he would come over to the house and hang if I really didn't want to go anywhere. But the truth is, I need to still live, and I wanted to go out to dinner. The queasiness was still minimal at this point. And I really enjoyed the dinner and conversation, not only because we always do it but also it was just nice to not think too much about everything.
Tonight around 9:30 the queasiness became a little less minimal and a little more annoying. I feel pretty sick to my stomach right now. I can not even imagine what I would feel like if they had not given me three different anti-nausea medicines!
I'm calling it a night...second half of chemo starts tomorrow morning at 7:40am!!
First day of chemo. And my new "chemo ready hair-do".
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Amazed & blessed...
Tonight feels like the calm before the storm. I had my medi-port placed on Monday and I start chemo tomorrow. I feel very anxious...I am ready to start whatever it takes to get better!!! For the last 29 days I have been counting down for this day. You can only talk about cancer and the plan of attack for so long and I am just ready to get on with it.
It's funny thing, cancer...it changes you. As I said I am only 29 days diagnosed and I already can tell changes in myself. I am normally a pretty high strung person (ask anyone) and I tend to worry about everything and everyone. Now I seem more laid back (at least I think)...things that bothered me before December 15th really haven't bothered me much. In the grand scheme of things some things just aren't important. I even feel stronger mentally. Before when I would get Bronchitis or a Sinus Infection I would let it make me sedentary, now I think a cough or a runny nose are the least of my worries. :-) I don't how to explain it - but I feel different.
I am so blessed!!! I have so many people who are praying and thinking of me. It's funny I have always thought that I wasn't in enough dire need to be on a prayer list and even with cancer I still kind of feel that way. I always look at it this way, 'no matter what is dealt to me...there is always someone else who is dealing with more'. Anyway - I feel so blessed that people think so highly of me to reach out to me and/or pray for me. It all seems different...I usually care for people and now the roles are reversed. Knowing I have the support of so many, makes me feel so calm and at ease when dealing with everything.
T-minus 14 1/2 hours until the first half of my first chemo!!! Let's kick cancer's ass!!!!
It's funny thing, cancer...it changes you. As I said I am only 29 days diagnosed and I already can tell changes in myself. I am normally a pretty high strung person (ask anyone) and I tend to worry about everything and everyone. Now I seem more laid back (at least I think)...things that bothered me before December 15th really haven't bothered me much. In the grand scheme of things some things just aren't important. I even feel stronger mentally. Before when I would get Bronchitis or a Sinus Infection I would let it make me sedentary, now I think a cough or a runny nose are the least of my worries. :-) I don't how to explain it - but I feel different.
I am so blessed!!! I have so many people who are praying and thinking of me. It's funny I have always thought that I wasn't in enough dire need to be on a prayer list and even with cancer I still kind of feel that way. I always look at it this way, 'no matter what is dealt to me...there is always someone else who is dealing with more'. Anyway - I feel so blessed that people think so highly of me to reach out to me and/or pray for me. It all seems different...I usually care for people and now the roles are reversed. Knowing I have the support of so many, makes me feel so calm and at ease when dealing with everything.
T-minus 14 1/2 hours until the first half of my first chemo!!! Let's kick cancer's ass!!!!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
So it's all real...
"So it's all real, isn't it?" That is just how I feel today. Today I met with the Hem-Onc to set up my chemo schedule. Can you say information overload??? As of now the plan is to have 3 rounds of chemo and then radiation. I will be meeting a radiation doctor to make sure I can do the radiation. The type of chemo I will be going through is R-CHOP. Which stands for (R) Rituxan - (C) Cytoxan (H) Adriamycin (O) Vincristine (P) Prednisone. When I heard the "P" I almost called the whole thing off...LOL!!! I hate prednisone more than any other medicine. I have been on it so many times for my asthma. It is a nasty drug!!! Very helpful, but so full of side effects. Unofortunately, my worst side effect is weight gain. I know this seems vain , but I gained a lot of weight from this drug over the years and finally, finally have taken most of it off. But as with losing me hair...if it has to be done to save my life, well then, so be it.
We sat with my chemo nurse for 45 minutes going over what to expect. It is crazy, the amount of information there is!!! I will be having a port placed on Monday so the chemo drugs can be administered. The doctor, nurse and I decided the port would be the best solution because my veins are crap. When I had my hip surgery I blew through three IV's in one day!! And I have had more IV's infiltrate than I can count. When I told the doctor about this she said that I most definitely getting a port. If a chemo IV would infiltrate it would burn and scar my skin because of how powerful the medications are. So Monday at 8:45 I go into the hospital as an outpatient to have the port inserted on my right side near the clavicle.
My chemo nurse gave me a folder with all of the information about my treatment in it. I swear the thing weighs like 10 lbs!!! Ok, ok, I am probably exaggerating here, but seriously - it's thick!!! The list of meds I will be on is crazy.
I start chemo on January 14th at 1:20pm. This will be the first half of the chemo (the CHOP part). Then on Friday, January 15th I will go back in at 7:40am to get the Rituxan. The Rituxan is the one that has all of the crazy side affects and can have reactions with the body when given for the first time. This will be a very slow drip - and they will monitor me very closely to see how my body reacts.
Next week will be a very hectic week!!! And I will be happy when it is over. I go this weekend to get my hair cut. I am getting it shorter than what it is now, but I am not getting cut short. I know this sounds stupid, but I have never had a really high self esteem, but the one thing I have always liked is my hair...so it is hard to know it will be gone by February. Again...if that is what it takes to save my life...well then, so be it!
Today as I write this I feel overwhelmed, tired and sad. I am still strong, but even the strongest people have weak days, right??? I am off to bed and hope tomorrow is a good mood day, because I can't stand to be sad!!!!
We sat with my chemo nurse for 45 minutes going over what to expect. It is crazy, the amount of information there is!!! I will be having a port placed on Monday so the chemo drugs can be administered. The doctor, nurse and I decided the port would be the best solution because my veins are crap. When I had my hip surgery I blew through three IV's in one day!! And I have had more IV's infiltrate than I can count. When I told the doctor about this she said that I most definitely getting a port. If a chemo IV would infiltrate it would burn and scar my skin because of how powerful the medications are. So Monday at 8:45 I go into the hospital as an outpatient to have the port inserted on my right side near the clavicle.
My chemo nurse gave me a folder with all of the information about my treatment in it. I swear the thing weighs like 10 lbs!!! Ok, ok, I am probably exaggerating here, but seriously - it's thick!!! The list of meds I will be on is crazy.
I start chemo on January 14th at 1:20pm. This will be the first half of the chemo (the CHOP part). Then on Friday, January 15th I will go back in at 7:40am to get the Rituxan. The Rituxan is the one that has all of the crazy side affects and can have reactions with the body when given for the first time. This will be a very slow drip - and they will monitor me very closely to see how my body reacts.
Next week will be a very hectic week!!! And I will be happy when it is over. I go this weekend to get my hair cut. I am getting it shorter than what it is now, but I am not getting cut short. I know this sounds stupid, but I have never had a really high self esteem, but the one thing I have always liked is my hair...so it is hard to know it will be gone by February. Again...if that is what it takes to save my life...well then, so be it!
Today as I write this I feel overwhelmed, tired and sad. I am still strong, but even the strongest people have weak days, right??? I am off to bed and hope tomorrow is a good mood day, because I can't stand to be sad!!!!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
A quick update...
I heard from the doctor’s last night around 5:15pm regarding the results of my PET scan…
My NHL is Stage 1E or Stage II. I will try to explain the best I can. The NHL has not spread throughout by body (which is awesome); however, it has spread in my neck area. They found active cancer cells in the back of my throat area and tongue. Technically, on paper, I have Stage II NHL. But the true definition of Stage II is that the cancer is in two or more lymph nodes. The Stage 1E comes into play because the cancer is in two or more locations, but those locations are known as Extra-nodes (think external nodes).
As far as the treatment plan…we are going to discuss all of that in detail on Thursday. Because of the location of the additional cancer cells, they are not sure if I will be able to get radiation. Reason one is the area may be too big and reason two being the location and possible long term health effects such as dry mouth (there were a couple others, but I forget – a lot of info to take in). No radiation would just mean a longer chemo therapy. This question of whether or not to do the radiation will not affect the start of chemo, as radiation comes after the chemo is done. So I may start chemo on Friday, and if not Friday, I will definitely start next week.
Thursday will prove to be a day filled with information overload. I am glad I will have Doug there as a second set of ears!!! The woman I spoke to last night said that she was surprised that I said about starting chemo on Friday, she thought I would like more time to process everything. Truthfully, I don't know how much more I can talk about and process this - I just want to get started!!! I am a doer not a talker!!!
Btw...I want to thank my Aunt & Uncle for one of the most awesome Christmas gifts. I received a pretty, wrapped package that said To: Renee From: Your Gaurdian Angels. And inside was an awesome "Live Strong" t-shirt and a "Live Strong" fleece jacket!! It meant so much to me!!! I cried tears of joy, as those words mean so much to me and the people it came from mean so much!!!! I will wear them with pride...and maybe shine my bald head up on those days...LOL!!!!
*On a side note...thank you all so very much for all of the nice comments you have been leaving. Please know that I am not ignoring you. I just haven't figured out how to respond to the comments yet from Blogger.
My NHL is Stage 1E or Stage II. I will try to explain the best I can. The NHL has not spread throughout by body (which is awesome); however, it has spread in my neck area. They found active cancer cells in the back of my throat area and tongue. Technically, on paper, I have Stage II NHL. But the true definition of Stage II is that the cancer is in two or more lymph nodes. The Stage 1E comes into play because the cancer is in two or more locations, but those locations are known as Extra-nodes (think external nodes).
As far as the treatment plan…we are going to discuss all of that in detail on Thursday. Because of the location of the additional cancer cells, they are not sure if I will be able to get radiation. Reason one is the area may be too big and reason two being the location and possible long term health effects such as dry mouth (there were a couple others, but I forget – a lot of info to take in). No radiation would just mean a longer chemo therapy. This question of whether or not to do the radiation will not affect the start of chemo, as radiation comes after the chemo is done. So I may start chemo on Friday, and if not Friday, I will definitely start next week.
Thursday will prove to be a day filled with information overload. I am glad I will have Doug there as a second set of ears!!! The woman I spoke to last night said that she was surprised that I said about starting chemo on Friday, she thought I would like more time to process everything. Truthfully, I don't know how much more I can talk about and process this - I just want to get started!!! I am a doer not a talker!!!
Btw...I want to thank my Aunt & Uncle for one of the most awesome Christmas gifts. I received a pretty, wrapped package that said To: Renee From: Your Gaurdian Angels. And inside was an awesome "Live Strong" t-shirt and a "Live Strong" fleece jacket!! It meant so much to me!!! I cried tears of joy, as those words mean so much to me and the people it came from mean so much!!!! I will wear them with pride...and maybe shine my bald head up on those days...LOL!!!!
*On a side note...thank you all so very much for all of the nice comments you have been leaving. Please know that I am not ignoring you. I just haven't figured out how to respond to the comments yet from Blogger.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Update from Deccember 24th doctor appointment...
So I realized that in order to keep everyone in the loop and use this blog for what I intend it for...I need to actually write the updates!!! Sorry about that!!
On December 24th I met with my Hem-Onc doctor. I feel pretty comfortable with Dr Gareis as my doctor...I have read that first and foremost you need to feel comfortable with the doctor who is going to be helping to save your life!! And the group she is with, Andrews & Patel, is one of the largest group of cancer doctor's in this area.
My appointment was an hour and a half, and full of information. Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is broken down into 3 sub categories...
Low Grade - non-curable* and chronic
Intermediate Grade - curable*, aggressive (but not as aggressive as High Grade)
High Grade - curable*, very, very aggressive, and a higher mortality rate
*The definition of curable here is that it can go into remission for a short period of time or indefinitely.
I have Intermediate Grade NHL. I am not sure what stage I'm in just yet. In fact as I write this I am waiting for the call from the doctor. I had my PET scan on December 31st. I couldn't wait any longer (I really just want to know), and called the doctors office to see if they received the results. They have, and they are giving Dr. Gareis a message to please call me. Ugh - the waiting...
As for treatment - this is what I know right now...
If the NHL is contained in my neck area (thyroid) - treatment will be R-CHOP which stands for Radiation, Chemo, and Pill. I would have at least 3 chemo treatments, followed by radiation treatments, and will be on medication.
If the NHL has spread to other parts of my body, I will not go through radiation (as that is a targeted type of treatment). And I will have at least 6 chemo treatments.
In both cases, chemo will be every three weeks.
Prior to this appointment I joked about how I would be bald and that bald is beautiful. But it wasn't until I heard the doctor say it that it hit me. I asked her if this was the type of chemo I would lose my hair from - she said yes - and I couldn't help it, I cried, hard!!! Oh well - it's just hair, and I have to lose my hair to save my life, well that is what has to be done. She told me that after chemo hair tends to come back in with big curls and lighter than the original color and that I would probably have a shade of blonde. Doug said it will be like having a whole new wife!! This weekend I went to Yarn Garden and purchased some really soft yarn to make some newsboy hats. Hey - if I am going to be bald, by damned I will be stylish!!!! I have a previously scheduled hair appointment on Saturday, January 9th. I am going to have Ali cut my hair to right above my shoulders. I don't want to cut it short, but I also don't want to have it as long as it is and lose it. I am hoping that having it a little shorter will help to make it less traumatic to deal with.
So anyway...that is what I know for right now. Here is a list of upcoming tests and appointments...
Tuesday, January 5th - MUGA testing (this will test my heart to make sure it is strong enough to endure the chemo)
Thursday, January 7th - Appointment with Hem-Onc (we will discuss chemo in more detail and get the schedule set up)
Till then - LIVE STRONG!!!!!!
On December 24th I met with my Hem-Onc doctor. I feel pretty comfortable with Dr Gareis as my doctor...I have read that first and foremost you need to feel comfortable with the doctor who is going to be helping to save your life!! And the group she is with, Andrews & Patel, is one of the largest group of cancer doctor's in this area.
My appointment was an hour and a half, and full of information. Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is broken down into 3 sub categories...
Low Grade - non-curable* and chronic
Intermediate Grade - curable*, aggressive (but not as aggressive as High Grade)
High Grade - curable*, very, very aggressive, and a higher mortality rate
*The definition of curable here is that it can go into remission for a short period of time or indefinitely.
I have Intermediate Grade NHL. I am not sure what stage I'm in just yet. In fact as I write this I am waiting for the call from the doctor. I had my PET scan on December 31st. I couldn't wait any longer (I really just want to know), and called the doctors office to see if they received the results. They have, and they are giving Dr. Gareis a message to please call me. Ugh - the waiting...
As for treatment - this is what I know right now...
If the NHL is contained in my neck area (thyroid) - treatment will be R-CHOP which stands for Radiation, Chemo, and Pill. I would have at least 3 chemo treatments, followed by radiation treatments, and will be on medication.
If the NHL has spread to other parts of my body, I will not go through radiation (as that is a targeted type of treatment). And I will have at least 6 chemo treatments.
In both cases, chemo will be every three weeks.
Prior to this appointment I joked about how I would be bald and that bald is beautiful. But it wasn't until I heard the doctor say it that it hit me. I asked her if this was the type of chemo I would lose my hair from - she said yes - and I couldn't help it, I cried, hard!!! Oh well - it's just hair, and I have to lose my hair to save my life, well that is what has to be done. She told me that after chemo hair tends to come back in with big curls and lighter than the original color and that I would probably have a shade of blonde. Doug said it will be like having a whole new wife!! This weekend I went to Yarn Garden and purchased some really soft yarn to make some newsboy hats. Hey - if I am going to be bald, by damned I will be stylish!!!! I have a previously scheduled hair appointment on Saturday, January 9th. I am going to have Ali cut my hair to right above my shoulders. I don't want to cut it short, but I also don't want to have it as long as it is and lose it. I am hoping that having it a little shorter will help to make it less traumatic to deal with.
So anyway...that is what I know for right now. Here is a list of upcoming tests and appointments...
Tuesday, January 5th - MUGA testing (this will test my heart to make sure it is strong enough to endure the chemo)
Thursday, January 7th - Appointment with Hem-Onc (we will discuss chemo in more detail and get the schedule set up)
Till then - LIVE STRONG!!!!!!
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