Bringing it back...

Knock, knock, knock...is this thing on?

My last post, as you see below was almost two years ago.  Is that a good or bad thing?  Well, I can tell you that it has been a good thing.  With all of the social media out there today, it is easy for every person to know every last little thing about you.  People love to air their dirty laundry - whether it is for the attention or just because they have no sensor.  But sometimes, in order to figure yourself out, you need to shut your mouth and open your mind!

If you have read my blog - thank you, you have been through it all with me.  If you haven't, let me give you the "Reader's Digest" version...

In 2008 I started the trip to hell when I went in for PAO surgery on my right hip (read life changing, major surgery).  I had complications from that and finished up the final surgery in the summer of 2009.  Just five short months after my final surgery I went in for surgery to remove a nodule on my thyroid.  Five days out from that surgery, December 15, 2009 I was diagnosed with cancer - Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  So from January 2010 until May 2010 I underwent chemo and radiation.  My next Pet Scan showed that I had "hot spots", meaning the cancer wasn't necessarily gone.  In March of 2011 the doctors decided to operate again and remove the rest of the cancer.  On March 25th, 2011 I was declared to be in remission and have been since!!  Not a year later my husband of 11 years came to me and said he didn't love me anymore, stating that between all of the surgeries and the cancer, he couldn't do it anymore and that he had fallen in love with someone else.

So why do I start this blog back up and "air my dirty laundry" now? Simple (at least to me) - if I can help just one person, just let one person know that some of the crap that they have had to deal with after cancer will get better - then it will make everything I went through worth it.  If I can tell one person that went through a divorce that "you did everything you could, I promise you will be happier" - then it is worth it.

I am coming up on my 3rd "birthday".  Next week I will celebrate three years of remission.  And I will do it happier and more at peace then I ever have.

So if you wish...stick around...there will be talks of
1.  Dating after the big "C" and the big "D"
2.  Nutrition
3.  Exercise
4.  Life without a thyroid and all it produces
5. And my journey as I look into Ayurveda Medicine

1 Year After Remission

So – it’s been a while.  I realize that I have been very quiet on my blog.  I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I was doing well since my remission report on March 25^th, 2011.  I have a confession…I AM NOT!!!  I won’t go into all the details and will try to sum up the last year and few months below.  From here on out this blog will be my outlet for dealing with life after cancer – I hope that it will help others going through the same emotional battle dealing with the aftermath as well as help my family and friends understand just a glimpse of what I go through every day.

March 25^th, 2011 – I got the remission report!  I can’t even tell you how excited I was, my husband was, and everyone else who is in our lives.  We celebrated – drinks and dinner with so many people.  I drank my 12 year old Jameson that D & I had purchased on our trip to Ireland.  Life was great…for a little while. 

June 2011 – My Aunt, Cousin, and mom all helped D throw me a 30^th birthday party.  I can’t even express how much this meant to me.  It was so wonderful to have everyone there.  See, here is the thing that non-cancer people don’t realize…when a person is battling cancer, if they are as lucky as me, they have so many people around them at all times.  Honestly, there wasn’t a weekend that there weren’t people at our house and there wasn’t a day that my phone didn’t have numerous phone calls and text messages coming in.  But then when the remission report came, these things slowed drastically.  And it is no one’s fault; I was healthy again and no one had to worry anymore…life goes on.  The truth was, I wasn’t fine…the cancer spots may have been gone, but they left more than the scars on my body…they left a huge scar on my mental state.  The week before my 30^th birthday I mentally broke down…and D can tell you, it wasn’t pretty.  I lay on the kitchen floor and just cried and cried and told D that I was broken.  This was a Sunday – that Monday I called my chemo nurse and asked her if they could recommend a therapist who deals with this type of thing.  She did and I started seeing him on Wednesday. 
I was down, down deep.  The therapist and I talked about everything.  At the time I was jobless, so that didn’t help anything because I was at home with too much time to think.  At the same time of all of these emotions with me, I was in a perpetual fight with my best friend and his girlfriend.  I couldn’t wrap my head around why her and I didn’t get along and I let it eat away at me…so much so, that my therapy sessions that were to be about my fears of living after cancer became sessions on how to mend the situation.  Needless to say, this didn’t help anything.

August 2011 – I finally got a job!!!  I thought “I am cured – I have a purpose and self-worth again”; not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to start a new job and have to take time off for therapy sessions…so I stopped.

September 2011 – January 2012 – Life went on.  I was busy at work.  D and I were entertaining a lot, visiting friends, going to games, etc.  In this time, I could feel something was wrong inside of me.  I thought that it was just inside of me and I wasn’t projecting it.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I was “off”.  I chalked a lot of it up to the fact that I lost my best friend…I had driven a wedge so far between us because his girlfriend and I couldn’t get along, that all contact stopped.  D had mentioned a couple times that he thought that I was so negative…I thought he meant about that particular situation, but hind sight 20/20, he was trying to tell me that the feelings I was having inside were coming out. 
In this time all I could talk about was buying a new car, buying a bigger house, and getting the new diamond setting for my engagement ring.  I was so focused on these things…I thought they would make it all better.  Now, after many therapy sessions, I have learned that this is “normal”.  After people survive cancer, they want to speed through life.  And it is true – I always thought that I had a lifetime to get that bigger house, buy that nicer car, etc…but once I got cancer and survived, all I wanted to do was fast forward and shove 40 years of a future into the present.  I don’t think I have to tell anyone, the stress that this can cause with a couple.  Now, not only did my caregiver have to be there to try and pick up the pieces of me left over from cancer, but now I was asking him to provide things we just financially weren’t ready to take on. 

February 2012 – February 12^th to be exact.  This day will have forever have changed my life.  I knew that I had been having a lot of emotional difficulties with dealing with life after cancer…and so blindly I leaned on my husband as my rock, my one true, my support.  Now, I know that some of you will say “well yeah, that is what spouses are for”, and I will agree with you to a certain extent.  However, in the condition I have been in, I also should have been going to a therapist and my husband shouldn’t have been bottling everything up inside, however, it happened and we are here.  Doug had been acting a little strange since his birthday in November, but had become stranger in the week leading up to 2/12/12.  On that Sunday I sat down with him and asked him what was going on.  And that is when it happened – my world crumbled.  He told me that he wasn’t sure about a lot of things in his life anymore and that I was one of them.  He wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore.  I cried, I screamed, I just couldn’t deal.  On Valentine’s Day – a day when most couples show their love for one another – we started individual counseling.  And our world hasn’t been the same since.

March – present – So as I write this, I am alone.  Our once 1200 square foot house has become a hollow mansion.  My husband and I are separated and divorce seems to be on the horizons.  I am an empty shell of myself.  Every day I cry.  I didn’t know that the human body could produce that many tears.  I want so bad to save my marriage, but I truly think I broke it so badly. 

For the people who know us – this news will be quite a shock.  Believe me, I am still in shock.  And some may ask why I write about this.  I have thought long and hard about it, but if my little blog about how people deal with cancer and life after cancer can help at least one person seek help before it is too late – then it will be all worth it.  I don’t intend to go into all of the intricacies and personal conversations that have happened; that would not be fair.  But I feel it is important that others going through what I am going through don’t feel as alone as I do.

I am so tired – tired of fighting.  For thirty years I have struggled with health issue after health issue…and now this mental health issue is too much.  I feel like I am letting everyone who knows me that I am letting them down by admitting all of this, but I just can’t do it anymore.  I am not the strong survivor that everyone thought I was and for that I am sorry.  At this point I don’t know if I will ever be Renee again, but I want to try.  And like I said – hopefully I will be able to help at least one other cancer survivor going through this feel as though they are not alone.  I may not post everyday – but I hope to post enough to be helpful.

And for my friends and family reading this, please don’t feel sorry for me – I did this, I let my thoughts get to me and sought help deep into feeling this way.  I am truly sorry to let everyone down, but this is my life today and I need to learn how to cope.

So it's all real...

"So it's all real, isn't it?"  That is just how I feel today.  Today I met with the Hem-Onc to set up my chemo schedule.  Can you say information overload???  As of now the plan is to have 3 rounds of chemo and then radiation.  I will be meeting a radiation doctor to make sure I can do the radiation.  The type of chemo I will be going through is R-CHOP.  Which stands for (R) Rituxan - (C) Cytoxan (H) Adriamycin (O) Vincristine (P) Prednisone.  When I heard the "P" I almost called the whole thing off...LOL!!!  I hate prednisone more than any other medicine.  I have been on it so many times for my asthma.  It is a nasty drug!!!  Very helpful, but so full of side effects.  Unofortunately, my worst side effect is weight gain.  I know this seems vain , but I gained a lot of weight from this drug over the years and finally, finally have taken most of it off.  But as with losing me hair...if it has to be done to save my life, well then, so be it.

We sat with my chemo nurse for 45 minutes going over what to expect.  It is crazy, the amount of information there is!!!  I will be having a port placed on Monday so the chemo drugs can be administered.  The doctor, nurse and I decided the port would be the best solution because my veins are crap.  When I had my hip surgery I blew through three IV's in one day!!  And I have had more IV's infiltrate than I can count.  When I told the doctor about this she said that I most definitely getting a port.  If a chemo IV would infiltrate it would burn and scar my skin because of how powerful the medications are.  So Monday at 8:45 I go into the hospital as an outpatient to have the port inserted on my right side near the clavicle.

My chemo nurse gave me a folder with all of the information about my treatment in it.  I swear the thing weighs like 10 lbs!!!  Ok, ok, I am probably exaggerating here, but seriously - it's thick!!!  The list of meds I will be on is crazy. 

I start chemo on January 14th at 1:20pm.  This will be the first half of the chemo (the CHOP part).  Then on Friday, January 15th I will go back in at 7:40am to get the Rituxan.  The Rituxan is the one that has all of the crazy side affects and can have reactions with the body when given for the first time.  This will be a very slow drip - and they will monitor me very closely to see how my body reacts.

Next week will be a very hectic week!!!  And I will be happy when it is over.  I go this weekend to get my hair cut.  I am getting it shorter than what it is now, but I am not getting cut short.  I know this sounds stupid, but I have never had a really high self esteem, but the one thing I have always liked is my hair...so it is hard to know it will be gone by February.  Again...if that is what it takes to save my life...well then, so be it!

Today as I write this I feel overwhelmed, tired and sad.  I am still strong, but even the strongest people have weak days, right???  I am off to bed and hope tomorrow is a good mood day, because I can't stand to be sad!!!!

A quick update...

I heard from the doctor’s last night around 5:15pm regarding the results of my PET scan…


My NHL is Stage 1E or Stage II. I will try to explain the best I can. The NHL has not spread throughout by body (which is awesome); however, it has spread in my neck area. They found active cancer cells in the back of my throat area and tongue. Technically, on paper, I have Stage II NHL. But the true definition of Stage II is that the cancer is in two or more lymph nodes. The Stage 1E comes into play because the cancer is in two or more locations, but those locations are known as Extra-nodes (think external nodes).

As far as the treatment plan…we are going to discuss all of that in detail on Thursday. Because of the location of the additional cancer cells, they are not sure if I will be able to get radiation. Reason one is the area may be too big and reason two being the location and possible long term health effects such as dry mouth (there were a couple others, but I forget – a lot of info to take in). No radiation would just mean a longer chemo therapy. This question of whether or not to do the radiation will not affect the start of chemo, as radiation comes after the chemo is done. So I may start chemo on Friday, and if not Friday, I will definitely start next week.

Thursday will prove to be a day filled with information overload.  I am glad I will have Doug there as a second set of ears!!!  The woman I spoke to last night said that she was surprised that I said about starting chemo on Friday, she thought I would like more time to process everything.  Truthfully, I don't know how much more I can talk about and process this - I just want to get started!!!  I am a doer not a talker!!! 

Btw...I want to thank my Aunt & Uncle for one of the most awesome Christmas gifts.  I received a pretty, wrapped package that said To: Renee From: Your Gaurdian Angels.  And inside was an awesome "Live Strong" t-shirt and a "Live Strong" fleece jacket!!  It meant so much to me!!!  I cried tears of joy, as those words mean so much to me and the people it came from mean so much!!!!  I will wear them with pride...and maybe shine my bald head up on those days...LOL!!!!

*On a side note...thank you all so very much for all of the nice comments you have been leaving.  Please know that I am not ignoring you.  I just haven't figured out how to respond to the comments yet from Blogger.

That six letter word...

On December 15th at 3pm I received a call from my surgeon who performed my right thyroid-ectomy on December 10th.  This call changed my life forever.  He told me that while the nodule was ok, the right thyroid showed differently.  Then he mentioned that dirty six letter word that no one ever wants to hear...CANCER!!!!!! 

I have Non-Hodgkin's B-Cell Lymphoma, Large Cell type.  What the hell does that mean, you ask!!!  Well, I'm not quite sure.  I meet with the hematologist/oncologist tomorrow (12/24).  I have a lot of questions and hope to get a lot of answers.  I will learn my plan of attack.  On 12/31/09 I go for my PET scan.  This (from what I understand) will help determine what stage of cancer I have.

I have decided to use my blog to help my friends & family stay informed with my journey through all of this.  Sorry "hipsters", I don't think I will be having my left PAO for quite some time...much bigger fish to fry now.  Some of my friends had mentioned carepages.com and caringbridge.org.  I looked into them, but figured that since I have a blog already set up, I would use it.  And people can "subscribe" to this blog so that they can get a notification when I post something. 

I want to thank everyone that has been so supportive already.  I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do!!!  I am strong and have fought through so much crap in my 28 years that cancer does not have a chance with me!!!  I will beat this...failure is not an option!!!! 

So if you would like to follow this journey...thank you!!  And in the words of Lance Armstrong "LIVE STRONG"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!