So let me start this post by saying I am not writing this for pity or sorrow…I just am feeling a little down. With this cancer crap – you will have days like this…I guess these are mine. This blog is my outlet for dealing with the cancer and documenting what I am going through – believe me, I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
2 comments:
Girl you are totally entitled to a pity party!!! AND Thank GOD for our wonderful husbands for putting up with all the shit we dish out while dealing with these stressful times. You are a stronger woman than I am with all you are dealing with and your ability to keep a positive attitude. Hang in there girl!
Renee, running yourself into the ground is really letting the cancer win. It is trying to fool you, silly girl. Please...rest, stop worrying about "keeping up" you need your strength to kick it's ass. I know some offices where people can "donate" their vacation time to co-workers who are sick and need it...is that something your business could look into?
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