Knock, knock, knock...is this thing on?
My last post, as you see below was almost two years ago. Is that a good or bad thing? Well, I can tell you that it has been a good thing. With all of the social media out there today, it is easy for every person to know every last little thing about you. People love to air their dirty laundry - whether it is for the attention or just because they have no sensor. But sometimes, in order to figure yourself out, you need to shut your mouth and open your mind!
If you have read my blog - thank you, you have been through it all with me. If you haven't, let me give you the "Reader's Digest" version...
In 2008 I started the trip to hell when I went in for PAO surgery on my right hip (read life changing, major surgery). I had complications from that and finished up the final surgery in the summer of 2009. Just five short months after my final surgery I went in for surgery to remove a nodule on my thyroid. Five days out from that surgery, December 15, 2009 I was diagnosed with cancer - Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. So from January 2010 until May 2010 I underwent chemo and radiation. My next Pet Scan showed that I had "hot spots", meaning the cancer wasn't necessarily gone. In March of 2011 the doctors decided to operate again and remove the rest of the cancer. On March 25th, 2011 I was declared to be in remission and have been since!! Not a year later my husband of 11 years came to me and said he didn't love me anymore, stating that between all of the surgeries and the cancer, he couldn't do it anymore and that he had fallen in love with someone else.
So why do I start this blog back up and "air my dirty laundry" now? Simple (at least to me) - if I can help just one person, just let one person know that some of the crap that they have had to deal with after cancer will get better - then it will make everything I went through worth it. If I can tell one person that went through a divorce that "you did everything you could, I promise you will be happier" - then it is worth it.
I am coming up on my 3rd "birthday". Next week I will celebrate three years of remission. And I will do it happier and more at peace then I ever have.
So if you wish...stick around...there will be talks of
1. Dating after the big "C" and the big "D"
2. Nutrition
3. Exercise
4. Life without a thyroid and all it produces
5. And my journey as I look into Ayurveda Medicine
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Monday, June 25, 2012
When Surviving Becomes Living...
This post has been in my head for a while, but I haven’t
known where to start. Today as I type
this I am learning how to not only be a survivor of cancer, but also a survivor
of divorce. But more importantly I am
learning to LIVE and not just survive.
As I mentioned in my post on April 27th – D had moved out and divorce was on the horizon.
Well that horizon came on May 23rd – as D filed for
divorce. Devastated could not even begin
to describe how I felt – even know I had a feeling since February that this
would be inevitable I had still held hope.
The certified papers only confirmed what I had thought was my worst fear. Fast forward one month and I can honestly say
I am in a much better place than I was in February from May.
I am not like most cancer survivors…well really, I am not
like most people; you see I was married at 19.
While I wanted that, it didn’t give me the opportunity to ever be on my
own. I moved from my parent’s house into
the apartment that I would share with my husband. While we shared the chores like cleaning and
laundry I am finding there were some things that I just never learned. One of my weaknesses is that I don’t really
know how to cook. Well, let me rephrase
that…if you want your meat done at one time, your veggies done at another, and
another side done later on…well then I am an excellent cook. This has probably been my most challenging
feat on my own. I am staying in the
house that we purchased – while it is nice to have something constant in my
world of change right now, this has brought along its own set of
challenges. My family and friends have
been so supportive in helping me out; you know when I have a straight up
breakdown at 9:30 at night because I can’t get the garage door to go down and
my father comes down to help me get it down for the night until the cable can
be repaired; followed by my Aunt and Cousin to pick up the pieces of me. Now don’t get me wrong, I have never shied
away from home repairs…but there are just some things that are beyond my knowledge. I am learning that it is OK to ask for help
and that people won’t think you are weak.
June 7th was my turning point, when I finally
came back out of my shell. I woke up
that morning extremely sad; sad that I was going to Special Olympics Summer
Games in Penn State alone (well not really alone, let me explain). My assistant coach and I had a falling out
during the off season of tennis and he decided not to return for this
season. So instead D said he will
help me coach. This was a relief because
I would be taking a male athlete up to the summer games and it is a lot easier
when there is a male coach to go along.
About two weeks before the games, D decided that he could not go. So when I woke up on June 7th, I
felt completely alone. But something
happened between my house and the IU building where I was meeting my athlete to
pick him up…I started to come back to life.
On my way to pick up my athlete I yelled at myself (hey don’t judge –
sometimes we all need to do this). I
told myself that this weekend was NOT about ME, it was about my athlete and all
of the other athletes that earned the right to go to games. I told myself that it was time to put the big
girl panties on and suck it up and deal.
And so I did. When my athlete got
in the car I asked him what music he liked…to which he responded
enthusiastically… “Praise and worship”.
My jaw hit the floor. I thought
to myself, ‘this is going to be a long hour and half drive to State College’,
for two reasons; one, I never really got in to that type of music and two, my
faith has definitely been pushed to the limits lately and while I want to get
it back, I am just not there yet. At any
rate I scanned the radio for such a station and found one. Now, while my faith has been in question, I
always have and always will believe that everything happens for a reason. For the rest of the drive I listened to the
words of the music and continued to give myself the pep talk I needed to face
the world as Renee – single.
When we arrived at Penn State, I was mentally prepared to
take on the weekend. And take it on I
did. Here is the thing about Special
Olympics Athletes – they have a way of making you feel good. The happiness that exudes is overwhelming and
you have no choice but to feel that way as well. Shannon and Kay (the directors of Area M) had
arranged for me to have a chaperon for my athlete; so I no longer had to worry
about getting him up and ready for competition.
We all had a blast that weekend and truthfully, I didn’t want it to
end. It is amazing to me how when we are
not looking for something and we think all is over and done – things change.
So since June 7th I have changed my outlook on
life – not just as a cancer survivor or a “divorcee” – but as a person in
general. I am no longer “surviving” my
life, I am living it. I am continuing my
therapy in helping me overcome the fear of the cancer, but at least now I am
doing something to help with the therapy rather than counteract it.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Sorry can not even begin...
To all of my friends and family,
First off I know this is not normally a way to apologize, but this seemed like the right way to reach everyone.
Sorry - what type of word is Sorry...does it really mean anything anymore? Well I can tell you that in my case, sorry comes from my heart. Although I am not even sure "sorry" can really cut it. For the last year I have went through an emotional roller coaster (see previous post). And in this time I have managed to strain and even ruin valuable friendships and relationships. The words that came out of my mouth were poisonous and hurtful. My head was so full of hatred. Hatred towards the cancer and the shit that I had just endured; but this hatred didn't get directed towards that, instead it came out as mean to the ones I loved the most. I alienated some of those close to me and clung way too hard to others. When you cling to one person and alienate the rest - it tends to send the clung to person running. I mean - how would you feel if one person relied solely on you to be their everything - you would feel overwhelmed.
As I get a chance to talk to each of you individually, I will apologize for the things I said to you personally. But I just needed everyone to know how truly sorry I am for how I have been this last year. To tell you the truth, I don't blame some of you for not liking me - I don't like me for how I have been.
But, moving forward - this is my vow to each and everyone of you...you will start to see the Renee that you are all use to - the positive and happy Renee. Because truthfully, that is who I am. I have always seen the positive in everything and unfortunately, I had a hard time doing that with the cancer. I feel as though all of the health issues I have had has sucked that person out - but now I am starting to realize that it was just buried - deep.
I know this may seem like a lot to ask, but I am asking each and every one of you to please give me a second chance. Please let me show you that the person you all knew and loved is coming back. Please open your hearts and let me back in - I promise I won't make the same mistake twice.
With the deepest love and regret for how I have been.
~Renee
First off I know this is not normally a way to apologize, but this seemed like the right way to reach everyone.
Sorry - what type of word is Sorry...does it really mean anything anymore? Well I can tell you that in my case, sorry comes from my heart. Although I am not even sure "sorry" can really cut it. For the last year I have went through an emotional roller coaster (see previous post). And in this time I have managed to strain and even ruin valuable friendships and relationships. The words that came out of my mouth were poisonous and hurtful. My head was so full of hatred. Hatred towards the cancer and the shit that I had just endured; but this hatred didn't get directed towards that, instead it came out as mean to the ones I loved the most. I alienated some of those close to me and clung way too hard to others. When you cling to one person and alienate the rest - it tends to send the clung to person running. I mean - how would you feel if one person relied solely on you to be their everything - you would feel overwhelmed.
As I get a chance to talk to each of you individually, I will apologize for the things I said to you personally. But I just needed everyone to know how truly sorry I am for how I have been this last year. To tell you the truth, I don't blame some of you for not liking me - I don't like me for how I have been.
But, moving forward - this is my vow to each and everyone of you...you will start to see the Renee that you are all use to - the positive and happy Renee. Because truthfully, that is who I am. I have always seen the positive in everything and unfortunately, I had a hard time doing that with the cancer. I feel as though all of the health issues I have had has sucked that person out - but now I am starting to realize that it was just buried - deep.
I know this may seem like a lot to ask, but I am asking each and every one of you to please give me a second chance. Please let me show you that the person you all knew and loved is coming back. Please open your hearts and let me back in - I promise I won't make the same mistake twice.
With the deepest love and regret for how I have been.
~Renee
Friday, April 27, 2012
1 Year After Remission
So – it’s been a while.
I realize that I have been very quiet on my blog. I tried to convince myself and everyone
around me that I was doing well since my remission report on March 25th,
2011. I have a confession…I AM
NOT!!! I won’t go into all the details
and will try to sum up the last year and few months below. From here on out this blog will be my outlet
for dealing with life after cancer – I hope that it will help others going
through the same emotional battle dealing with the aftermath as well as help my
family and friends understand just a glimpse of what I go through every day.
March 25th, 2011 – I got the remission report! I can’t even tell you how excited I was, my husband was, and everyone else who is in our lives. We celebrated – drinks and dinner with so many people. I drank my 12 year old Jameson that D & I had purchased on our trip to Ireland. Life was great…for a little while.
June 2011 – My Aunt, Cousin, and mom all helped D throw me a 30th birthday party. I can’t even express how much this meant to me. It was so wonderful to have everyone there. See, here is the thing that non-cancer people don’t realize…when a person is battling cancer, if they are as lucky as me, they have so many people around them at all times. Honestly, there wasn’t a weekend that there weren’t people at our house and there wasn’t a day that my phone didn’t have numerous phone calls and text messages coming in. But then when the remission report came, these things slowed drastically. And it is no one’s fault; I was healthy again and no one had to worry anymore…life goes on. The truth was, I wasn’t fine…the cancer spots may have been gone, but they left more than the scars on my body…they left a huge scar on my mental state. The week before my 30th birthday I mentally broke down…and D can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I lay on the kitchen floor and just cried and cried and told D that I was broken. This was a Sunday – that Monday I called my chemo nurse and asked her if they could recommend a therapist who deals with this type of thing. She did and I started seeing him on Wednesday.
I was down, down deep. The therapist and I talked about everything. At the time I was jobless, so that didn’t help anything because I was at home with too much time to think. At the same time of all of these emotions with me, I was in a perpetual fight with my best friend and his girlfriend. I couldn’t wrap my head around why her and I didn’t get along and I let it eat away at me…so much so, that my therapy sessions that were to be about my fears of living after cancer became sessions on how to mend the situation. Needless to say, this didn’t help anything.
In this time all I could talk about was buying a new car, buying a bigger house, and getting the new diamond setting for my engagement ring. I was so focused on these things…I thought they would make it all better. Now, after many therapy sessions, I have learned that this is “normal”. After people survive cancer, they want to speed through life. And it is true – I always thought that I had a lifetime to get that bigger house, buy that nicer car, etc…but once I got cancer and survived, all I wanted to do was fast forward and shove 40 years of a future into the present. I don’t think I have to tell anyone, the stress that this can cause with a couple. Now, not only did my caregiver have to be there to try and pick up the pieces of me left over from cancer, but now I was asking him to provide things we just financially weren’t ready to take on.
February 2012 –
February 12th to be exact.
This day will have forever have changed my life. I knew that I had been having a lot of
emotional difficulties with dealing with life after cancer…and so blindly I
leaned on my husband as my rock, my one true, my support. Now, I know that some of you will say “well
yeah, that is what spouses are for”, and I will agree with you to a certain
extent. However, in the condition I have
been in, I also should have been going to a therapist and my husband shouldn’t
have been bottling everything up inside, however, it happened and we are
here. Doug had been acting a little
strange since his birthday in November, but had become stranger in the week
leading up to 2/12/12. On that Sunday I
sat down with him and asked him what was going on. And that is when it happened – my world
crumbled. He told me that he wasn’t sure
about a lot of things in his life anymore and that I was one of them. He wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. I cried, I screamed, I just couldn’t
deal. On Valentine’s Day – a day when most couples show their love
for one another – we started individual counseling. And our world hasn’t been the same since.
March 25th, 2011 – I got the remission report! I can’t even tell you how excited I was, my husband was, and everyone else who is in our lives. We celebrated – drinks and dinner with so many people. I drank my 12 year old Jameson that D & I had purchased on our trip to Ireland. Life was great…for a little while.
June 2011 – My Aunt, Cousin, and mom all helped D throw me a 30th birthday party. I can’t even express how much this meant to me. It was so wonderful to have everyone there. See, here is the thing that non-cancer people don’t realize…when a person is battling cancer, if they are as lucky as me, they have so many people around them at all times. Honestly, there wasn’t a weekend that there weren’t people at our house and there wasn’t a day that my phone didn’t have numerous phone calls and text messages coming in. But then when the remission report came, these things slowed drastically. And it is no one’s fault; I was healthy again and no one had to worry anymore…life goes on. The truth was, I wasn’t fine…the cancer spots may have been gone, but they left more than the scars on my body…they left a huge scar on my mental state. The week before my 30th birthday I mentally broke down…and D can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I lay on the kitchen floor and just cried and cried and told D that I was broken. This was a Sunday – that Monday I called my chemo nurse and asked her if they could recommend a therapist who deals with this type of thing. She did and I started seeing him on Wednesday.
I was down, down deep. The therapist and I talked about everything. At the time I was jobless, so that didn’t help anything because I was at home with too much time to think. At the same time of all of these emotions with me, I was in a perpetual fight with my best friend and his girlfriend. I couldn’t wrap my head around why her and I didn’t get along and I let it eat away at me…so much so, that my therapy sessions that were to be about my fears of living after cancer became sessions on how to mend the situation. Needless to say, this didn’t help anything.
August 2011 – I finally
got a job!!! I thought “I am cured – I have
a purpose and self-worth again”; not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to
start a new job and have to take time off for therapy sessions…so I stopped.
September 2011 –
January 2012 – Life went on. I was
busy at work. D and I were
entertaining a lot, visiting friends, going to games, etc. In this time, I could feel something was
wrong inside of me. I thought that it
was just inside of me and I wasn’t projecting it. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I
was “off”. I chalked a lot of it up to
the fact that I lost my best friend…I had driven a wedge so far between us
because his girlfriend and I couldn’t get along, that all contact stopped. D had mentioned a couple times that he
thought that I was so negative…I thought he meant about that particular
situation, but hind sight 20/20, he was trying to tell me that the feelings I
was having inside were coming out. In this time all I could talk about was buying a new car, buying a bigger house, and getting the new diamond setting for my engagement ring. I was so focused on these things…I thought they would make it all better. Now, after many therapy sessions, I have learned that this is “normal”. After people survive cancer, they want to speed through life. And it is true – I always thought that I had a lifetime to get that bigger house, buy that nicer car, etc…but once I got cancer and survived, all I wanted to do was fast forward and shove 40 years of a future into the present. I don’t think I have to tell anyone, the stress that this can cause with a couple. Now, not only did my caregiver have to be there to try and pick up the pieces of me left over from cancer, but now I was asking him to provide things we just financially weren’t ready to take on.
March – present –
So as I write this, I am alone. Our once
1200 square foot house has become a hollow mansion. My husband and I are separated and divorce
seems to be on the horizons. I am an
empty shell of myself. Every day I
cry. I didn’t know that the human body
could produce that many tears. I want so
bad to save my marriage, but I truly think I broke it so badly.
For the people who know us – this news will be quite a
shock. Believe me, I am still in
shock. And some may ask why I write
about this. I have thought long and hard
about it, but if my little blog about how people deal with cancer and life
after cancer can help at least one person seek help before it is too late –
then it will be all worth it. I don’t
intend to go into all of the intricacies and personal conversations that have
happened; that would not be fair. But I
feel it is important that others going through what I am going through don’t
feel as alone as I do.
I am so tired – tired of fighting. For thirty years I have struggled with health
issue after health issue…and now this mental health issue is too much. I feel like I am letting everyone who knows
me that I am letting them down by admitting all of this, but I just can’t do it
anymore. I am not the strong survivor
that everyone thought I was and for that I am sorry. At this point I don’t know if I will ever be
Renee again, but I want to try. And like
I said – hopefully I will be able to help at least one other cancer survivor going
through this feel as though they are not alone.
I may not post everyday – but I hope to post enough to be helpful.
And for my friends and family reading this, please don’t
feel sorry for me – I did this, I let my thoughts get to me and sought help
deep into feeling this way. I am truly
sorry to let everyone down, but this is my life today and I need to learn how
to cope.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Free at last!!!!!!!
March 25th, 2011 - another very important date for the memory banks...the day a weight was lifted off my shoulders!! I AM IN REMISSION!!!! Yes - you read that right!!! Finally - after a very long year and a half, the doctors have safely announced that I am in REMISSION!!!
When I was walking out of the room at the doctor's today my chemo nurse, Renee (small world) - gave a big hug and congratulated me...I started to cry - not because I am sad, but because I am just so happy. I have never been the happy crying type - but apparently today I became the type. Dr. Gareis said "She's crying..." and Renee told her that it was just tears of joy.
I had already had plans to meet with the "Ladies who Lunch" for a tea party for the little girls today. When I announced the news - my cousin, Nicole ran to her garage and came back with a cake that had the word "Survivor" written on it! Craziness!! It is amazing to me that I have this many wonderful people in my life. I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, love, and support!! Even when there were days where I just was out of sorts - I could always count on one of you to say or do something that in your eyes was nothing but in mine was tremendous!!!
The nurses at the doctors are setting up for me to have my Medi-Port removed. Next week I will get the call on when that will happen. And that will officially end this crazy chapter of my life. And let me tell you - I am very ready to go on to the next chapter!!! As I am sure D is as well. I can only imagine the stress that this has had on him as well. I could not have asked for a more awesome husband though - he has truly been my rock through everything!!
There are many more thank yous to be handed out - just not today...I need to go put on my "Survivor" shirt, drink my 12 year old Jameson that I got in Ireland just for this occasion, and celebrate!!!!
When I was walking out of the room at the doctor's today my chemo nurse, Renee (small world) - gave a big hug and congratulated me...I started to cry - not because I am sad, but because I am just so happy. I have never been the happy crying type - but apparently today I became the type. Dr. Gareis said "She's crying..." and Renee told her that it was just tears of joy.
I had already had plans to meet with the "Ladies who Lunch" for a tea party for the little girls today. When I announced the news - my cousin, Nicole ran to her garage and came back with a cake that had the word "Survivor" written on it! Craziness!! It is amazing to me that I have this many wonderful people in my life. I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, love, and support!! Even when there were days where I just was out of sorts - I could always count on one of you to say or do something that in your eyes was nothing but in mine was tremendous!!!
The nurses at the doctors are setting up for me to have my Medi-Port removed. Next week I will get the call on when that will happen. And that will officially end this crazy chapter of my life. And let me tell you - I am very ready to go on to the next chapter!!! As I am sure D is as well. I can only imagine the stress that this has had on him as well. I could not have asked for a more awesome husband though - he has truly been my rock through everything!!
There are many more thank yous to be handed out - just not today...I need to go put on my "Survivor" shirt, drink my 12 year old Jameson that I got in Ireland just for this occasion, and celebrate!!!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Surgeon Appointment
Just a quick update...
I was able to get in to see the surgeon today (thank you to whomever canceled their appointment that made this possible). I will be going Monday, March 14th to have my left thyroid removed. I have never been more excited for a surgery...as I am really hoping that this will end this chapter in the cancer battle. This weekend I will be shopping for jello and broth.
I was able to get in to see the surgeon today (thank you to whomever canceled their appointment that made this possible). I will be going Monday, March 14th to have my left thyroid removed. I have never been more excited for a surgery...as I am really hoping that this will end this chapter in the cancer battle. This weekend I will be shopping for jello and broth.
Friday, March 4, 2011
3/3/11 PET Scan
Well - the PET Scan results are in...the 12 year old Jameson I had planned on drinking when I heard the "R" word will have to age a little more.
Unfortunately - the "hot spot" on my left thyroid that has been lighting up and they have been monitoring decided to change a little. There is an increased activity level since the last scan. Apparently so much so that my hem-onc would like me to call on Monday to see the surgeon. She would not venture anything past me seeing the surgeon; which means I don't know anything else past that. I don't know if the surgery will remove everything or if I will need any type of treatment after surgery. Right now everything is a blur.
Sorry to leave everyone with that news. I will post more once I know. Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying, thinking good thoughts, etc...I have never felt like I was worthy enough to have the love and support I do have - it has been amazing.
The plan for the weekend is to do some house renovations and keep my mind off of it.
Unfortunately - the "hot spot" on my left thyroid that has been lighting up and they have been monitoring decided to change a little. There is an increased activity level since the last scan. Apparently so much so that my hem-onc would like me to call on Monday to see the surgeon. She would not venture anything past me seeing the surgeon; which means I don't know anything else past that. I don't know if the surgery will remove everything or if I will need any type of treatment after surgery. Right now everything is a blur.
Sorry to leave everyone with that news. I will post more once I know. Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying, thinking good thoughts, etc...I have never felt like I was worthy enough to have the love and support I do have - it has been amazing.
The plan for the weekend is to do some house renovations and keep my mind off of it.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Hem Onc Visit - 1/14/11
As many of you know I met with my hem-onc doctor today. As with all of my appointments with her I hold out high hopes that maybe just maybe this will be the appointment that I hear the words “you are cancer free”. Today was not that day…
The great news first…all of my blood counts are up!!! And for the first time none of them are in the red. I think This is wonderful – this is the day she is going to tell me that I and cancer free. So I say to her “All I want is to hear that “r” word.” She looks as me as though I just told a puppy to sit. I explain to her that I want that “remission”. I say “everyone else I know has gotten it why can’t I” – as though I am a pre-teen girl asking for the latest designer jeans. Here is how that conversation went…
Dr: Well, Renee “technically you can be considered in remission because you are not actively getting treatment.
Me: So I am cancer free??? (Glimmers of hope) What about the hot spots on the last Pet Scan??
Dr: Well…no you are not quite cancer free. The next Pet Scan will helps us with that.
Me: Oh – I see, and when can I have that done.
Dr: Well (she says well A LOT), you just had the one in November so it will have to be March.
Me: (Not said out loud, but thinking) MARCH – REALLY – MARCH!!!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me!!!! I hate this limbo shit!!!
Dr: (Obvious that even though I didn’t say anything – my body language did) Renee – you really need to stop living in fear of the cancer and just live normally.
Me: I am…I keep very active I am trying new things like skiing… but I trail off and stop talking then say thank you for the appointment.
So…live normally huh?!?! I thought that was what I have been doing for the last year
That I have been dealing with all of this. I am trying to live normal…I go to gym or workout at home, I have started taking classes, I am learning new things, and on the job hunt. However, sometimes it is hard to feel “normal” when I go to gym and do what is an average workout and hear “are you alright, you look absolutely exhausted” or every day when I take my clothes off there is this large port sticking out of my chest. These stupid little reminders drive me crazy.
To sum it up – I could technically be in remission, but I am not cancer free and I will not know until March…March 3rd to be exact – that is the Pet Scan. Yes – I know I could have just said this sentence at the beginning, but what fun would that be.
Oh and since I have you all tuned in…please hit me up if you want a friend to pal around with or are going to do some really cool outdoor activity. I haven’t had a lot of friend interaction lately – I think it is starting to show…I have been a little grumpy to poor D and he doesn’t deserve that!
Love you all!
The great news first…all of my blood counts are up!!! And for the first time none of them are in the red. I think This is wonderful – this is the day she is going to tell me that I and cancer free. So I say to her “All I want is to hear that “r” word.” She looks as me as though I just told a puppy to sit. I explain to her that I want that “remission”. I say “everyone else I know has gotten it why can’t I” – as though I am a pre-teen girl asking for the latest designer jeans. Here is how that conversation went…
Dr: Well, Renee “technically you can be considered in remission because you are not actively getting treatment.
Me: So I am cancer free??? (Glimmers of hope) What about the hot spots on the last Pet Scan??
Dr: Well…no you are not quite cancer free. The next Pet Scan will helps us with that.
Me: Oh – I see, and when can I have that done.
Dr: Well (she says well A LOT), you just had the one in November so it will have to be March.
Me: (Not said out loud, but thinking) MARCH – REALLY – MARCH!!!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me!!!! I hate this limbo shit!!!
Dr: (Obvious that even though I didn’t say anything – my body language did) Renee – you really need to stop living in fear of the cancer and just live normally.
Me: I am…I keep very active I am trying new things like skiing… but I trail off and stop talking then say thank you for the appointment.
So…live normally huh?!?! I thought that was what I have been doing for the last year
That I have been dealing with all of this. I am trying to live normal…I go to gym or workout at home, I have started taking classes, I am learning new things, and on the job hunt. However, sometimes it is hard to feel “normal” when I go to gym and do what is an average workout and hear “are you alright, you look absolutely exhausted” or every day when I take my clothes off there is this large port sticking out of my chest. These stupid little reminders drive me crazy.
To sum it up – I could technically be in remission, but I am not cancer free and I will not know until March…March 3rd to be exact – that is the Pet Scan. Yes – I know I could have just said this sentence at the beginning, but what fun would that be.
Oh and since I have you all tuned in…please hit me up if you want a friend to pal around with or are going to do some really cool outdoor activity. I haven’t had a lot of friend interaction lately – I think it is starting to show…I have been a little grumpy to poor D and he doesn’t deserve that!
Love you all!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
One Year...
One year ago today – my life changed forever!!! At 3:30 pm on this day last year I received the call that made me look at and live life a little differently – but then again, the words “you have cancer” have a way of doing that.
A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.
Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!
At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.
November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!
One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!
A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.
Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!
At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.
November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!
One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Quick update from Dr's appt
I just wanted to write a quick update from the doctor’s appointment I had today. The appointment was to go over the results of the CT scan from Tuesday. As the phone call from the doctor’s office had stated – there are no new masses. This is wonderful news!!!! So now I just need to pray and convince my body to keep the cancer where it is!! Dr. Gareis and I also talked more about the results from the PET scan in July. She showed me the report – and there it was in black and white – “high levels of abnormal activity in the left thyroid”. I know that the doctors have already told me this, but I just think the impact is so much greater in black and white. Yes the doctor’s told me there was still cancer, but truthfully in the back of mind I kept on thinking that maybe they read the report wrong. No such luck.
Dr Gareis then suggested having a needle biopsy done. I have had one of these in the past (back when the whole cancer possibility started). These are very nerve racking things!! No matter how “use to” needles I am – it is a little scary to have six or so needles shoved into my neck!!! I declined to have this biopsy done. And here is my reasoning behind it – confirmed by the doctor, there would not be any action taken from the results of the biopsy, it would simply be yet another test. No treatment action is going to take place until after the PET scan in November. My body is already worn out – why should I subject myself to yet another test.
We talked a little more about the tiredness and overall “not feeling well”. The doctor believes that it is a combination of the Lymphoma, the thyroid, and the stress. I told her that my biggest worry is that people (including myself) look at me and think that I should be able to do anything because I am currently not going through any treatments. The doctor said that this is normal and that it is going to take my body a while to come back to where it was.
My next appointment is the week after we return from Ireland. From there we will schedule the PET scan for the first week of November. Until then…living life. The doctor said that the trip will do me a world of good and will help me “escape” for a little.
We now tune back to our regularly happy self…sorry for the down time…
Dr Gareis then suggested having a needle biopsy done. I have had one of these in the past (back when the whole cancer possibility started). These are very nerve racking things!! No matter how “use to” needles I am – it is a little scary to have six or so needles shoved into my neck!!! I declined to have this biopsy done. And here is my reasoning behind it – confirmed by the doctor, there would not be any action taken from the results of the biopsy, it would simply be yet another test. No treatment action is going to take place until after the PET scan in November. My body is already worn out – why should I subject myself to yet another test.
We talked a little more about the tiredness and overall “not feeling well”. The doctor believes that it is a combination of the Lymphoma, the thyroid, and the stress. I told her that my biggest worry is that people (including myself) look at me and think that I should be able to do anything because I am currently not going through any treatments. The doctor said that this is normal and that it is going to take my body a while to come back to where it was.
My next appointment is the week after we return from Ireland. From there we will schedule the PET scan for the first week of November. Until then…living life. The doctor said that the trip will do me a world of good and will help me “escape” for a little.
We now tune back to our regularly happy self…sorry for the down time…
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Update & brutal honesty...
*Pre-read warning…the following was written on August 31st – before my appointment with Dr Gareis…to skip to the results…please scroll down to “Post Dr Visit”. I also will apologize to those of you who always say how strong I am…because this post shows that I have weak moments.
So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…
The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.
First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.
Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!
Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.
Post Dr. Appointment…
As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.
So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.
I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue. I need happy and upbeat!!!!
Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!
So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…
The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.
First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.
Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!
Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.
Post Dr. Appointment…
As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.
So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.
I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue. I need happy and upbeat!!!!
Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Quack!!
Quack!!! I am a sitting duck…or at least that is what I feel like. I met with the surgeon today. He looked at my vocal cords and voice box. He believes that they are fine and the abnormalities are a residual from the radiation and chemo. However – that still leaves the left thyroid that is showing “high levels of activity (cancer)”. He didn’t have the PET scan in front of him but said that there is no way they can remove the thyroid this close to post treatments. I said “but, the high levels of activity…I just want it gone” – but they are unable to do that. Don't get me wrong - I am very happy that the surgeon feels the abnormalities of the vocal chords and voice box are not cancerous. I'm very grateful that it is not spreading.
I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.
You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.
So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.
As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!
I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.
You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.
So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.
As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!
Friday, July 16, 2010
July 16th, 2010
July 16, 2010 – another date to go in the memory banks. I called the doctor’s office this morning to see if they had the results from my PET scan in. They did. The woman told me that the doctor was out of the office today, but she would put a call into them…I told her that I did not care who called me, a doctor, a PA, a nurse, or even a medical assistant, I just wanted to know the results. Well, that’s what I get for wanting to know so bad…a PA (physician’s assistant) returned my call. It seems that the cancer is as stubborn as I am!!! There is a lot of activity going on in the left thyroid (only one I have left). Which means the fucking cancer is not gone!!!! (Pardon my French – but it makes me mad).
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Small Update...
So I guess it’s been a while huh?? Well – I am still here, and I am still kicking (pretty hard actually). Let’s see since my last blog entry in May…
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
I also had the honor of being one of the speakers at this year’s Luminaria ceremony during Relay. At the ceremony four survivors read the meaning behind each letter in the word “Hope” I read for the letter “e”. I cannot even begin to tell you how nervous I was. My biggest fear was that I would break down and start crying half way through the ready. Not so – I actually made it through without shaking, tears shed or anything else. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Those who came out to support me and our team were just awesome. I had no idea the amount of support I had!!! Relay was such a blast!!! I can’t wait to do it again next year!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Living Life...
Yes, yes – I know I am terrible at updating…I’m sorry. I get so wrapped up in living life that I forget to write about it.
First things first…the important information…I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!!! In all caps – just in case you questioned how excited I am. Tuesday, April 27th was my last radiation treatment!!!! I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st just to see how I am doing off of the radiation. I can not tell you how excited I am to not have to be strapped down to a table by my head and lay there while large amounts of radiation are shot to my neck. Doesn’t sound so appealing does it???
They let me keep my radiation mask…I think it is only fitting that I have a little destroying ceremony. So at the Relay for Life, June 18th-19th everyone on the team will get to help cut up the mask into itty bitty pieces…and each piece destroyed will represent the cancer that was destroyed!!!
On Thursday, May 13th I had a follow up with my hem-onc doctor, Dr. Gareis. They checked my port and took blood. My port is still functioning well; which is good since I will need to keep it for at least another 4 months. Dr. Gareis is very pleased with how my levels are coming up since radiation. I will go back to see her on July 8th and we will schedule my first post treatment PET scan. This scan will be the base scan of which the one following it (3-4 months) will be compared to. It will be at this time they will determine if I am cancer free or if more chemo is necessary. I think we all know what outcome I am praying for!!!! Dr. Gareis told me to not worry about the next couple of months and to live my life as though there is no cancer. That is the plan!!! I wasn’t going to celebrate being cancer free until I got that PET scan, but I don’t think I can wait that long to celebrate the big accomplishment I have already made!!! Party to come soon.
So since radiation is over I am trying to get back to life pre-cancer. Or at least what will be the new normal. As far as work – my doctor wanted me to ease back into full days for the Month of May and by June I will be back to 40 hours a week. The fatigue is the biggest battle right now. I am pretty good at ignoring pain and fatigue…but this type of fatigue only gets ignored for so long. I can’t wait for the days of leaving work, heading to the gym, and then home for dinner and household chores. I have been averaging 1-2 days at the gym per week. Last week I played five innings of softball!! All in good time is what I keep telling myself. This past week I could feel my energy level draining day by day. By Saturday I was beat and still had the weekend to get through. I made it through. And I would like to apologize to Doug for being so cranky…I will admit that when I get that tired – I am not a nice person to be around.
I’m trying really hard to grow the little peach fuzz on the top of my head. I can not wait to not have to wear this wig to work anymore. When I am at home or friends I let the peach fuzz free; out in public I wear a hat; and playing sports or at the gym I wear a bandana. Yesterday I was at Target and was completely stunned by a woman who came up to me and said “I like your hair style. It’s very cool (temperature) for this weather. I am going to get mine done like that.” I was completely stunned – I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t until she walked away that I processed it. I mean really?!?! What should I have said – “thank you” or should I have totally stunned her back and said “yeah you should never let chemo be your hair stylist.” Crazy!!! I was wearing a hat and when I have a hat on it is clear there is no hair there!!! Oh well.
So that’s pretty much it for now – just living life post cancer treatments. And trying really hard not to tick Doug off too much when I am tired and cranky. Just have to find that balance until my stamina returns.
First things first…the important information…I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!!! In all caps – just in case you questioned how excited I am. Tuesday, April 27th was my last radiation treatment!!!! I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st just to see how I am doing off of the radiation. I can not tell you how excited I am to not have to be strapped down to a table by my head and lay there while large amounts of radiation are shot to my neck. Doesn’t sound so appealing does it???
They let me keep my radiation mask…I think it is only fitting that I have a little destroying ceremony. So at the Relay for Life, June 18th-19th everyone on the team will get to help cut up the mask into itty bitty pieces…and each piece destroyed will represent the cancer that was destroyed!!!
On Thursday, May 13th I had a follow up with my hem-onc doctor, Dr. Gareis. They checked my port and took blood. My port is still functioning well; which is good since I will need to keep it for at least another 4 months. Dr. Gareis is very pleased with how my levels are coming up since radiation. I will go back to see her on July 8th and we will schedule my first post treatment PET scan. This scan will be the base scan of which the one following it (3-4 months) will be compared to. It will be at this time they will determine if I am cancer free or if more chemo is necessary. I think we all know what outcome I am praying for!!!! Dr. Gareis told me to not worry about the next couple of months and to live my life as though there is no cancer. That is the plan!!! I wasn’t going to celebrate being cancer free until I got that PET scan, but I don’t think I can wait that long to celebrate the big accomplishment I have already made!!! Party to come soon.
So since radiation is over I am trying to get back to life pre-cancer. Or at least what will be the new normal. As far as work – my doctor wanted me to ease back into full days for the Month of May and by June I will be back to 40 hours a week. The fatigue is the biggest battle right now. I am pretty good at ignoring pain and fatigue…but this type of fatigue only gets ignored for so long. I can’t wait for the days of leaving work, heading to the gym, and then home for dinner and household chores. I have been averaging 1-2 days at the gym per week. Last week I played five innings of softball!! All in good time is what I keep telling myself. This past week I could feel my energy level draining day by day. By Saturday I was beat and still had the weekend to get through. I made it through. And I would like to apologize to Doug for being so cranky…I will admit that when I get that tired – I am not a nice person to be around.
I’m trying really hard to grow the little peach fuzz on the top of my head. I can not wait to not have to wear this wig to work anymore. When I am at home or friends I let the peach fuzz free; out in public I wear a hat; and playing sports or at the gym I wear a bandana. Yesterday I was at Target and was completely stunned by a woman who came up to me and said “I like your hair style. It’s very cool (temperature) for this weather. I am going to get mine done like that.” I was completely stunned – I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t until she walked away that I processed it. I mean really?!?! What should I have said – “thank you” or should I have totally stunned her back and said “yeah you should never let chemo be your hair stylist.” Crazy!!! I was wearing a hat and when I have a hat on it is clear there is no hair there!!! Oh well.
So that’s pretty much it for now – just living life post cancer treatments. And trying really hard not to tick Doug off too much when I am tired and cranky. Just have to find that balance until my stamina returns.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
So close...yet so far away...
So close – yet so far away…that is what I feel like right now!!! Sunday during my tennis practice I started losing my voice; which is very hard when you’re the coach!! Sunday night I felt worse, my throat was very sore and I was so fatigued. Monday I woke up running a fever. I stayed home from work and had my mom drive me to radiation. Now anyone who knows me knows I have to be feeling pretty damn bad to ask for help. I told the radiation techs how I was feeling and they had me see the doctor after treatment. Dr. Milito told me that I needed to be off and resting for the next couple of days.
Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.
So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.
Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!
Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.
So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.
Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This day five years ago
*Written yesterday - April 17th - but fell asleep before posting...
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Good news!!
Hi there!! Just thought I would pop in and give a little update…and let me tell you, good things come in little packages…
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Momma said there will days like these...
So let me start this post by saying I am not writing this for pity or sorrow…I just am feeling a little down. With this cancer crap – you will have days like this…I guess these are mine. This blog is my outlet for dealing with the cancer and documenting what I am going through – believe me, I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Glow bug treatments have begun...
So I found out last weekend that more people than I ever thought are actually reading this thing! Hello ladies!! With that being said, I really should update more often. But you know what they say…no news is good news.
I started radiation this week. Oh boy – this is a tough one!!! I am pretty claustrophobic and have a hard time being restrained…both of which are being put to the test with this part of the “cancer ass kicking” treatments. I could explain what exactly they do, but instead I will show you. Below is what I will be doing everyday for the next 7 weeks at 3:30. I gotta tell you – I think I would rather be sitting at my desk at work!!! I am working very hard to go to my “happy place” when they strap me down by my head. Today I did pretty well; but my goal is to not freak out inside when they first strap me down. It is easier to just be in my happy place first rather than having to talk myself out of hell first. I found out today that I will not have 25 treatments as originally thought...no, no I will have 33 treatments!!! Crazy!!! Doug is going to be able to use me as a night light!!!
I am feeling pretty good right now. I have some fatigue – but I have already succumbed to the fact that that will be around throughout the treatment. I coach Special Olympics Tennis and that started back up for the season on Sunday. It is great to see my athletes and to be back out on the court again. I also joined the co-ed softball team that D played on last year. I know this might seem a little over zealous – but I have never been one to sit around. Even if I can’t play all the time – just being able to play once in a while will be awesome. If I don’t try, I will never know…
I started radiation this week. Oh boy – this is a tough one!!! I am pretty claustrophobic and have a hard time being restrained…both of which are being put to the test with this part of the “cancer ass kicking” treatments. I could explain what exactly they do, but instead I will show you. Below is what I will be doing everyday for the next 7 weeks at 3:30. I gotta tell you – I think I would rather be sitting at my desk at work!!! I am working very hard to go to my “happy place” when they strap me down by my head. Today I did pretty well; but my goal is to not freak out inside when they first strap me down. It is easier to just be in my happy place first rather than having to talk myself out of hell first. I found out today that I will not have 25 treatments as originally thought...no, no I will have 33 treatments!!! Crazy!!! Doug is going to be able to use me as a night light!!!
The mask is so tight that when they take it off, my face has the waffle print on it!!!
I am feeling pretty good right now. I have some fatigue – but I have already succumbed to the fact that that will be around throughout the treatment. I coach Special Olympics Tennis and that started back up for the season on Sunday. It is great to see my athletes and to be back out on the court again. I also joined the co-ed softball team that D played on last year. I know this might seem a little over zealous – but I have never been one to sit around. Even if I can’t play all the time – just being able to play once in a while will be awesome. If I don’t try, I will never know…
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