So close – yet so far away…that is what I feel like right now!!! Sunday during my tennis practice I started losing my voice; which is very hard when you’re the coach!! Sunday night I felt worse, my throat was very sore and I was so fatigued. Monday I woke up running a fever. I stayed home from work and had my mom drive me to radiation. Now anyone who knows me knows I have to be feeling pretty damn bad to ask for help. I told the radiation techs how I was feeling and they had me see the doctor after treatment. Dr. Milito told me that I needed to be off and resting for the next couple of days.
Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.
So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.
Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This day five years ago
*Written yesterday - April 17th - but fell asleep before posting...
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Good news!!
Hi there!! Just thought I would pop in and give a little update…and let me tell you, good things come in little packages…
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Momma said there will days like these...
So let me start this post by saying I am not writing this for pity or sorrow…I just am feeling a little down. With this cancer crap – you will have days like this…I guess these are mine. This blog is my outlet for dealing with the cancer and documenting what I am going through – believe me, I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
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