Still here & still kicking!!!

I know it has been a while since I have posted…I’m sorry. I am fine really. I had my second round of chemo on February 5th. Things have been going ok since then. I still get sick when I try to eat certain foods. My diet has mainly consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches, eggs, and pancakes (don’t ask me, but the Bisquick Low Fat Pancake mix seems to work for me). I can’t do milk, which kills me, because I love milk!! I have been very shy to try any pasta for fear of the sauce. And I am pretty sure my blood stream has now been replaced with diet ginger ale. But all and all I am ok with the food situation because I know that this too shall pass. And besides when all of this chemo and radiation crap is over with – I am getting the biggest order of sushi!!!!

As I type this I can feel the neuropathy starting in my finger tips. I knew it was a side effect, but I hadn’t been affected until now. The little stubbles that were on my head from shaving it are few and far between. And my eyebrows are starting to fall out/off. It still amazes me how your body changes from the chemo. I look at my face and can’t believe how “tired” I look. I read on the ACS’s website that chemo patients should replace their makeup with new once they start chemo – something with getting rid of the old germs. So I went to Ulta this past Sunday and asked the girl at the Bare Escentuals counter to help me pick out some new eye makeup that would make me look less dead. She did an awesome job, and I purchased a new eye shadow and mascara. I figured I would try to get people to notice my eyes before they notice the scarf on my head. The scale says I have only lost 5 pounds, but most of my clothes are swimming on me, especially my pants. I am hoping that the small weight loss means I have lost fat and not muscle. I worked very, very hard to get that muscle built up!!!

Every day I am more amazed at how overwhelming generous people have been. I have always known that the friends and family that I have in my life are awesome – otherwise they wouldn’t be here. But I am so grateful for how wonderful they have all been. I was going to list everything here, but it would take me a couple hours to do that, and I am sure you guys don’t want to read a post that long. But my friends & family have brought me some of the nicest things, from meals, flowers, scarves, blankets, and beautiful crocheted items, the outpouring from people has made me cry several times. And the cards!!! Oh my, the cards!! I get cards from people a couple times a week. Again – I can not convey just how grateful I am to have everyone in my life. With that said…if you are reading this and thinking “crap – I haven’t sent or made her anything – I guess I should”, please know that as I am grateful for what I have received, but I in no way expect anything. Heck just knowing that the people who are reading this blog are interested enough in me to see how I am doing means the world to me.

I am trying very, very hard to remain as “normal” as possible throughout this whole thing. I look at my health a lot differently than other people do. I actually hate my health – or lack there of. It pisses me off to no end that every time I get “better” from one thing, I get knocked on my ass with another. That is why I try to remain life as normal every time I get sick. It is more of a “screw you” to the universe. Mentally I am so strong and ready to take on anything, but it seems like my body fights me. Right now I want nothing more than to get off work and go to the gym. But instead, I get off work early now because I can’t make it through a whole day, I go home and I take a nap until D gets home. Last week was not very nice; I had a really bad chest cold that knocked me down. I believe I was asleep more than I was awake. This week I want so bad to go to the gym. I am so tired of being told that I really need to rest. I just want to scream “Just because I have cancer, doesn’t mean I’m dead!!!!!” I have never been the type to just stop life for anything. I feel like some people feel that because I have cancer that I should just sit around. Well just kill me now, because that is not the life I want to live. I know I have always been stubborn and will test my limits to the max, but if I don’t try – how will I know!!!!

So that’s been what is happening…not much. The next round of chemo is on February 26th. That will hopefully be the last one and then I move on to radiation, but I have to meet with the radiation doctor first.

No more hair...

Last night I had D shave my head. As I stated before, I woke up on Thursday, January 28th and found my hair starting to fall out. Well it didn’t take long – by Sunday I had bald spots and was wearing a hat or scarf. It was so thin and looked terrible.

I stood in the bathroom feeling completely open and vulnerable as I felt the clippers taking away the one thing I had always liked about myself. I cried the whole time D cut. I kept my eyes closed as I was afraid to look in the mirror. When it was all said and done I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror…and screamed!!! The person looking back at me, was not me, it was some sickly looking girl with mascara smeared from the tears. D grabbed me and hugged me; I could see and hear his tears. He felt so sorry for me. And although I am not usually the type, I felt sorry for myself.

It is very hard to look in the mirror right now, as I am sure it will be for some time. I feel much, much more comfortable with a head covering on, whether it is a scarf or a hat. Plus my head is so cold and my scalp is so tender to touch. The stubble that is left on my head is falling out, but it is easier to see that than clumps of long hair.

We had gone shopping on Sunday for some new clothes for D and me some scarves. I am amazed how hard it is to find silk scarves. I came home from the Gettysburg Outlets, Capital City Mall, and Target with just two scarves!!! I have looked online for some. But I think tonight I am going to stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics and see if I can just buy some fabric in the same square size as the scarves I bought and put a hem around. I think this will be a cheaper alternative. Plus I can pick fabric I like and that will match my wardrobe.

On Saturday, my friend Jess and I took a trip to Fleetwood (outside of Reading) to meet a very, very nice lady who sells wigs. What a surreal experience that was. I never thought I would be sitting in a chair at my age getting wigs tried on me. After some doozies, I believe I found a good match. The color is almost the exact same as my natural color and the style looks to be my style. “The Wig Lady” (that’s the name of her business), Faye, had the color wig I wanted but not the style. I picked the style out of a book. I wear or wore my hair straight and parted to the left. Some wigs do not part, and are fluffy on top. I can tell you with certainty that I am not a fluffy hair kind of girl. Faye tried one wig on me that made me look like C.C. DaVille, no joke!! So anyway – the type of wig I got is a monofilament wig – which means it looks like a real scalp, it can be parted, and is a flat style. I like flat!! I am hoping to be able to pick it up next week.

Other than the hair loss – I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t go to the gym last night because…well, I just didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am hoping to get there tonight, even if it is only to do a little bit – at least it will be something!!!