I know it has been a while since I have posted…I’m sorry. I am fine really. I had my second round of chemo on February 5th. Things have been going ok since then. I still get sick when I try to eat certain foods. My diet has mainly consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches, eggs, and pancakes (don’t ask me, but the Bisquick Low Fat Pancake mix seems to work for me). I can’t do milk, which kills me, because I love milk!! I have been very shy to try any pasta for fear of the sauce. And I am pretty sure my blood stream has now been replaced with diet ginger ale. But all and all I am ok with the food situation because I know that this too shall pass. And besides when all of this chemo and radiation crap is over with – I am getting the biggest order of sushi!!!!
As I type this I can feel the neuropathy starting in my finger tips. I knew it was a side effect, but I hadn’t been affected until now. The little stubbles that were on my head from shaving it are few and far between. And my eyebrows are starting to fall out/off. It still amazes me how your body changes from the chemo. I look at my face and can’t believe how “tired” I look. I read on the ACS’s website that chemo patients should replace their makeup with new once they start chemo – something with getting rid of the old germs. So I went to Ulta this past Sunday and asked the girl at the Bare Escentuals counter to help me pick out some new eye makeup that would make me look less dead. She did an awesome job, and I purchased a new eye shadow and mascara. I figured I would try to get people to notice my eyes before they notice the scarf on my head. The scale says I have only lost 5 pounds, but most of my clothes are swimming on me, especially my pants. I am hoping that the small weight loss means I have lost fat and not muscle. I worked very, very hard to get that muscle built up!!!
Every day I am more amazed at how overwhelming generous people have been. I have always known that the friends and family that I have in my life are awesome – otherwise they wouldn’t be here. But I am so grateful for how wonderful they have all been. I was going to list everything here, but it would take me a couple hours to do that, and I am sure you guys don’t want to read a post that long. But my friends & family have brought me some of the nicest things, from meals, flowers, scarves, blankets, and beautiful crocheted items, the outpouring from people has made me cry several times. And the cards!!! Oh my, the cards!! I get cards from people a couple times a week. Again – I can not convey just how grateful I am to have everyone in my life. With that said…if you are reading this and thinking “crap – I haven’t sent or made her anything – I guess I should”, please know that as I am grateful for what I have received, but I in no way expect anything. Heck just knowing that the people who are reading this blog are interested enough in me to see how I am doing means the world to me.
I am trying very, very hard to remain as “normal” as possible throughout this whole thing. I look at my health a lot differently than other people do. I actually hate my health – or lack there of. It pisses me off to no end that every time I get “better” from one thing, I get knocked on my ass with another. That is why I try to remain life as normal every time I get sick. It is more of a “screw you” to the universe. Mentally I am so strong and ready to take on anything, but it seems like my body fights me. Right now I want nothing more than to get off work and go to the gym. But instead, I get off work early now because I can’t make it through a whole day, I go home and I take a nap until D gets home. Last week was not very nice; I had a really bad chest cold that knocked me down. I believe I was asleep more than I was awake. This week I want so bad to go to the gym. I am so tired of being told that I really need to rest. I just want to scream “Just because I have cancer, doesn’t mean I’m dead!!!!!” I have never been the type to just stop life for anything. I feel like some people feel that because I have cancer that I should just sit around. Well just kill me now, because that is not the life I want to live. I know I have always been stubborn and will test my limits to the max, but if I don’t try – how will I know!!!!
So that’s been what is happening…not much. The next round of chemo is on February 26th. That will hopefully be the last one and then I move on to radiation, but I have to meet with the radiation doctor first.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
No more hair...
Last night I had D shave my head. As I stated before, I woke up on Thursday, January 28th and found my hair starting to fall out. Well it didn’t take long – by Sunday I had bald spots and was wearing a hat or scarf. It was so thin and looked terrible.
I stood in the bathroom feeling completely open and vulnerable as I felt the clippers taking away the one thing I had always liked about myself. I cried the whole time D cut. I kept my eyes closed as I was afraid to look in the mirror. When it was all said and done I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror…and screamed!!! The person looking back at me, was not me, it was some sickly looking girl with mascara smeared from the tears. D grabbed me and hugged me; I could see and hear his tears. He felt so sorry for me. And although I am not usually the type, I felt sorry for myself.
It is very hard to look in the mirror right now, as I am sure it will be for some time. I feel much, much more comfortable with a head covering on, whether it is a scarf or a hat. Plus my head is so cold and my scalp is so tender to touch. The stubble that is left on my head is falling out, but it is easier to see that than clumps of long hair.
We had gone shopping on Sunday for some new clothes for D and me some scarves. I am amazed how hard it is to find silk scarves. I came home from the Gettysburg Outlets, Capital City Mall, and Target with just two scarves!!! I have looked online for some. But I think tonight I am going to stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics and see if I can just buy some fabric in the same square size as the scarves I bought and put a hem around. I think this will be a cheaper alternative. Plus I can pick fabric I like and that will match my wardrobe.
On Saturday, my friend Jess and I took a trip to Fleetwood (outside of Reading) to meet a very, very nice lady who sells wigs. What a surreal experience that was. I never thought I would be sitting in a chair at my age getting wigs tried on me. After some doozies, I believe I found a good match. The color is almost the exact same as my natural color and the style looks to be my style. “The Wig Lady” (that’s the name of her business), Faye, had the color wig I wanted but not the style. I picked the style out of a book. I wear or wore my hair straight and parted to the left. Some wigs do not part, and are fluffy on top. I can tell you with certainty that I am not a fluffy hair kind of girl. Faye tried one wig on me that made me look like C.C. DaVille, no joke!! So anyway – the type of wig I got is a monofilament wig – which means it looks like a real scalp, it can be parted, and is a flat style. I like flat!! I am hoping to be able to pick it up next week.
Other than the hair loss – I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t go to the gym last night because…well, I just didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am hoping to get there tonight, even if it is only to do a little bit – at least it will be something!!!
I stood in the bathroom feeling completely open and vulnerable as I felt the clippers taking away the one thing I had always liked about myself. I cried the whole time D cut. I kept my eyes closed as I was afraid to look in the mirror. When it was all said and done I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror…and screamed!!! The person looking back at me, was not me, it was some sickly looking girl with mascara smeared from the tears. D grabbed me and hugged me; I could see and hear his tears. He felt so sorry for me. And although I am not usually the type, I felt sorry for myself.
It is very hard to look in the mirror right now, as I am sure it will be for some time. I feel much, much more comfortable with a head covering on, whether it is a scarf or a hat. Plus my head is so cold and my scalp is so tender to touch. The stubble that is left on my head is falling out, but it is easier to see that than clumps of long hair.
We had gone shopping on Sunday for some new clothes for D and me some scarves. I am amazed how hard it is to find silk scarves. I came home from the Gettysburg Outlets, Capital City Mall, and Target with just two scarves!!! I have looked online for some. But I think tonight I am going to stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics and see if I can just buy some fabric in the same square size as the scarves I bought and put a hem around. I think this will be a cheaper alternative. Plus I can pick fabric I like and that will match my wardrobe.
On Saturday, my friend Jess and I took a trip to Fleetwood (outside of Reading) to meet a very, very nice lady who sells wigs. What a surreal experience that was. I never thought I would be sitting in a chair at my age getting wigs tried on me. After some doozies, I believe I found a good match. The color is almost the exact same as my natural color and the style looks to be my style. “The Wig Lady” (that’s the name of her business), Faye, had the color wig I wanted but not the style. I picked the style out of a book. I wear or wore my hair straight and parted to the left. Some wigs do not part, and are fluffy on top. I can tell you with certainty that I am not a fluffy hair kind of girl. Faye tried one wig on me that made me look like C.C. DaVille, no joke!! So anyway – the type of wig I got is a monofilament wig – which means it looks like a real scalp, it can be parted, and is a flat style. I like flat!! I am hoping to be able to pick it up next week.
Other than the hair loss – I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t go to the gym last night because…well, I just didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am hoping to get there tonight, even if it is only to do a little bit – at least it will be something!!!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Quick Update
Hello peeps!!! Sorry for the lack of posts, I promise I will try to get better at this updating thing. The funny thing is, it feels kind of weird to update people or talk about me, all I have ever thought is “like people really care”. But I know that people really DO care – just weird to write about myself you know.
All and all I can’t really complain. Each day is different. There are days where I am very nauseous and days where I feel pretty good. Eating has been a challenge. I feel like every day is an experiment. There are some days where all I can eat are bagels and then other days I seem to do ok with more normal foods. I don’t really like going out to eat anymore though – I just feel like it is a waste of money.
Last Thursday, the 21st was the worst day I have had. I woke up nauseous, dizzy, and felt like a Mac Truck had ran me down. I tried to suck it up and drove into work. But by the time I got to my office I felt worse. I called my chemo nurse and explained everything. She said she wanted me to be seen. Because I was getting hot and then cold, she said that my white blood cell count could be low. Sure enough – it was quite low. So I earned myself four hours at the clinic getting IV meds. Fortunately this Monday, the 25th, when I went in for lab work, my counts were coming back up nicely. I was very happy with that; other wise I would have ended up in the hospital. No thank you!!!
Fatigue is something that I was not expecting. I had plans to carry on life as normal on days when I didn’t have chemo. My body has said other wise. As silly as it sounds, I would much rather deal with the nausea than to feel so tired. I talked to my cousin, Kim, who is a breast cancer survivor to see how she dealt with it. She told me that the fatigue is normal and it will play a big factor in my life for a while. What a hard pill to swallow. Before all of this I was the person who went to the gym at least 5 days a week. Now – I am having trouble even making it there. I went on Tuesday. I made it a mere 18 minutes on the elliptical before I found myself puking my guts out in the bathroom. I will keep on attempting this until I can do it!!!
I have also talked to my boss about having a modified work schedule. I have proposed working 8-3 everyday with a half hour lunch. He said he is willing to let me have a modified schedule but he needed to think about what it would be. I have not heard anything back yet. It was very hard for me to ask for that. I have not had the best luck with my health in my life. And although my work gets done, my time at work has suffered…and now here I am saying “well, something else is now wrong with me…” I hate to show that weakness!!!
Today is a sad day for me. I woke up this morning to find that my hair is starting to fall out. Now, I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it; but I don’t think anything prepares you for holding handfuls of your hair in your hands. I suspect that over the next few days it will get very thin and I will make that call to my hair stylist to have my head shaved. I keep on joking that it is a good thing I look cute in hats!
Thanks to my awesome friend, Jess, I will be heading to Reading on Saturday to look at getting a wig. I still am not sure if I want a wig, but it doesn’t hurt to meet with someone and look.
So that is what is up. I am still here and I am still fighting!!!! I may have off days – but this fucking cancer will not win!!!!!
All and all I can’t really complain. Each day is different. There are days where I am very nauseous and days where I feel pretty good. Eating has been a challenge. I feel like every day is an experiment. There are some days where all I can eat are bagels and then other days I seem to do ok with more normal foods. I don’t really like going out to eat anymore though – I just feel like it is a waste of money.
Last Thursday, the 21st was the worst day I have had. I woke up nauseous, dizzy, and felt like a Mac Truck had ran me down. I tried to suck it up and drove into work. But by the time I got to my office I felt worse. I called my chemo nurse and explained everything. She said she wanted me to be seen. Because I was getting hot and then cold, she said that my white blood cell count could be low. Sure enough – it was quite low. So I earned myself four hours at the clinic getting IV meds. Fortunately this Monday, the 25th, when I went in for lab work, my counts were coming back up nicely. I was very happy with that; other wise I would have ended up in the hospital. No thank you!!!
Fatigue is something that I was not expecting. I had plans to carry on life as normal on days when I didn’t have chemo. My body has said other wise. As silly as it sounds, I would much rather deal with the nausea than to feel so tired. I talked to my cousin, Kim, who is a breast cancer survivor to see how she dealt with it. She told me that the fatigue is normal and it will play a big factor in my life for a while. What a hard pill to swallow. Before all of this I was the person who went to the gym at least 5 days a week. Now – I am having trouble even making it there. I went on Tuesday. I made it a mere 18 minutes on the elliptical before I found myself puking my guts out in the bathroom. I will keep on attempting this until I can do it!!!
I have also talked to my boss about having a modified work schedule. I have proposed working 8-3 everyday with a half hour lunch. He said he is willing to let me have a modified schedule but he needed to think about what it would be. I have not heard anything back yet. It was very hard for me to ask for that. I have not had the best luck with my health in my life. And although my work gets done, my time at work has suffered…and now here I am saying “well, something else is now wrong with me…” I hate to show that weakness!!!
Today is a sad day for me. I woke up this morning to find that my hair is starting to fall out. Now, I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it; but I don’t think anything prepares you for holding handfuls of your hair in your hands. I suspect that over the next few days it will get very thin and I will make that call to my hair stylist to have my head shaved. I keep on joking that it is a good thing I look cute in hats!
Thanks to my awesome friend, Jess, I will be heading to Reading on Saturday to look at getting a wig. I still am not sure if I want a wig, but it doesn’t hurt to meet with someone and look.
So that is what is up. I am still here and I am still fighting!!!! I may have off days – but this fucking cancer will not win!!!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Chemo 5 Days out...
So today it has been 5 days since I received my first R-CHOP chemo treatment. I feel pretty good. The weekend was a little shaky. Saturday I felt pretty good up until the evening. By the evening it felt like I was "getting something"...you know how you feel before a cold sets in. I really didn't eat all weekend. I found pieces of bagels seemed to be ok. My appetite is coming back slowly, but I still can only eat small amounts.
My biggest "complaint" is the tiredness. I don't know how to explain it, other than I just feel drained. I went to the doctor on Monday, because my mouth was so sore. Turns out it is a side effect from the chemo. Good Lord, this chemo crap has a lot of side effects!!! Anyway...when I was at the doctor's I expressed just how tired I was feeling. I wasn't expecting it to hit me so fast, but she assured me that this is all very normal. I wish I was able to take naps mid way through my work day...I feel like that would really help, but alas...
Yesterday I had a small breakdown. I really wanted to go to the gym, but was so tired I fell asleep before I could get my gym clothes on. Work was pretty bad. My job can sometimes be pretty stressful, especially with year end / year begin. Take that normal stress and add my new life stress and it just compounded. I am so lucky to have Douglas...I came home, I vented, I cried and was my rock! He is so wonderful that it makes me sad sometimes to think that he got the fuzzy end of the stick in the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
Today was a much better day - I really worked hard to remain focused at work and got a lot accomplished. And I was able to go to the gym this evening. I only did a half hour on the elliptical and some abs...but it was something, and that is all I really wanted. I started to get nauseous while I was doing my ab workout and I...are you ready for this, you're not going to believe it...I STOPPED!!! I know, I know, try and contain yourselves!! Now you all know that I am the person who fights through pretty much anything, but this time it's different. This time it's my life I don't want to jeopardize anything in the fight to get it back to where it was. It's a whole new leaf for me...I will listen to my body!!!
A friend asked me today how I was doing "it"...how I was keeping it all together. I told her that I have my moments of weakness and that my outlook on life has changed....I take things one day at a time!!!
My biggest "complaint" is the tiredness. I don't know how to explain it, other than I just feel drained. I went to the doctor on Monday, because my mouth was so sore. Turns out it is a side effect from the chemo. Good Lord, this chemo crap has a lot of side effects!!! Anyway...when I was at the doctor's I expressed just how tired I was feeling. I wasn't expecting it to hit me so fast, but she assured me that this is all very normal. I wish I was able to take naps mid way through my work day...I feel like that would really help, but alas...
Yesterday I had a small breakdown. I really wanted to go to the gym, but was so tired I fell asleep before I could get my gym clothes on. Work was pretty bad. My job can sometimes be pretty stressful, especially with year end / year begin. Take that normal stress and add my new life stress and it just compounded. I am so lucky to have Douglas...I came home, I vented, I cried and was my rock! He is so wonderful that it makes me sad sometimes to think that he got the fuzzy end of the stick in the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
Today was a much better day - I really worked hard to remain focused at work and got a lot accomplished. And I was able to go to the gym this evening. I only did a half hour on the elliptical and some abs...but it was something, and that is all I really wanted. I started to get nauseous while I was doing my ab workout and I...are you ready for this, you're not going to believe it...I STOPPED!!! I know, I know, try and contain yourselves!! Now you all know that I am the person who fights through pretty much anything, but this time it's different. This time it's my life I don't want to jeopardize anything in the fight to get it back to where it was. It's a whole new leaf for me...I will listen to my body!!!
A friend asked me today how I was doing "it"...how I was keeping it all together. I told her that I have my moments of weakness and that my outlook on life has changed....I take things one day at a time!!!
Friday, January 15, 2010
First R-CHOP treatment done!!!
Today I had the second half of my first chemo treatment. This was the Rituxan (the R part of R-CHOP). This is the medication that has a lot of precautionary measures taken before it is administered. I arrived at the clinic at 7:40 this morning. My chemo nurse, Renee (I know, what are the odds) gave me Tylenol & Benadryl first thing. These two medicines are to help with any possible side effects such as fever and/or itching and rash. After twenty minutes she started the Rituxan. This medicine is given very slowly for the first time; one drip every five seconds, then two drips every fives seconds, continuing until it reaches eight drips every five seconds. I did well up until the three drips per five seconds. I had fallen asleep and when I woke up my ears were itching inside and out and my neck was closing up. My nurse just happened to be coming back to up the dose when I discovered all of this. Before I could get out that my throat was closing, she raised her voice and said "oh my, you're having a reaction" and pulled the connection, rushed out of the room and grabbed a bag of steroids and a syringe of Benadryl. I could hear her yelling for someone to get a doctor. Can you say scary!!!! She ran the medications through and we started the Rituxan over again, from the beginning. When it got back up to three drops per five seconds, my throat started to get a little scratchy again and the redness on my neck was back. But I asked that we just forge through and monitor everything. As it was, the symptoms went away eventually. And I finished my chemo at 3pm!!!! What a long day!!!
I had a private room today. It had two Lazy Boys and a television. It was very sunny & bright, which was so nice. Doug started out the day with me. When I had the reaction we knew I wouldn't be getting out of there anytime soon and Doug needed to get to work (he just started his new job on Monday). So mom came in to be with me around 11:30. I took some pictures of her today, but I am pretty sure she would beat me if I put them up.
So that's done - the first treatment is out of the way. Now I wait for the hair to start falling out...but bald is beautiful right???
Now I am sitting and resting. I ache all over and am very cold. The taste of food has already started to change...gotta love the chemo diet. Hopefully I will wake up and feel pretty good. I really would like to go to the gym this weekend!!!!
I had a private room today. It had two Lazy Boys and a television. It was very sunny & bright, which was so nice. Doug started out the day with me. When I had the reaction we knew I wouldn't be getting out of there anytime soon and Doug needed to get to work (he just started his new job on Monday). So mom came in to be with me around 11:30. I took some pictures of her today, but I am pretty sure she would beat me if I put them up.
Doug made the most of his time there and worked on a website
With all of the Benadryl today - I was pretty sleepy and slept through most of the treatment.
Now I am sitting and resting. I ache all over and am very cold. The taste of food has already started to change...gotta love the chemo diet. Hopefully I will wake up and feel pretty good. I really would like to go to the gym this weekend!!!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
1st day done...
Today was my first day of chemo. As I stated before my first round of chemo is being divided between two days as it takes so long for the first time. Today I received the CHOP part of the R-CHOP. It went well. In fact it didn't seem like I was getting chemo...Doug & I laughed and joked around. I read, did some word puzzles, and joked around some more. When it was done we went to get Doug's hair cut. All I kept thinking was 'wow, chemo gets a bad rap - I feel fine'. HA!!! About 5:30 I started feeling a little queasy and got really tired. I tried to lie down, but couldn't sleep, and I hate lying idle if I can't sleep, so I got back up.
Thursday night are my friend and my night to have dinner, hang out, and catch up for the week. I didn't want to miss that. I knew he would come over to the house and hang if I really didn't want to go anywhere. But the truth is, I need to still live, and I wanted to go out to dinner. The queasiness was still minimal at this point. And I really enjoyed the dinner and conversation, not only because we always do it but also it was just nice to not think too much about everything.
Tonight around 9:30 the queasiness became a little less minimal and a little more annoying. I feel pretty sick to my stomach right now. I can not even imagine what I would feel like if they had not given me three different anti-nausea medicines!
I'm calling it a night...second half of chemo starts tomorrow morning at 7:40am!!
Thursday night are my friend and my night to have dinner, hang out, and catch up for the week. I didn't want to miss that. I knew he would come over to the house and hang if I really didn't want to go anywhere. But the truth is, I need to still live, and I wanted to go out to dinner. The queasiness was still minimal at this point. And I really enjoyed the dinner and conversation, not only because we always do it but also it was just nice to not think too much about everything.
Tonight around 9:30 the queasiness became a little less minimal and a little more annoying. I feel pretty sick to my stomach right now. I can not even imagine what I would feel like if they had not given me three different anti-nausea medicines!
I'm calling it a night...second half of chemo starts tomorrow morning at 7:40am!!
First day of chemo. And my new "chemo ready hair-do".
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Amazed & blessed...
Tonight feels like the calm before the storm. I had my medi-port placed on Monday and I start chemo tomorrow. I feel very anxious...I am ready to start whatever it takes to get better!!! For the last 29 days I have been counting down for this day. You can only talk about cancer and the plan of attack for so long and I am just ready to get on with it.
It's funny thing, cancer...it changes you. As I said I am only 29 days diagnosed and I already can tell changes in myself. I am normally a pretty high strung person (ask anyone) and I tend to worry about everything and everyone. Now I seem more laid back (at least I think)...things that bothered me before December 15th really haven't bothered me much. In the grand scheme of things some things just aren't important. I even feel stronger mentally. Before when I would get Bronchitis or a Sinus Infection I would let it make me sedentary, now I think a cough or a runny nose are the least of my worries. :-) I don't how to explain it - but I feel different.
I am so blessed!!! I have so many people who are praying and thinking of me. It's funny I have always thought that I wasn't in enough dire need to be on a prayer list and even with cancer I still kind of feel that way. I always look at it this way, 'no matter what is dealt to me...there is always someone else who is dealing with more'. Anyway - I feel so blessed that people think so highly of me to reach out to me and/or pray for me. It all seems different...I usually care for people and now the roles are reversed. Knowing I have the support of so many, makes me feel so calm and at ease when dealing with everything.
T-minus 14 1/2 hours until the first half of my first chemo!!! Let's kick cancer's ass!!!!
It's funny thing, cancer...it changes you. As I said I am only 29 days diagnosed and I already can tell changes in myself. I am normally a pretty high strung person (ask anyone) and I tend to worry about everything and everyone. Now I seem more laid back (at least I think)...things that bothered me before December 15th really haven't bothered me much. In the grand scheme of things some things just aren't important. I even feel stronger mentally. Before when I would get Bronchitis or a Sinus Infection I would let it make me sedentary, now I think a cough or a runny nose are the least of my worries. :-) I don't how to explain it - but I feel different.
I am so blessed!!! I have so many people who are praying and thinking of me. It's funny I have always thought that I wasn't in enough dire need to be on a prayer list and even with cancer I still kind of feel that way. I always look at it this way, 'no matter what is dealt to me...there is always someone else who is dealing with more'. Anyway - I feel so blessed that people think so highly of me to reach out to me and/or pray for me. It all seems different...I usually care for people and now the roles are reversed. Knowing I have the support of so many, makes me feel so calm and at ease when dealing with everything.
T-minus 14 1/2 hours until the first half of my first chemo!!! Let's kick cancer's ass!!!!
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