As many of you know I met with my hem-onc doctor today. As with all of my appointments with her I hold out high hopes that maybe just maybe this will be the appointment that I hear the words “you are cancer free”. Today was not that day…
The great news first…all of my blood counts are up!!! And for the first time none of them are in the red. I think This is wonderful – this is the day she is going to tell me that I and cancer free. So I say to her “All I want is to hear that “r” word.” She looks as me as though I just told a puppy to sit. I explain to her that I want that “remission”. I say “everyone else I know has gotten it why can’t I” – as though I am a pre-teen girl asking for the latest designer jeans. Here is how that conversation went…
Dr: Well, Renee “technically you can be considered in remission because you are not actively getting treatment.
Me: So I am cancer free??? (Glimmers of hope) What about the hot spots on the last Pet Scan??
Dr: Well…no you are not quite cancer free. The next Pet Scan will helps us with that.
Me: Oh – I see, and when can I have that done.
Dr: Well (she says well A LOT), you just had the one in November so it will have to be March.
Me: (Not said out loud, but thinking) MARCH – REALLY – MARCH!!!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me!!!! I hate this limbo shit!!!
Dr: (Obvious that even though I didn’t say anything – my body language did) Renee – you really need to stop living in fear of the cancer and just live normally.
Me: I am…I keep very active I am trying new things like skiing… but I trail off and stop talking then say thank you for the appointment.
So…live normally huh?!?! I thought that was what I have been doing for the last year
That I have been dealing with all of this. I am trying to live normal…I go to gym or workout at home, I have started taking classes, I am learning new things, and on the job hunt. However, sometimes it is hard to feel “normal” when I go to gym and do what is an average workout and hear “are you alright, you look absolutely exhausted” or every day when I take my clothes off there is this large port sticking out of my chest. These stupid little reminders drive me crazy.
To sum it up – I could technically be in remission, but I am not cancer free and I will not know until March…March 3rd to be exact – that is the Pet Scan. Yes – I know I could have just said this sentence at the beginning, but what fun would that be.
Oh and since I have you all tuned in…please hit me up if you want a friend to pal around with or are going to do some really cool outdoor activity. I haven’t had a lot of friend interaction lately – I think it is starting to show…I have been a little grumpy to poor D and he doesn’t deserve that!
Love you all!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
One Year...
One year ago today – my life changed forever!!! At 3:30 pm on this day last year I received the call that made me look at and live life a little differently – but then again, the words “you have cancer” have a way of doing that.
A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.
Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!
At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.
November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!
One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!
A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.
Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!
At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.
November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!
One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Quick update from Dr's appt
I just wanted to write a quick update from the doctor’s appointment I had today. The appointment was to go over the results of the CT scan from Tuesday. As the phone call from the doctor’s office had stated – there are no new masses. This is wonderful news!!!! So now I just need to pray and convince my body to keep the cancer where it is!! Dr. Gareis and I also talked more about the results from the PET scan in July. She showed me the report – and there it was in black and white – “high levels of abnormal activity in the left thyroid”. I know that the doctors have already told me this, but I just think the impact is so much greater in black and white. Yes the doctor’s told me there was still cancer, but truthfully in the back of mind I kept on thinking that maybe they read the report wrong. No such luck.
Dr Gareis then suggested having a needle biopsy done. I have had one of these in the past (back when the whole cancer possibility started). These are very nerve racking things!! No matter how “use to” needles I am – it is a little scary to have six or so needles shoved into my neck!!! I declined to have this biopsy done. And here is my reasoning behind it – confirmed by the doctor, there would not be any action taken from the results of the biopsy, it would simply be yet another test. No treatment action is going to take place until after the PET scan in November. My body is already worn out – why should I subject myself to yet another test.
We talked a little more about the tiredness and overall “not feeling well”. The doctor believes that it is a combination of the Lymphoma, the thyroid, and the stress. I told her that my biggest worry is that people (including myself) look at me and think that I should be able to do anything because I am currently not going through any treatments. The doctor said that this is normal and that it is going to take my body a while to come back to where it was.
My next appointment is the week after we return from Ireland. From there we will schedule the PET scan for the first week of November. Until then…living life. The doctor said that the trip will do me a world of good and will help me “escape” for a little.
We now tune back to our regularly happy self…sorry for the down time…
Dr Gareis then suggested having a needle biopsy done. I have had one of these in the past (back when the whole cancer possibility started). These are very nerve racking things!! No matter how “use to” needles I am – it is a little scary to have six or so needles shoved into my neck!!! I declined to have this biopsy done. And here is my reasoning behind it – confirmed by the doctor, there would not be any action taken from the results of the biopsy, it would simply be yet another test. No treatment action is going to take place until after the PET scan in November. My body is already worn out – why should I subject myself to yet another test.
We talked a little more about the tiredness and overall “not feeling well”. The doctor believes that it is a combination of the Lymphoma, the thyroid, and the stress. I told her that my biggest worry is that people (including myself) look at me and think that I should be able to do anything because I am currently not going through any treatments. The doctor said that this is normal and that it is going to take my body a while to come back to where it was.
My next appointment is the week after we return from Ireland. From there we will schedule the PET scan for the first week of November. Until then…living life. The doctor said that the trip will do me a world of good and will help me “escape” for a little.
We now tune back to our regularly happy self…sorry for the down time…
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Update & brutal honesty...
*Pre-read warning…the following was written on August 31st – before my appointment with Dr Gareis…to skip to the results…please scroll down to “Post Dr Visit”. I also will apologize to those of you who always say how strong I am…because this post shows that I have weak moments.
So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…
The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.
First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.
Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!
Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.
Post Dr. Appointment…
As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.
So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.
I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue. I need happy and upbeat!!!!
Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!
So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…
The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.
First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.
Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!
Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.
Post Dr. Appointment…
As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.
So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.
I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue. I need happy and upbeat!!!!
Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Quack!!
Quack!!! I am a sitting duck…or at least that is what I feel like. I met with the surgeon today. He looked at my vocal cords and voice box. He believes that they are fine and the abnormalities are a residual from the radiation and chemo. However – that still leaves the left thyroid that is showing “high levels of activity (cancer)”. He didn’t have the PET scan in front of him but said that there is no way they can remove the thyroid this close to post treatments. I said “but, the high levels of activity…I just want it gone” – but they are unable to do that. Don't get me wrong - I am very happy that the surgeon feels the abnormalities of the vocal chords and voice box are not cancerous. I'm very grateful that it is not spreading.
I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.
You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.
So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.
As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!
I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.
You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.
So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.
As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!
Friday, July 16, 2010
July 16th, 2010
July 16, 2010 – another date to go in the memory banks. I called the doctor’s office this morning to see if they had the results from my PET scan in. They did. The woman told me that the doctor was out of the office today, but she would put a call into them…I told her that I did not care who called me, a doctor, a PA, a nurse, or even a medical assistant, I just wanted to know the results. Well, that’s what I get for wanting to know so bad…a PA (physician’s assistant) returned my call. It seems that the cancer is as stubborn as I am!!! There is a lot of activity going on in the left thyroid (only one I have left). Which means the fucking cancer is not gone!!!! (Pardon my French – but it makes me mad).
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Small Update...
So I guess it’s been a while huh?? Well – I am still here, and I am still kicking (pretty hard actually). Let’s see since my last blog entry in May…
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
I also had the honor of being one of the speakers at this year’s Luminaria ceremony during Relay. At the ceremony four survivors read the meaning behind each letter in the word “Hope” I read for the letter “e”. I cannot even begin to tell you how nervous I was. My biggest fear was that I would break down and start crying half way through the ready. Not so – I actually made it through without shaking, tears shed or anything else. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Those who came out to support me and our team were just awesome. I had no idea the amount of support I had!!! Relay was such a blast!!! I can’t wait to do it again next year!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
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