As I mentioned in my post on April 27th – D had moved out and divorce was on the horizon.
Well that horizon came on May 23rd – as D filed for
divorce. Devastated could not even begin
to describe how I felt – even know I had a feeling since February that this
would be inevitable I had still held hope.
The certified papers only confirmed what I had thought was my worst fear. Fast forward one month and I can honestly say
I am in a much better place than I was in February from May.
I am not like most cancer survivors…well really, I am not
like most people; you see I was married at 19.
While I wanted that, it didn’t give me the opportunity to ever be on my
own. I moved from my parent’s house into
the apartment that I would share with my husband. While we shared the chores like cleaning and
laundry I am finding there were some things that I just never learned. One of my weaknesses is that I don’t really
know how to cook. Well, let me rephrase
that…if you want your meat done at one time, your veggies done at another, and
another side done later on…well then I am an excellent cook. This has probably been my most challenging
feat on my own. I am staying in the
house that we purchased – while it is nice to have something constant in my
world of change right now, this has brought along its own set of
challenges. My family and friends have
been so supportive in helping me out; you know when I have a straight up
breakdown at 9:30 at night because I can’t get the garage door to go down and
my father comes down to help me get it down for the night until the cable can
be repaired; followed by my Aunt and Cousin to pick up the pieces of me. Now don’t get me wrong, I have never shied
away from home repairs…but there are just some things that are beyond my knowledge. I am learning that it is OK to ask for help
and that people won’t think you are weak.
June 7th was my turning point, when I finally
came back out of my shell. I woke up
that morning extremely sad; sad that I was going to Special Olympics Summer
Games in Penn State alone (well not really alone, let me explain). My assistant coach and I had a falling out
during the off season of tennis and he decided not to return for this
season. So instead D said he will
help me coach. This was a relief because
I would be taking a male athlete up to the summer games and it is a lot easier
when there is a male coach to go along.
About two weeks before the games, D decided that he could not go. So when I woke up on June 7th, I
felt completely alone. But something
happened between my house and the IU building where I was meeting my athlete to
pick him up…I started to come back to life.
On my way to pick up my athlete I yelled at myself (hey don’t judge –
sometimes we all need to do this). I
told myself that this weekend was NOT about ME, it was about my athlete and all
of the other athletes that earned the right to go to games. I told myself that it was time to put the big
girl panties on and suck it up and deal.
And so I did. When my athlete got
in the car I asked him what music he liked…to which he responded
enthusiastically… “Praise and worship”.
My jaw hit the floor. I thought
to myself, ‘this is going to be a long hour and half drive to State College’,
for two reasons; one, I never really got in to that type of music and two, my
faith has definitely been pushed to the limits lately and while I want to get
it back, I am just not there yet. At any
rate I scanned the radio for such a station and found one. Now, while my faith has been in question, I
always have and always will believe that everything happens for a reason. For the rest of the drive I listened to the
words of the music and continued to give myself the pep talk I needed to face
the world as Renee – single.
When we arrived at Penn State, I was mentally prepared to
take on the weekend. And take it on I
did. Here is the thing about Special
Olympics Athletes – they have a way of making you feel good. The happiness that exudes is overwhelming and
you have no choice but to feel that way as well. Shannon and Kay (the directors of Area M) had
arranged for me to have a chaperon for my athlete; so I no longer had to worry
about getting him up and ready for competition.
We all had a blast that weekend and truthfully, I didn’t want it to
end. It is amazing to me how when we are
not looking for something and we think all is over and done – things change.
So since June 7th I have changed my outlook on
life – not just as a cancer survivor or a “divorcee” – but as a person in
general. I am no longer “surviving” my
life, I am living it. I am continuing my
therapy in helping me overcome the fear of the cancer, but at least now I am
doing something to help with the therapy rather than counteract it.
