Quack!!! I am a sitting duck…or at least that is what I feel like. I met with the surgeon today. He looked at my vocal cords and voice box. He believes that they are fine and the abnormalities are a residual from the radiation and chemo. However – that still leaves the left thyroid that is showing “high levels of activity (cancer)”. He didn’t have the PET scan in front of him but said that there is no way they can remove the thyroid this close to post treatments. I said “but, the high levels of activity…I just want it gone” – but they are unable to do that. Don't get me wrong - I am very happy that the surgeon feels the abnormalities of the vocal chords and voice box are not cancerous. I'm very grateful that it is not spreading.
I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.
You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.
So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.
As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
July 16th, 2010
July 16, 2010 – another date to go in the memory banks. I called the doctor’s office this morning to see if they had the results from my PET scan in. They did. The woman told me that the doctor was out of the office today, but she would put a call into them…I told her that I did not care who called me, a doctor, a PA, a nurse, or even a medical assistant, I just wanted to know the results. Well, that’s what I get for wanting to know so bad…a PA (physician’s assistant) returned my call. It seems that the cancer is as stubborn as I am!!! There is a lot of activity going on in the left thyroid (only one I have left). Which means the fucking cancer is not gone!!!! (Pardon my French – but it makes me mad).
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Small Update...
So I guess it’s been a while huh?? Well – I am still here, and I am still kicking (pretty hard actually). Let’s see since my last blog entry in May…
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
I also had the honor of being one of the speakers at this year’s Luminaria ceremony during Relay. At the ceremony four survivors read the meaning behind each letter in the word “Hope” I read for the letter “e”. I cannot even begin to tell you how nervous I was. My biggest fear was that I would break down and start crying half way through the ready. Not so – I actually made it through without shaking, tears shed or anything else. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Those who came out to support me and our team were just awesome. I had no idea the amount of support I had!!! Relay was such a blast!!! I can’t wait to do it again next year!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
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