Update & brutal honesty...

*Pre-read warning…the following was written on August 31st – before my appointment with Dr Gareis…to skip to the results…please scroll down to “Post Dr Visit”. I also will apologize to those of you who always say how strong I am…because this post shows that I have weak moments.

So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…

The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.

First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.

Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!

Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.

Post Dr. Appointment…

As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.

So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.

I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue.  I need happy and upbeat!!!!

Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!