To all of my friends and family,
First off I know this is not normally a way to apologize, but this seemed like the right way to reach everyone.
Sorry - what type of word is Sorry...does it really mean anything anymore? Well I can tell you that in my case, sorry comes from my heart. Although I am not even sure "sorry" can really cut it. For the last year I have went through an emotional roller coaster (see previous post). And in this time I have managed to strain and even ruin valuable friendships and relationships. The words that came out of my mouth were poisonous and hurtful. My head was so full of hatred. Hatred towards the cancer and the shit that I had just endured; but this hatred didn't get directed towards that, instead it came out as mean to the ones I loved the most. I alienated some of those close to me and clung way too hard to others. When you cling to one person and alienate the rest - it tends to send the clung to person running. I mean - how would you feel if one person relied solely on you to be their everything - you would feel overwhelmed.
As I get a chance to talk to each of you individually, I will apologize for the things I said to you personally. But I just needed everyone to know how truly sorry I am for how I have been this last year. To tell you the truth, I don't blame some of you for not liking me - I don't like me for how I have been.
But, moving forward - this is my vow to each and everyone of you...you will start to see the Renee that you are all use to - the positive and happy Renee. Because truthfully, that is who I am. I have always seen the positive in everything and unfortunately, I had a hard time doing that with the cancer. I feel as though all of the health issues I have had has sucked that person out - but now I am starting to realize that it was just buried - deep.
I know this may seem like a lot to ask, but I am asking each and every one of you to please give me a second chance. Please let me show you that the person you all knew and loved is coming back. Please open your hearts and let me back in - I promise I won't make the same mistake twice.
With the deepest love and regret for how I have been.
~Renee
Friday, May 11, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
1 Year After Remission
So – it’s been a while.
I realize that I have been very quiet on my blog. I tried to convince myself and everyone
around me that I was doing well since my remission report on March 25th,
2011. I have a confession…I AM
NOT!!! I won’t go into all the details
and will try to sum up the last year and few months below. From here on out this blog will be my outlet
for dealing with life after cancer – I hope that it will help others going
through the same emotional battle dealing with the aftermath as well as help my
family and friends understand just a glimpse of what I go through every day.
March 25th, 2011 – I got the remission report! I can’t even tell you how excited I was, my husband was, and everyone else who is in our lives. We celebrated – drinks and dinner with so many people. I drank my 12 year old Jameson that D & I had purchased on our trip to Ireland. Life was great…for a little while.
June 2011 – My Aunt, Cousin, and mom all helped D throw me a 30th birthday party. I can’t even express how much this meant to me. It was so wonderful to have everyone there. See, here is the thing that non-cancer people don’t realize…when a person is battling cancer, if they are as lucky as me, they have so many people around them at all times. Honestly, there wasn’t a weekend that there weren’t people at our house and there wasn’t a day that my phone didn’t have numerous phone calls and text messages coming in. But then when the remission report came, these things slowed drastically. And it is no one’s fault; I was healthy again and no one had to worry anymore…life goes on. The truth was, I wasn’t fine…the cancer spots may have been gone, but they left more than the scars on my body…they left a huge scar on my mental state. The week before my 30th birthday I mentally broke down…and D can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I lay on the kitchen floor and just cried and cried and told D that I was broken. This was a Sunday – that Monday I called my chemo nurse and asked her if they could recommend a therapist who deals with this type of thing. She did and I started seeing him on Wednesday.
I was down, down deep. The therapist and I talked about everything. At the time I was jobless, so that didn’t help anything because I was at home with too much time to think. At the same time of all of these emotions with me, I was in a perpetual fight with my best friend and his girlfriend. I couldn’t wrap my head around why her and I didn’t get along and I let it eat away at me…so much so, that my therapy sessions that were to be about my fears of living after cancer became sessions on how to mend the situation. Needless to say, this didn’t help anything.
In this time all I could talk about was buying a new car, buying a bigger house, and getting the new diamond setting for my engagement ring. I was so focused on these things…I thought they would make it all better. Now, after many therapy sessions, I have learned that this is “normal”. After people survive cancer, they want to speed through life. And it is true – I always thought that I had a lifetime to get that bigger house, buy that nicer car, etc…but once I got cancer and survived, all I wanted to do was fast forward and shove 40 years of a future into the present. I don’t think I have to tell anyone, the stress that this can cause with a couple. Now, not only did my caregiver have to be there to try and pick up the pieces of me left over from cancer, but now I was asking him to provide things we just financially weren’t ready to take on.
February 2012 –
February 12th to be exact.
This day will have forever have changed my life. I knew that I had been having a lot of
emotional difficulties with dealing with life after cancer…and so blindly I
leaned on my husband as my rock, my one true, my support. Now, I know that some of you will say “well
yeah, that is what spouses are for”, and I will agree with you to a certain
extent. However, in the condition I have
been in, I also should have been going to a therapist and my husband shouldn’t
have been bottling everything up inside, however, it happened and we are
here. Doug had been acting a little
strange since his birthday in November, but had become stranger in the week
leading up to 2/12/12. On that Sunday I
sat down with him and asked him what was going on. And that is when it happened – my world
crumbled. He told me that he wasn’t sure
about a lot of things in his life anymore and that I was one of them. He wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. I cried, I screamed, I just couldn’t
deal. On Valentine’s Day – a day when most couples show their love
for one another – we started individual counseling. And our world hasn’t been the same since.
March 25th, 2011 – I got the remission report! I can’t even tell you how excited I was, my husband was, and everyone else who is in our lives. We celebrated – drinks and dinner with so many people. I drank my 12 year old Jameson that D & I had purchased on our trip to Ireland. Life was great…for a little while.
June 2011 – My Aunt, Cousin, and mom all helped D throw me a 30th birthday party. I can’t even express how much this meant to me. It was so wonderful to have everyone there. See, here is the thing that non-cancer people don’t realize…when a person is battling cancer, if they are as lucky as me, they have so many people around them at all times. Honestly, there wasn’t a weekend that there weren’t people at our house and there wasn’t a day that my phone didn’t have numerous phone calls and text messages coming in. But then when the remission report came, these things slowed drastically. And it is no one’s fault; I was healthy again and no one had to worry anymore…life goes on. The truth was, I wasn’t fine…the cancer spots may have been gone, but they left more than the scars on my body…they left a huge scar on my mental state. The week before my 30th birthday I mentally broke down…and D can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I lay on the kitchen floor and just cried and cried and told D that I was broken. This was a Sunday – that Monday I called my chemo nurse and asked her if they could recommend a therapist who deals with this type of thing. She did and I started seeing him on Wednesday.
I was down, down deep. The therapist and I talked about everything. At the time I was jobless, so that didn’t help anything because I was at home with too much time to think. At the same time of all of these emotions with me, I was in a perpetual fight with my best friend and his girlfriend. I couldn’t wrap my head around why her and I didn’t get along and I let it eat away at me…so much so, that my therapy sessions that were to be about my fears of living after cancer became sessions on how to mend the situation. Needless to say, this didn’t help anything.
August 2011 – I finally
got a job!!! I thought “I am cured – I have
a purpose and self-worth again”; not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to
start a new job and have to take time off for therapy sessions…so I stopped.
September 2011 –
January 2012 – Life went on. I was
busy at work. D and I were
entertaining a lot, visiting friends, going to games, etc. In this time, I could feel something was
wrong inside of me. I thought that it
was just inside of me and I wasn’t projecting it. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I
was “off”. I chalked a lot of it up to
the fact that I lost my best friend…I had driven a wedge so far between us
because his girlfriend and I couldn’t get along, that all contact stopped. D had mentioned a couple times that he
thought that I was so negative…I thought he meant about that particular
situation, but hind sight 20/20, he was trying to tell me that the feelings I
was having inside were coming out. In this time all I could talk about was buying a new car, buying a bigger house, and getting the new diamond setting for my engagement ring. I was so focused on these things…I thought they would make it all better. Now, after many therapy sessions, I have learned that this is “normal”. After people survive cancer, they want to speed through life. And it is true – I always thought that I had a lifetime to get that bigger house, buy that nicer car, etc…but once I got cancer and survived, all I wanted to do was fast forward and shove 40 years of a future into the present. I don’t think I have to tell anyone, the stress that this can cause with a couple. Now, not only did my caregiver have to be there to try and pick up the pieces of me left over from cancer, but now I was asking him to provide things we just financially weren’t ready to take on.
March – present –
So as I write this, I am alone. Our once
1200 square foot house has become a hollow mansion. My husband and I are separated and divorce
seems to be on the horizons. I am an
empty shell of myself. Every day I
cry. I didn’t know that the human body
could produce that many tears. I want so
bad to save my marriage, but I truly think I broke it so badly.
For the people who know us – this news will be quite a
shock. Believe me, I am still in
shock. And some may ask why I write
about this. I have thought long and hard
about it, but if my little blog about how people deal with cancer and life
after cancer can help at least one person seek help before it is too late –
then it will be all worth it. I don’t
intend to go into all of the intricacies and personal conversations that have
happened; that would not be fair. But I
feel it is important that others going through what I am going through don’t
feel as alone as I do.
I am so tired – tired of fighting. For thirty years I have struggled with health
issue after health issue…and now this mental health issue is too much. I feel like I am letting everyone who knows
me that I am letting them down by admitting all of this, but I just can’t do it
anymore. I am not the strong survivor
that everyone thought I was and for that I am sorry. At this point I don’t know if I will ever be
Renee again, but I want to try. And like
I said – hopefully I will be able to help at least one other cancer survivor going
through this feel as though they are not alone.
I may not post everyday – but I hope to post enough to be helpful.
And for my friends and family reading this, please don’t
feel sorry for me – I did this, I let my thoughts get to me and sought help
deep into feeling this way. I am truly
sorry to let everyone down, but this is my life today and I need to learn how
to cope.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Free at last!!!!!!!
March 25th, 2011 - another very important date for the memory banks...the day a weight was lifted off my shoulders!! I AM IN REMISSION!!!! Yes - you read that right!!! Finally - after a very long year and a half, the doctors have safely announced that I am in REMISSION!!!
When I was walking out of the room at the doctor's today my chemo nurse, Renee (small world) - gave a big hug and congratulated me...I started to cry - not because I am sad, but because I am just so happy. I have never been the happy crying type - but apparently today I became the type. Dr. Gareis said "She's crying..." and Renee told her that it was just tears of joy.
I had already had plans to meet with the "Ladies who Lunch" for a tea party for the little girls today. When I announced the news - my cousin, Nicole ran to her garage and came back with a cake that had the word "Survivor" written on it! Craziness!! It is amazing to me that I have this many wonderful people in my life. I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, love, and support!! Even when there were days where I just was out of sorts - I could always count on one of you to say or do something that in your eyes was nothing but in mine was tremendous!!!
The nurses at the doctors are setting up for me to have my Medi-Port removed. Next week I will get the call on when that will happen. And that will officially end this crazy chapter of my life. And let me tell you - I am very ready to go on to the next chapter!!! As I am sure D is as well. I can only imagine the stress that this has had on him as well. I could not have asked for a more awesome husband though - he has truly been my rock through everything!!
There are many more thank yous to be handed out - just not today...I need to go put on my "Survivor" shirt, drink my 12 year old Jameson that I got in Ireland just for this occasion, and celebrate!!!!
When I was walking out of the room at the doctor's today my chemo nurse, Renee (small world) - gave a big hug and congratulated me...I started to cry - not because I am sad, but because I am just so happy. I have never been the happy crying type - but apparently today I became the type. Dr. Gareis said "She's crying..." and Renee told her that it was just tears of joy.
I had already had plans to meet with the "Ladies who Lunch" for a tea party for the little girls today. When I announced the news - my cousin, Nicole ran to her garage and came back with a cake that had the word "Survivor" written on it! Craziness!! It is amazing to me that I have this many wonderful people in my life. I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, love, and support!! Even when there were days where I just was out of sorts - I could always count on one of you to say or do something that in your eyes was nothing but in mine was tremendous!!!
The nurses at the doctors are setting up for me to have my Medi-Port removed. Next week I will get the call on when that will happen. And that will officially end this crazy chapter of my life. And let me tell you - I am very ready to go on to the next chapter!!! As I am sure D is as well. I can only imagine the stress that this has had on him as well. I could not have asked for a more awesome husband though - he has truly been my rock through everything!!
There are many more thank yous to be handed out - just not today...I need to go put on my "Survivor" shirt, drink my 12 year old Jameson that I got in Ireland just for this occasion, and celebrate!!!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Surgeon Appointment
Just a quick update...
I was able to get in to see the surgeon today (thank you to whomever canceled their appointment that made this possible). I will be going Monday, March 14th to have my left thyroid removed. I have never been more excited for a surgery...as I am really hoping that this will end this chapter in the cancer battle. This weekend I will be shopping for jello and broth.
I was able to get in to see the surgeon today (thank you to whomever canceled their appointment that made this possible). I will be going Monday, March 14th to have my left thyroid removed. I have never been more excited for a surgery...as I am really hoping that this will end this chapter in the cancer battle. This weekend I will be shopping for jello and broth.
Friday, March 4, 2011
3/3/11 PET Scan
Well - the PET Scan results are in...the 12 year old Jameson I had planned on drinking when I heard the "R" word will have to age a little more.
Unfortunately - the "hot spot" on my left thyroid that has been lighting up and they have been monitoring decided to change a little. There is an increased activity level since the last scan. Apparently so much so that my hem-onc would like me to call on Monday to see the surgeon. She would not venture anything past me seeing the surgeon; which means I don't know anything else past that. I don't know if the surgery will remove everything or if I will need any type of treatment after surgery. Right now everything is a blur.
Sorry to leave everyone with that news. I will post more once I know. Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying, thinking good thoughts, etc...I have never felt like I was worthy enough to have the love and support I do have - it has been amazing.
The plan for the weekend is to do some house renovations and keep my mind off of it.
Unfortunately - the "hot spot" on my left thyroid that has been lighting up and they have been monitoring decided to change a little. There is an increased activity level since the last scan. Apparently so much so that my hem-onc would like me to call on Monday to see the surgeon. She would not venture anything past me seeing the surgeon; which means I don't know anything else past that. I don't know if the surgery will remove everything or if I will need any type of treatment after surgery. Right now everything is a blur.
Sorry to leave everyone with that news. I will post more once I know. Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying, thinking good thoughts, etc...I have never felt like I was worthy enough to have the love and support I do have - it has been amazing.
The plan for the weekend is to do some house renovations and keep my mind off of it.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Hem Onc Visit - 1/14/11
As many of you know I met with my hem-onc doctor today. As with all of my appointments with her I hold out high hopes that maybe just maybe this will be the appointment that I hear the words “you are cancer free”. Today was not that day…
The great news first…all of my blood counts are up!!! And for the first time none of them are in the red. I think This is wonderful – this is the day she is going to tell me that I and cancer free. So I say to her “All I want is to hear that “r” word.” She looks as me as though I just told a puppy to sit. I explain to her that I want that “remission”. I say “everyone else I know has gotten it why can’t I” – as though I am a pre-teen girl asking for the latest designer jeans. Here is how that conversation went…
Dr: Well, Renee “technically you can be considered in remission because you are not actively getting treatment.
Me: So I am cancer free??? (Glimmers of hope) What about the hot spots on the last Pet Scan??
Dr: Well…no you are not quite cancer free. The next Pet Scan will helps us with that.
Me: Oh – I see, and when can I have that done.
Dr: Well (she says well A LOT), you just had the one in November so it will have to be March.
Me: (Not said out loud, but thinking) MARCH – REALLY – MARCH!!!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me!!!! I hate this limbo shit!!!
Dr: (Obvious that even though I didn’t say anything – my body language did) Renee – you really need to stop living in fear of the cancer and just live normally.
Me: I am…I keep very active I am trying new things like skiing… but I trail off and stop talking then say thank you for the appointment.
So…live normally huh?!?! I thought that was what I have been doing for the last year
That I have been dealing with all of this. I am trying to live normal…I go to gym or workout at home, I have started taking classes, I am learning new things, and on the job hunt. However, sometimes it is hard to feel “normal” when I go to gym and do what is an average workout and hear “are you alright, you look absolutely exhausted” or every day when I take my clothes off there is this large port sticking out of my chest. These stupid little reminders drive me crazy.
To sum it up – I could technically be in remission, but I am not cancer free and I will not know until March…March 3rd to be exact – that is the Pet Scan. Yes – I know I could have just said this sentence at the beginning, but what fun would that be.
Oh and since I have you all tuned in…please hit me up if you want a friend to pal around with or are going to do some really cool outdoor activity. I haven’t had a lot of friend interaction lately – I think it is starting to show…I have been a little grumpy to poor D and he doesn’t deserve that!
Love you all!
The great news first…all of my blood counts are up!!! And for the first time none of them are in the red. I think This is wonderful – this is the day she is going to tell me that I and cancer free. So I say to her “All I want is to hear that “r” word.” She looks as me as though I just told a puppy to sit. I explain to her that I want that “remission”. I say “everyone else I know has gotten it why can’t I” – as though I am a pre-teen girl asking for the latest designer jeans. Here is how that conversation went…
Dr: Well, Renee “technically you can be considered in remission because you are not actively getting treatment.
Me: So I am cancer free??? (Glimmers of hope) What about the hot spots on the last Pet Scan??
Dr: Well…no you are not quite cancer free. The next Pet Scan will helps us with that.
Me: Oh – I see, and when can I have that done.
Dr: Well (she says well A LOT), you just had the one in November so it will have to be March.
Me: (Not said out loud, but thinking) MARCH – REALLY – MARCH!!!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me!!!! I hate this limbo shit!!!
Dr: (Obvious that even though I didn’t say anything – my body language did) Renee – you really need to stop living in fear of the cancer and just live normally.
Me: I am…I keep very active I am trying new things like skiing… but I trail off and stop talking then say thank you for the appointment.
So…live normally huh?!?! I thought that was what I have been doing for the last year
That I have been dealing with all of this. I am trying to live normal…I go to gym or workout at home, I have started taking classes, I am learning new things, and on the job hunt. However, sometimes it is hard to feel “normal” when I go to gym and do what is an average workout and hear “are you alright, you look absolutely exhausted” or every day when I take my clothes off there is this large port sticking out of my chest. These stupid little reminders drive me crazy.
To sum it up – I could technically be in remission, but I am not cancer free and I will not know until March…March 3rd to be exact – that is the Pet Scan. Yes – I know I could have just said this sentence at the beginning, but what fun would that be.
Oh and since I have you all tuned in…please hit me up if you want a friend to pal around with or are going to do some really cool outdoor activity. I haven’t had a lot of friend interaction lately – I think it is starting to show…I have been a little grumpy to poor D and he doesn’t deserve that!
Love you all!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
One Year...
One year ago today – my life changed forever!!! At 3:30 pm on this day last year I received the call that made me look at and live life a little differently – but then again, the words “you have cancer” have a way of doing that.
A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.
Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!
At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.
November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!
One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!
A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.
Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!
At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.
November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!
One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!
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