July 16, 2010 – another date to go in the memory banks. I called the doctor’s office this morning to see if they had the results from my PET scan in. They did. The woman told me that the doctor was out of the office today, but she would put a call into them…I told her that I did not care who called me, a doctor, a PA, a nurse, or even a medical assistant, I just wanted to know the results. Well, that’s what I get for wanting to know so bad…a PA (physician’s assistant) returned my call. It seems that the cancer is as stubborn as I am!!! There is a lot of activity going on in the left thyroid (only one I have left). Which means the fucking cancer is not gone!!!! (Pardon my French – but it makes me mad).
I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.
So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Small Update...
So I guess it’s been a while huh?? Well – I am still here, and I am still kicking (pretty hard actually). Let’s see since my last blog entry in May…
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.
The three survivors!!!
I also had the honor of being one of the speakers at this year’s Luminaria ceremony during Relay. At the ceremony four survivors read the meaning behind each letter in the word “Hope” I read for the letter “e”. I cannot even begin to tell you how nervous I was. My biggest fear was that I would break down and start crying half way through the ready. Not so – I actually made it through without shaking, tears shed or anything else. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Those who came out to support me and our team were just awesome. I had no idea the amount of support I had!!! Relay was such a blast!!! I can’t wait to do it again next year!!
At the Luminaria Ceremony
One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.
I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.
Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.
My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.
That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Living Life...
Yes, yes – I know I am terrible at updating…I’m sorry. I get so wrapped up in living life that I forget to write about it.
First things first…the important information…I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!!! In all caps – just in case you questioned how excited I am. Tuesday, April 27th was my last radiation treatment!!!! I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st just to see how I am doing off of the radiation. I can not tell you how excited I am to not have to be strapped down to a table by my head and lay there while large amounts of radiation are shot to my neck. Doesn’t sound so appealing does it???
They let me keep my radiation mask…I think it is only fitting that I have a little destroying ceremony. So at the Relay for Life, June 18th-19th everyone on the team will get to help cut up the mask into itty bitty pieces…and each piece destroyed will represent the cancer that was destroyed!!!
On Thursday, May 13th I had a follow up with my hem-onc doctor, Dr. Gareis. They checked my port and took blood. My port is still functioning well; which is good since I will need to keep it for at least another 4 months. Dr. Gareis is very pleased with how my levels are coming up since radiation. I will go back to see her on July 8th and we will schedule my first post treatment PET scan. This scan will be the base scan of which the one following it (3-4 months) will be compared to. It will be at this time they will determine if I am cancer free or if more chemo is necessary. I think we all know what outcome I am praying for!!!! Dr. Gareis told me to not worry about the next couple of months and to live my life as though there is no cancer. That is the plan!!! I wasn’t going to celebrate being cancer free until I got that PET scan, but I don’t think I can wait that long to celebrate the big accomplishment I have already made!!! Party to come soon.
So since radiation is over I am trying to get back to life pre-cancer. Or at least what will be the new normal. As far as work – my doctor wanted me to ease back into full days for the Month of May and by June I will be back to 40 hours a week. The fatigue is the biggest battle right now. I am pretty good at ignoring pain and fatigue…but this type of fatigue only gets ignored for so long. I can’t wait for the days of leaving work, heading to the gym, and then home for dinner and household chores. I have been averaging 1-2 days at the gym per week. Last week I played five innings of softball!! All in good time is what I keep telling myself. This past week I could feel my energy level draining day by day. By Saturday I was beat and still had the weekend to get through. I made it through. And I would like to apologize to Doug for being so cranky…I will admit that when I get that tired – I am not a nice person to be around.
I’m trying really hard to grow the little peach fuzz on the top of my head. I can not wait to not have to wear this wig to work anymore. When I am at home or friends I let the peach fuzz free; out in public I wear a hat; and playing sports or at the gym I wear a bandana. Yesterday I was at Target and was completely stunned by a woman who came up to me and said “I like your hair style. It’s very cool (temperature) for this weather. I am going to get mine done like that.” I was completely stunned – I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t until she walked away that I processed it. I mean really?!?! What should I have said – “thank you” or should I have totally stunned her back and said “yeah you should never let chemo be your hair stylist.” Crazy!!! I was wearing a hat and when I have a hat on it is clear there is no hair there!!! Oh well.
So that’s pretty much it for now – just living life post cancer treatments. And trying really hard not to tick Doug off too much when I am tired and cranky. Just have to find that balance until my stamina returns.
First things first…the important information…I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!!! In all caps – just in case you questioned how excited I am. Tuesday, April 27th was my last radiation treatment!!!! I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st just to see how I am doing off of the radiation. I can not tell you how excited I am to not have to be strapped down to a table by my head and lay there while large amounts of radiation are shot to my neck. Doesn’t sound so appealing does it???
They let me keep my radiation mask…I think it is only fitting that I have a little destroying ceremony. So at the Relay for Life, June 18th-19th everyone on the team will get to help cut up the mask into itty bitty pieces…and each piece destroyed will represent the cancer that was destroyed!!!
On Thursday, May 13th I had a follow up with my hem-onc doctor, Dr. Gareis. They checked my port and took blood. My port is still functioning well; which is good since I will need to keep it for at least another 4 months. Dr. Gareis is very pleased with how my levels are coming up since radiation. I will go back to see her on July 8th and we will schedule my first post treatment PET scan. This scan will be the base scan of which the one following it (3-4 months) will be compared to. It will be at this time they will determine if I am cancer free or if more chemo is necessary. I think we all know what outcome I am praying for!!!! Dr. Gareis told me to not worry about the next couple of months and to live my life as though there is no cancer. That is the plan!!! I wasn’t going to celebrate being cancer free until I got that PET scan, but I don’t think I can wait that long to celebrate the big accomplishment I have already made!!! Party to come soon.
So since radiation is over I am trying to get back to life pre-cancer. Or at least what will be the new normal. As far as work – my doctor wanted me to ease back into full days for the Month of May and by June I will be back to 40 hours a week. The fatigue is the biggest battle right now. I am pretty good at ignoring pain and fatigue…but this type of fatigue only gets ignored for so long. I can’t wait for the days of leaving work, heading to the gym, and then home for dinner and household chores. I have been averaging 1-2 days at the gym per week. Last week I played five innings of softball!! All in good time is what I keep telling myself. This past week I could feel my energy level draining day by day. By Saturday I was beat and still had the weekend to get through. I made it through. And I would like to apologize to Doug for being so cranky…I will admit that when I get that tired – I am not a nice person to be around.
I’m trying really hard to grow the little peach fuzz on the top of my head. I can not wait to not have to wear this wig to work anymore. When I am at home or friends I let the peach fuzz free; out in public I wear a hat; and playing sports or at the gym I wear a bandana. Yesterday I was at Target and was completely stunned by a woman who came up to me and said “I like your hair style. It’s very cool (temperature) for this weather. I am going to get mine done like that.” I was completely stunned – I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t until she walked away that I processed it. I mean really?!?! What should I have said – “thank you” or should I have totally stunned her back and said “yeah you should never let chemo be your hair stylist.” Crazy!!! I was wearing a hat and when I have a hat on it is clear there is no hair there!!! Oh well.
So that’s pretty much it for now – just living life post cancer treatments. And trying really hard not to tick Doug off too much when I am tired and cranky. Just have to find that balance until my stamina returns.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
So close...yet so far away...
So close – yet so far away…that is what I feel like right now!!! Sunday during my tennis practice I started losing my voice; which is very hard when you’re the coach!! Sunday night I felt worse, my throat was very sore and I was so fatigued. Monday I woke up running a fever. I stayed home from work and had my mom drive me to radiation. Now anyone who knows me knows I have to be feeling pretty damn bad to ask for help. I told the radiation techs how I was feeling and they had me see the doctor after treatment. Dr. Milito told me that I needed to be off and resting for the next couple of days.
Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.
So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.
Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!
Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.
So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.
Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
This day five years ago
*Written yesterday - April 17th - but fell asleep before posting...
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.
My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!
Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.
Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.
Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Good news!!
Hi there!! Just thought I would pop in and give a little update…and let me tell you, good things come in little packages…
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!
As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.
All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!
Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!
So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Momma said there will days like these...
So let me start this post by saying I am not writing this for pity or sorrow…I just am feeling a little down. With this cancer crap – you will have days like this…I guess these are mine. This blog is my outlet for dealing with the cancer and documenting what I am going through – believe me, I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.
The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!
The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!
This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!
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