Good news!!

Hi there!! Just thought I would pop in and give a little update…and let me tell you, good things come in little packages…

Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!

As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.

All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!

Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!

So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!! 

Momma said there will days like these...

So let me start this post by saying I am not writing this for pity or sorrow…I just am feeling a little down. With this cancer crap – you will have days like this…I guess these are mine. This blog is my outlet for dealing with the cancer and documenting what I am going through – believe me, I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs!!!

I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.

The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. D “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. D promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!

The last two days have not been easy on Do that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. D has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! D – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!

This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!

Glow bug treatments have begun...

So I found out last weekend that more people than I ever thought are actually reading this thing! Hello ladies!! With that being said, I really should update more often. But you know what they say…no news is good news.

I started radiation this week. Oh boy – this is a tough one!!! I am pretty claustrophobic and have a hard time being restrained…both of which are being put to the test with this part of the “cancer ass kicking” treatments. I could explain what exactly they do, but instead I will show you. Below is what I will be doing everyday for the next 7 weeks at 3:30. I gotta tell you – I think I would rather be sitting at my desk at work!!! I am working very hard to go to my “happy place” when they strap me down by my head. Today I did pretty well; but my goal is to not freak out inside when they first strap me down. It is easier to just be in my happy place first rather than having to talk myself out of hell first.  I found out today that I will not have 25 treatments as originally thought...no, no I will have 33 treatments!!!  Crazy!!!  Doug is going to be able to use me as a night light!!!

The mask is so tight that when they take it off, my face has the waffle print on it!!!

I am feeling pretty good right now. I have some fatigue – but I have already succumbed to the fact that that will be around throughout the treatment. I coach Special Olympics Tennis and that started back up for the season on Sunday. It is great to see my athletes and to be back out on the court again. I also joined the co-ed softball team that D played on last year. I know this might seem a little over zealous – but I have never been one to sit around. Even if I can’t play all the time – just being able to play once in a while will be awesome. If I don’t try, I will never know…

Radiation doctor appointment #1...

I went on Friday, March 5th to meet with Dr. Milito at Oakwood Cancer Center. This is where I will receive my radiation treatments. The appointment went well. We discussed how he was going to measure me for the radiation, the mask that I will be fitted for, and the side effects.

Dr. Milito said that since I am not even thirty yet he wants to be very precise in is measurements of where the radiation will hit. Apparently in older people who have cancer in the neck area, they will just radiate the entire neck area. The doctor said he doesn’t want to do that with me and would like to be very precise and only radiate what is needed. I say ‘thank you’!!! I will be fitted for a mesh mask that will hold my head in place during treatment. Not only will it hold my head in place, it will ensure that my head is in the same position every time, thus the radiation hitting the same correct spot every time.

Now for the side effects…how lovely!! I have a very tricky spot of cancer…some of it is on the very back of my tongue (in my neck). This will be very tricky to radiate and will come along with wonderful side effects. The doctor said that I will lose my sense of taste, and that it probably won’t come back for at least a year. My mouth is going to get very, very sore and it will become hard for me to chew and swallow. He said my desire to eat will diminish and I will lose weight. Now the weight loss part doesn’t bother me. I have said through this whole thing that if there is a silver lining…at least I could afford to lose more weight. My concern is making sure I am getting the right nutrients. So it sounds like I will be drinking my meals in the form of protein shakes and other supplements. And then there is the fatigue…that is a side effect that carries over from chemo to radiation. Sounds like more nap times!

The doctor then looked at me and said “you need two more weeks off”. D told him that I have been working the whole time. He looked a little shocked at that, but then clarified that I need two more weeks off from the chemo before we start radiation. He said I looked very, very tired and run down. Huh…I had even wore eye makeup that day as to not look like that. I guess I am not fooling anybody.

I go this Thursday, March 11th for the final appointment before radiation starts. I will get a CAT scan for the doctor to base his measurement off of. They will also be fitting me for the lovely mesh mask…think Jason with more holes. And I will get my ID swipe card. Every patient has a swipe badge that they have to bring with them. The machine scans the badge and pulls up all of the information needed for the radiation. This ensures that no one ever gets the wrong radiation treatment.

I am very anxious for this all to start…mainly so it can end. I am so over this cancer crap!!! But sadly my body isn’t – I am still battling with the fatigue. I have also been battling with myself and how others see me. There are some people in my life who I truly believe they think that I am done with everything and all better because the chemo is done. But the fact of the matter is (as my husband so wisely put it) chemo was the first stage of treatment and radiation is the second…I will not be “all better” for a little longer yet. All I keep telling myself is “patience my dear, patience.”  But don't get me wrong, I still feel very positive about this whole thing and like Dori in Finding Nemo I "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

**Edited to add...the treatments will be 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for at least 5 weeks.  I will know whether it will be more than 5 weeks after the doctor does all of his measurements and calculations.

Last chemo done...

Hello…I’m still here. Sorry I know I am terrible at posting, but to be honest life is pretty boring and there is not much happening. I finished up chemo last Friday, February 26th. I can’t tell you how happy I am about this. Especially since this last treatment has really beaten me down. The nausea has been a little much. I have Zofran to take for the nausea but I haven’t taken it since my first treatment…it causes the worst headaches and I would rather be nauseous.

Like I said life is kind of boring right now. Sometimes boring can be good, but I am so ready to be back into life. I have been able to get to the gym here and there (pretty much the week before the next chemo treatment) and it has been a teaser for me. I love going to the gym. The weather is starting to show glimmers of spring which brings a smile to my face. Spring brings new life…things will soon be blooming, my Special Olympics Tennis will be starting, and radiation will begin. I can not wait to see my athletes again and start training. I just pray I have the energy to keep up; but I have an awesome assistant coach and support system, so I am sure all will be bueno!!!

Tomorrow is my appointment with the radiation doctor at Oakwood Cancer Center. I feel good about Oakwood because Dr. Milito specializes in mouth and throat cancers and takes special precautions in regards to the side effects. I am very anxious to get all of the information and get the next phase started!!!

So that’s what has been up…not much of anything. Still fighting, still trying to stay strong!!

Still here & still kicking!!!

I know it has been a while since I have posted…I’m sorry. I am fine really. I had my second round of chemo on February 5th. Things have been going ok since then. I still get sick when I try to eat certain foods. My diet has mainly consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches, eggs, and pancakes (don’t ask me, but the Bisquick Low Fat Pancake mix seems to work for me). I can’t do milk, which kills me, because I love milk!! I have been very shy to try any pasta for fear of the sauce. And I am pretty sure my blood stream has now been replaced with diet ginger ale. But all and all I am ok with the food situation because I know that this too shall pass. And besides when all of this chemo and radiation crap is over with – I am getting the biggest order of sushi!!!!

As I type this I can feel the neuropathy starting in my finger tips. I knew it was a side effect, but I hadn’t been affected until now. The little stubbles that were on my head from shaving it are few and far between. And my eyebrows are starting to fall out/off. It still amazes me how your body changes from the chemo. I look at my face and can’t believe how “tired” I look. I read on the ACS’s website that chemo patients should replace their makeup with new once they start chemo – something with getting rid of the old germs. So I went to Ulta this past Sunday and asked the girl at the Bare Escentuals counter to help me pick out some new eye makeup that would make me look less dead. She did an awesome job, and I purchased a new eye shadow and mascara. I figured I would try to get people to notice my eyes before they notice the scarf on my head. The scale says I have only lost 5 pounds, but most of my clothes are swimming on me, especially my pants. I am hoping that the small weight loss means I have lost fat and not muscle. I worked very, very hard to get that muscle built up!!!

Every day I am more amazed at how overwhelming generous people have been. I have always known that the friends and family that I have in my life are awesome – otherwise they wouldn’t be here. But I am so grateful for how wonderful they have all been. I was going to list everything here, but it would take me a couple hours to do that, and I am sure you guys don’t want to read a post that long. But my friends & family have brought me some of the nicest things, from meals, flowers, scarves, blankets, and beautiful crocheted items, the outpouring from people has made me cry several times. And the cards!!! Oh my, the cards!! I get cards from people a couple times a week. Again – I can not convey just how grateful I am to have everyone in my life. With that said…if you are reading this and thinking “crap – I haven’t sent or made her anything – I guess I should”, please know that as I am grateful for what I have received, but I in no way expect anything. Heck just knowing that the people who are reading this blog are interested enough in me to see how I am doing means the world to me.

I am trying very, very hard to remain as “normal” as possible throughout this whole thing. I look at my health a lot differently than other people do. I actually hate my health – or lack there of. It pisses me off to no end that every time I get “better” from one thing, I get knocked on my ass with another. That is why I try to remain life as normal every time I get sick. It is more of a “screw you” to the universe. Mentally I am so strong and ready to take on anything, but it seems like my body fights me. Right now I want nothing more than to get off work and go to the gym. But instead, I get off work early now because I can’t make it through a whole day, I go home and I take a nap until D gets home. Last week was not very nice; I had a really bad chest cold that knocked me down. I believe I was asleep more than I was awake. This week I want so bad to go to the gym. I am so tired of being told that I really need to rest. I just want to scream “Just because I have cancer, doesn’t mean I’m dead!!!!!” I have never been the type to just stop life for anything. I feel like some people feel that because I have cancer that I should just sit around. Well just kill me now, because that is not the life I want to live. I know I have always been stubborn and will test my limits to the max, but if I don’t try – how will I know!!!!

So that’s been what is happening…not much. The next round of chemo is on February 26th. That will hopefully be the last one and then I move on to radiation, but I have to meet with the radiation doctor first.

No more hair...

Last night I had D shave my head. As I stated before, I woke up on Thursday, January 28th and found my hair starting to fall out. Well it didn’t take long – by Sunday I had bald spots and was wearing a hat or scarf. It was so thin and looked terrible.

I stood in the bathroom feeling completely open and vulnerable as I felt the clippers taking away the one thing I had always liked about myself. I cried the whole time D cut. I kept my eyes closed as I was afraid to look in the mirror. When it was all said and done I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror…and screamed!!! The person looking back at me, was not me, it was some sickly looking girl with mascara smeared from the tears. D grabbed me and hugged me; I could see and hear his tears. He felt so sorry for me. And although I am not usually the type, I felt sorry for myself.

It is very hard to look in the mirror right now, as I am sure it will be for some time. I feel much, much more comfortable with a head covering on, whether it is a scarf or a hat. Plus my head is so cold and my scalp is so tender to touch. The stubble that is left on my head is falling out, but it is easier to see that than clumps of long hair.

We had gone shopping on Sunday for some new clothes for D and me some scarves. I am amazed how hard it is to find silk scarves. I came home from the Gettysburg Outlets, Capital City Mall, and Target with just two scarves!!! I have looked online for some. But I think tonight I am going to stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics and see if I can just buy some fabric in the same square size as the scarves I bought and put a hem around. I think this will be a cheaper alternative. Plus I can pick fabric I like and that will match my wardrobe.

On Saturday, my friend Jess and I took a trip to Fleetwood (outside of Reading) to meet a very, very nice lady who sells wigs. What a surreal experience that was. I never thought I would be sitting in a chair at my age getting wigs tried on me. After some doozies, I believe I found a good match. The color is almost the exact same as my natural color and the style looks to be my style. “The Wig Lady” (that’s the name of her business), Faye, had the color wig I wanted but not the style. I picked the style out of a book. I wear or wore my hair straight and parted to the left. Some wigs do not part, and are fluffy on top. I can tell you with certainty that I am not a fluffy hair kind of girl. Faye tried one wig on me that made me look like C.C. DaVille, no joke!! So anyway – the type of wig I got is a monofilament wig – which means it looks like a real scalp, it can be parted, and is a flat style. I like flat!! I am hoping to be able to pick it up next week.

Other than the hair loss – I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t go to the gym last night because…well, I just didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am hoping to get there tonight, even if it is only to do a little bit – at least it will be something!!!