To all of my friends and family,
First off I know this is not normally a way to apologize, but this seemed like the right way to reach everyone.
Sorry - what type of word is Sorry...does it really mean anything anymore? Well I can tell you that in my case, sorry comes from my heart. Although I am not even sure "sorry" can really cut it. For the last year I have went through an emotional roller coaster (see previous post). And in this time I have managed to strain and even ruin valuable friendships and relationships. The words that came out of my mouth were poisonous and hurtful. My head was so full of hatred. Hatred towards the cancer and the shit that I had just endured; but this hatred didn't get directed towards that, instead it came out as mean to the ones I loved the most. I alienated some of those close to me and clung way too hard to others. When you cling to one person and alienate the rest - it tends to send the clung to person running. I mean - how would you feel if one person relied solely on you to be their everything - you would feel overwhelmed.
As I get a chance to talk to each of you individually, I will apologize for the things I said to you personally. But I just needed everyone to know how truly sorry I am for how I have been this last year. To tell you the truth, I don't blame some of you for not liking me - I don't like me for how I have been.
But, moving forward - this is my vow to each and everyone of you...you will start to see the Renee that you are all use to - the positive and happy Renee. Because truthfully, that is who I am. I have always seen the positive in everything and unfortunately, I had a hard time doing that with the cancer. I feel as though all of the health issues I have had has sucked that person out - but now I am starting to realize that it was just buried - deep.
I know this may seem like a lot to ask, but I am asking each and every one of you to please give me a second chance. Please let me show you that the person you all knew and loved is coming back. Please open your hearts and let me back in - I promise I won't make the same mistake twice.
With the deepest love and regret for how I have been.
~Renee
