Knock, knock, knock...is this thing on?
My last post, as you see below was almost two years ago. Is that a good or bad thing? Well, I can tell you that it has been a good thing. With all of the social media out there today, it is easy for every person to know every last little thing about you. People love to air their dirty laundry - whether it is for the attention or just because they have no sensor. But sometimes, in order to figure yourself out, you need to shut your mouth and open your mind!
If you have read my blog - thank you, you have been through it all with me. If you haven't, let me give you the "Reader's Digest" version...
In 2008 I started the trip to hell when I went in for PAO surgery on my right hip (read life changing, major surgery). I had complications from that and finished up the final surgery in the summer of 2009. Just five short months after my final surgery I went in for surgery to remove a nodule on my thyroid. Five days out from that surgery, December 15, 2009 I was diagnosed with cancer - Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. So from January 2010 until May 2010 I underwent chemo and radiation. My next Pet Scan showed that I had "hot spots", meaning the cancer wasn't necessarily gone. In March of 2011 the doctors decided to operate again and remove the rest of the cancer. On March 25th, 2011 I was declared to be in remission and have been since!! Not a year later my husband of 11 years came to me and said he didn't love me anymore, stating that between all of the surgeries and the cancer, he couldn't do it anymore and that he had fallen in love with someone else.
So why do I start this blog back up and "air my dirty laundry" now? Simple (at least to me) - if I can help just one person, just let one person know that some of the crap that they have had to deal with after cancer will get better - then it will make everything I went through worth it. If I can tell one person that went through a divorce that "you did everything you could, I promise you will be happier" - then it is worth it.
I am coming up on my 3rd "birthday". Next week I will celebrate three years of remission. And I will do it happier and more at peace then I ever have.
So if you wish...stick around...there will be talks of
1. Dating after the big "C" and the big "D"
2. Nutrition
3. Exercise
4. Life without a thyroid and all it produces
5. And my journey as I look into Ayurveda Medicine
Purl Pure Heart
A story of life after Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Monday, June 25, 2012
When Surviving Becomes Living...
This post has been in my head for a while, but I haven’t
known where to start. Today as I type
this I am learning how to not only be a survivor of cancer, but also a survivor
of divorce. But more importantly I am
learning to LIVE and not just survive.
As I mentioned in my post on April 27th – D had moved out and divorce was on the horizon.
Well that horizon came on May 23rd – as D filed for
divorce. Devastated could not even begin
to describe how I felt – even know I had a feeling since February that this
would be inevitable I had still held hope.
The certified papers only confirmed what I had thought was my worst fear. Fast forward one month and I can honestly say
I am in a much better place than I was in February from May.
I am not like most cancer survivors…well really, I am not
like most people; you see I was married at 19.
While I wanted that, it didn’t give me the opportunity to ever be on my
own. I moved from my parent’s house into
the apartment that I would share with my husband. While we shared the chores like cleaning and
laundry I am finding there were some things that I just never learned. One of my weaknesses is that I don’t really
know how to cook. Well, let me rephrase
that…if you want your meat done at one time, your veggies done at another, and
another side done later on…well then I am an excellent cook. This has probably been my most challenging
feat on my own. I am staying in the
house that we purchased – while it is nice to have something constant in my
world of change right now, this has brought along its own set of
challenges. My family and friends have
been so supportive in helping me out; you know when I have a straight up
breakdown at 9:30 at night because I can’t get the garage door to go down and
my father comes down to help me get it down for the night until the cable can
be repaired; followed by my Aunt and Cousin to pick up the pieces of me. Now don’t get me wrong, I have never shied
away from home repairs…but there are just some things that are beyond my knowledge. I am learning that it is OK to ask for help
and that people won’t think you are weak.
June 7th was my turning point, when I finally
came back out of my shell. I woke up
that morning extremely sad; sad that I was going to Special Olympics Summer
Games in Penn State alone (well not really alone, let me explain). My assistant coach and I had a falling out
during the off season of tennis and he decided not to return for this
season. So instead D said he will
help me coach. This was a relief because
I would be taking a male athlete up to the summer games and it is a lot easier
when there is a male coach to go along.
About two weeks before the games, D decided that he could not go. So when I woke up on June 7th, I
felt completely alone. But something
happened between my house and the IU building where I was meeting my athlete to
pick him up…I started to come back to life.
On my way to pick up my athlete I yelled at myself (hey don’t judge –
sometimes we all need to do this). I
told myself that this weekend was NOT about ME, it was about my athlete and all
of the other athletes that earned the right to go to games. I told myself that it was time to put the big
girl panties on and suck it up and deal.
And so I did. When my athlete got
in the car I asked him what music he liked…to which he responded
enthusiastically… “Praise and worship”.
My jaw hit the floor. I thought
to myself, ‘this is going to be a long hour and half drive to State College’,
for two reasons; one, I never really got in to that type of music and two, my
faith has definitely been pushed to the limits lately and while I want to get
it back, I am just not there yet. At any
rate I scanned the radio for such a station and found one. Now, while my faith has been in question, I
always have and always will believe that everything happens for a reason. For the rest of the drive I listened to the
words of the music and continued to give myself the pep talk I needed to face
the world as Renee – single.
When we arrived at Penn State, I was mentally prepared to
take on the weekend. And take it on I
did. Here is the thing about Special
Olympics Athletes – they have a way of making you feel good. The happiness that exudes is overwhelming and
you have no choice but to feel that way as well. Shannon and Kay (the directors of Area M) had
arranged for me to have a chaperon for my athlete; so I no longer had to worry
about getting him up and ready for competition.
We all had a blast that weekend and truthfully, I didn’t want it to
end. It is amazing to me how when we are
not looking for something and we think all is over and done – things change.
So since June 7th I have changed my outlook on
life – not just as a cancer survivor or a “divorcee” – but as a person in
general. I am no longer “surviving” my
life, I am living it. I am continuing my
therapy in helping me overcome the fear of the cancer, but at least now I am
doing something to help with the therapy rather than counteract it.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Sorry can not even begin...
To all of my friends and family,
First off I know this is not normally a way to apologize, but this seemed like the right way to reach everyone.
Sorry - what type of word is Sorry...does it really mean anything anymore? Well I can tell you that in my case, sorry comes from my heart. Although I am not even sure "sorry" can really cut it. For the last year I have went through an emotional roller coaster (see previous post). And in this time I have managed to strain and even ruin valuable friendships and relationships. The words that came out of my mouth were poisonous and hurtful. My head was so full of hatred. Hatred towards the cancer and the shit that I had just endured; but this hatred didn't get directed towards that, instead it came out as mean to the ones I loved the most. I alienated some of those close to me and clung way too hard to others. When you cling to one person and alienate the rest - it tends to send the clung to person running. I mean - how would you feel if one person relied solely on you to be their everything - you would feel overwhelmed.
As I get a chance to talk to each of you individually, I will apologize for the things I said to you personally. But I just needed everyone to know how truly sorry I am for how I have been this last year. To tell you the truth, I don't blame some of you for not liking me - I don't like me for how I have been.
But, moving forward - this is my vow to each and everyone of you...you will start to see the Renee that you are all use to - the positive and happy Renee. Because truthfully, that is who I am. I have always seen the positive in everything and unfortunately, I had a hard time doing that with the cancer. I feel as though all of the health issues I have had has sucked that person out - but now I am starting to realize that it was just buried - deep.
I know this may seem like a lot to ask, but I am asking each and every one of you to please give me a second chance. Please let me show you that the person you all knew and loved is coming back. Please open your hearts and let me back in - I promise I won't make the same mistake twice.
With the deepest love and regret for how I have been.
~Renee
First off I know this is not normally a way to apologize, but this seemed like the right way to reach everyone.
Sorry - what type of word is Sorry...does it really mean anything anymore? Well I can tell you that in my case, sorry comes from my heart. Although I am not even sure "sorry" can really cut it. For the last year I have went through an emotional roller coaster (see previous post). And in this time I have managed to strain and even ruin valuable friendships and relationships. The words that came out of my mouth were poisonous and hurtful. My head was so full of hatred. Hatred towards the cancer and the shit that I had just endured; but this hatred didn't get directed towards that, instead it came out as mean to the ones I loved the most. I alienated some of those close to me and clung way too hard to others. When you cling to one person and alienate the rest - it tends to send the clung to person running. I mean - how would you feel if one person relied solely on you to be their everything - you would feel overwhelmed.
As I get a chance to talk to each of you individually, I will apologize for the things I said to you personally. But I just needed everyone to know how truly sorry I am for how I have been this last year. To tell you the truth, I don't blame some of you for not liking me - I don't like me for how I have been.
But, moving forward - this is my vow to each and everyone of you...you will start to see the Renee that you are all use to - the positive and happy Renee. Because truthfully, that is who I am. I have always seen the positive in everything and unfortunately, I had a hard time doing that with the cancer. I feel as though all of the health issues I have had has sucked that person out - but now I am starting to realize that it was just buried - deep.
I know this may seem like a lot to ask, but I am asking each and every one of you to please give me a second chance. Please let me show you that the person you all knew and loved is coming back. Please open your hearts and let me back in - I promise I won't make the same mistake twice.
With the deepest love and regret for how I have been.
~Renee
Friday, April 27, 2012
1 Year After Remission
So – it’s been a while.
I realize that I have been very quiet on my blog. I tried to convince myself and everyone
around me that I was doing well since my remission report on March 25th,
2011. I have a confession…I AM
NOT!!! I won’t go into all the details
and will try to sum up the last year and few months below. From here on out this blog will be my outlet
for dealing with life after cancer – I hope that it will help others going
through the same emotional battle dealing with the aftermath as well as help my
family and friends understand just a glimpse of what I go through every day.
March 25th, 2011 – I got the remission report! I can’t even tell you how excited I was, my husband was, and everyone else who is in our lives. We celebrated – drinks and dinner with so many people. I drank my 12 year old Jameson that D & I had purchased on our trip to Ireland. Life was great…for a little while.
June 2011 – My Aunt, Cousin, and mom all helped D throw me a 30th birthday party. I can’t even express how much this meant to me. It was so wonderful to have everyone there. See, here is the thing that non-cancer people don’t realize…when a person is battling cancer, if they are as lucky as me, they have so many people around them at all times. Honestly, there wasn’t a weekend that there weren’t people at our house and there wasn’t a day that my phone didn’t have numerous phone calls and text messages coming in. But then when the remission report came, these things slowed drastically. And it is no one’s fault; I was healthy again and no one had to worry anymore…life goes on. The truth was, I wasn’t fine…the cancer spots may have been gone, but they left more than the scars on my body…they left a huge scar on my mental state. The week before my 30th birthday I mentally broke down…and D can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I lay on the kitchen floor and just cried and cried and told D that I was broken. This was a Sunday – that Monday I called my chemo nurse and asked her if they could recommend a therapist who deals with this type of thing. She did and I started seeing him on Wednesday.
I was down, down deep. The therapist and I talked about everything. At the time I was jobless, so that didn’t help anything because I was at home with too much time to think. At the same time of all of these emotions with me, I was in a perpetual fight with my best friend and his girlfriend. I couldn’t wrap my head around why her and I didn’t get along and I let it eat away at me…so much so, that my therapy sessions that were to be about my fears of living after cancer became sessions on how to mend the situation. Needless to say, this didn’t help anything.
In this time all I could talk about was buying a new car, buying a bigger house, and getting the new diamond setting for my engagement ring. I was so focused on these things…I thought they would make it all better. Now, after many therapy sessions, I have learned that this is “normal”. After people survive cancer, they want to speed through life. And it is true – I always thought that I had a lifetime to get that bigger house, buy that nicer car, etc…but once I got cancer and survived, all I wanted to do was fast forward and shove 40 years of a future into the present. I don’t think I have to tell anyone, the stress that this can cause with a couple. Now, not only did my caregiver have to be there to try and pick up the pieces of me left over from cancer, but now I was asking him to provide things we just financially weren’t ready to take on.
February 2012 –
February 12th to be exact.
This day will have forever have changed my life. I knew that I had been having a lot of
emotional difficulties with dealing with life after cancer…and so blindly I
leaned on my husband as my rock, my one true, my support. Now, I know that some of you will say “well
yeah, that is what spouses are for”, and I will agree with you to a certain
extent. However, in the condition I have
been in, I also should have been going to a therapist and my husband shouldn’t
have been bottling everything up inside, however, it happened and we are
here. Doug had been acting a little
strange since his birthday in November, but had become stranger in the week
leading up to 2/12/12. On that Sunday I
sat down with him and asked him what was going on. And that is when it happened – my world
crumbled. He told me that he wasn’t sure
about a lot of things in his life anymore and that I was one of them. He wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. I cried, I screamed, I just couldn’t
deal. On Valentine’s Day – a day when most couples show their love
for one another – we started individual counseling. And our world hasn’t been the same since.
March 25th, 2011 – I got the remission report! I can’t even tell you how excited I was, my husband was, and everyone else who is in our lives. We celebrated – drinks and dinner with so many people. I drank my 12 year old Jameson that D & I had purchased on our trip to Ireland. Life was great…for a little while.
June 2011 – My Aunt, Cousin, and mom all helped D throw me a 30th birthday party. I can’t even express how much this meant to me. It was so wonderful to have everyone there. See, here is the thing that non-cancer people don’t realize…when a person is battling cancer, if they are as lucky as me, they have so many people around them at all times. Honestly, there wasn’t a weekend that there weren’t people at our house and there wasn’t a day that my phone didn’t have numerous phone calls and text messages coming in. But then when the remission report came, these things slowed drastically. And it is no one’s fault; I was healthy again and no one had to worry anymore…life goes on. The truth was, I wasn’t fine…the cancer spots may have been gone, but they left more than the scars on my body…they left a huge scar on my mental state. The week before my 30th birthday I mentally broke down…and D can tell you, it wasn’t pretty. I lay on the kitchen floor and just cried and cried and told D that I was broken. This was a Sunday – that Monday I called my chemo nurse and asked her if they could recommend a therapist who deals with this type of thing. She did and I started seeing him on Wednesday.
I was down, down deep. The therapist and I talked about everything. At the time I was jobless, so that didn’t help anything because I was at home with too much time to think. At the same time of all of these emotions with me, I was in a perpetual fight with my best friend and his girlfriend. I couldn’t wrap my head around why her and I didn’t get along and I let it eat away at me…so much so, that my therapy sessions that were to be about my fears of living after cancer became sessions on how to mend the situation. Needless to say, this didn’t help anything.
August 2011 – I finally
got a job!!! I thought “I am cured – I have
a purpose and self-worth again”; not to mention the fact that I didn’t want to
start a new job and have to take time off for therapy sessions…so I stopped.
September 2011 –
January 2012 – Life went on. I was
busy at work. D and I were
entertaining a lot, visiting friends, going to games, etc. In this time, I could feel something was
wrong inside of me. I thought that it
was just inside of me and I wasn’t projecting it. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I
was “off”. I chalked a lot of it up to
the fact that I lost my best friend…I had driven a wedge so far between us
because his girlfriend and I couldn’t get along, that all contact stopped. D had mentioned a couple times that he
thought that I was so negative…I thought he meant about that particular
situation, but hind sight 20/20, he was trying to tell me that the feelings I
was having inside were coming out. In this time all I could talk about was buying a new car, buying a bigger house, and getting the new diamond setting for my engagement ring. I was so focused on these things…I thought they would make it all better. Now, after many therapy sessions, I have learned that this is “normal”. After people survive cancer, they want to speed through life. And it is true – I always thought that I had a lifetime to get that bigger house, buy that nicer car, etc…but once I got cancer and survived, all I wanted to do was fast forward and shove 40 years of a future into the present. I don’t think I have to tell anyone, the stress that this can cause with a couple. Now, not only did my caregiver have to be there to try and pick up the pieces of me left over from cancer, but now I was asking him to provide things we just financially weren’t ready to take on.
March – present –
So as I write this, I am alone. Our once
1200 square foot house has become a hollow mansion. My husband and I are separated and divorce
seems to be on the horizons. I am an
empty shell of myself. Every day I
cry. I didn’t know that the human body
could produce that many tears. I want so
bad to save my marriage, but I truly think I broke it so badly.
For the people who know us – this news will be quite a
shock. Believe me, I am still in
shock. And some may ask why I write
about this. I have thought long and hard
about it, but if my little blog about how people deal with cancer and life
after cancer can help at least one person seek help before it is too late –
then it will be all worth it. I don’t
intend to go into all of the intricacies and personal conversations that have
happened; that would not be fair. But I
feel it is important that others going through what I am going through don’t
feel as alone as I do.
I am so tired – tired of fighting. For thirty years I have struggled with health
issue after health issue…and now this mental health issue is too much. I feel like I am letting everyone who knows
me that I am letting them down by admitting all of this, but I just can’t do it
anymore. I am not the strong survivor
that everyone thought I was and for that I am sorry. At this point I don’t know if I will ever be
Renee again, but I want to try. And like
I said – hopefully I will be able to help at least one other cancer survivor going
through this feel as though they are not alone.
I may not post everyday – but I hope to post enough to be helpful.
And for my friends and family reading this, please don’t
feel sorry for me – I did this, I let my thoughts get to me and sought help
deep into feeling this way. I am truly
sorry to let everyone down, but this is my life today and I need to learn how
to cope.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Free at last!!!!!!!
March 25th, 2011 - another very important date for the memory banks...the day a weight was lifted off my shoulders!! I AM IN REMISSION!!!! Yes - you read that right!!! Finally - after a very long year and a half, the doctors have safely announced that I am in REMISSION!!!
When I was walking out of the room at the doctor's today my chemo nurse, Renee (small world) - gave a big hug and congratulated me...I started to cry - not because I am sad, but because I am just so happy. I have never been the happy crying type - but apparently today I became the type. Dr. Gareis said "She's crying..." and Renee told her that it was just tears of joy.
I had already had plans to meet with the "Ladies who Lunch" for a tea party for the little girls today. When I announced the news - my cousin, Nicole ran to her garage and came back with a cake that had the word "Survivor" written on it! Craziness!! It is amazing to me that I have this many wonderful people in my life. I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, love, and support!! Even when there were days where I just was out of sorts - I could always count on one of you to say or do something that in your eyes was nothing but in mine was tremendous!!!
The nurses at the doctors are setting up for me to have my Medi-Port removed. Next week I will get the call on when that will happen. And that will officially end this crazy chapter of my life. And let me tell you - I am very ready to go on to the next chapter!!! As I am sure D is as well. I can only imagine the stress that this has had on him as well. I could not have asked for a more awesome husband though - he has truly been my rock through everything!!
There are many more thank yous to be handed out - just not today...I need to go put on my "Survivor" shirt, drink my 12 year old Jameson that I got in Ireland just for this occasion, and celebrate!!!!
When I was walking out of the room at the doctor's today my chemo nurse, Renee (small world) - gave a big hug and congratulated me...I started to cry - not because I am sad, but because I am just so happy. I have never been the happy crying type - but apparently today I became the type. Dr. Gareis said "She's crying..." and Renee told her that it was just tears of joy.
I had already had plans to meet with the "Ladies who Lunch" for a tea party for the little girls today. When I announced the news - my cousin, Nicole ran to her garage and came back with a cake that had the word "Survivor" written on it! Craziness!! It is amazing to me that I have this many wonderful people in my life. I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, love, and support!! Even when there were days where I just was out of sorts - I could always count on one of you to say or do something that in your eyes was nothing but in mine was tremendous!!!
The nurses at the doctors are setting up for me to have my Medi-Port removed. Next week I will get the call on when that will happen. And that will officially end this crazy chapter of my life. And let me tell you - I am very ready to go on to the next chapter!!! As I am sure D is as well. I can only imagine the stress that this has had on him as well. I could not have asked for a more awesome husband though - he has truly been my rock through everything!!
There are many more thank yous to be handed out - just not today...I need to go put on my "Survivor" shirt, drink my 12 year old Jameson that I got in Ireland just for this occasion, and celebrate!!!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Surgeon Appointment
Just a quick update...
I was able to get in to see the surgeon today (thank you to whomever canceled their appointment that made this possible). I will be going Monday, March 14th to have my left thyroid removed. I have never been more excited for a surgery...as I am really hoping that this will end this chapter in the cancer battle. This weekend I will be shopping for jello and broth.
I was able to get in to see the surgeon today (thank you to whomever canceled their appointment that made this possible). I will be going Monday, March 14th to have my left thyroid removed. I have never been more excited for a surgery...as I am really hoping that this will end this chapter in the cancer battle. This weekend I will be shopping for jello and broth.
Friday, March 4, 2011
3/3/11 PET Scan
Well - the PET Scan results are in...the 12 year old Jameson I had planned on drinking when I heard the "R" word will have to age a little more.
Unfortunately - the "hot spot" on my left thyroid that has been lighting up and they have been monitoring decided to change a little. There is an increased activity level since the last scan. Apparently so much so that my hem-onc would like me to call on Monday to see the surgeon. She would not venture anything past me seeing the surgeon; which means I don't know anything else past that. I don't know if the surgery will remove everything or if I will need any type of treatment after surgery. Right now everything is a blur.
Sorry to leave everyone with that news. I will post more once I know. Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying, thinking good thoughts, etc...I have never felt like I was worthy enough to have the love and support I do have - it has been amazing.
The plan for the weekend is to do some house renovations and keep my mind off of it.
Unfortunately - the "hot spot" on my left thyroid that has been lighting up and they have been monitoring decided to change a little. There is an increased activity level since the last scan. Apparently so much so that my hem-onc would like me to call on Monday to see the surgeon. She would not venture anything past me seeing the surgeon; which means I don't know anything else past that. I don't know if the surgery will remove everything or if I will need any type of treatment after surgery. Right now everything is a blur.
Sorry to leave everyone with that news. I will post more once I know. Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying, thinking good thoughts, etc...I have never felt like I was worthy enough to have the love and support I do have - it has been amazing.
The plan for the weekend is to do some house renovations and keep my mind off of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)