Purl Pure Heart

Free at last!!!!!!!

2011-03-25T15:49:00.000-04:00

March 25th, 2011 - another very important date for the memory banks...the day a weight was lifted off my shoulders!! I AM CANCER FREE!!!! Yes - you read that right!!! Finally - after a very long year and a half, the doctors have safely announced that I am FREE!!!

When I was walking out of the room at the doctor's today my chemo nurse, Renee (small world) - gave a big hug and congratulated me...I started to cry - not because I am sad, but because I am just so happy. I have never been the happy crying type - but apparently today I became the type. Dr. Gareis said "She's crying..." and Renee told her that it was just tears of joy.

I had already had plans to meet with the "Ladies who Lunch" for a tea party for the little girls today. When I announced the news - my cousin, Nicole ran to her garage and came back with a cake that had the word "Survivor" written on it! Craziness!! It is amazing to me that I have this many wonderful people in my life. I want to thank all of you for all of your kind words, love, and support!! Even when there were days where I just was out of sorts - I could always count on one of you to say or do something that in your eyes was nothing but in mine was tremendous!!!

The nurses at the doctors are setting up for me to have my Medi-Port removed. Next week I will get the call on when that will happen. And that will officially end this crazy chapter of my life. And let me tell you - I am very ready to go on to the next chapter!!! As I am sure Doug is as well. I can only imagine the stress that this has had on him as well. I could not have asked for a more awesome husband though - he has truly been my rock through everything!!

There are many more thank yous to be handed out - just not today...I need to go put on my "Survivor" shirt, drink my 12 year old Jameson that I got in Ireland just for this occasion, and celebrate!!!!

Surgeon Appointment

2011-03-09T11:35:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update...

I was able to get in to see the surgeon today (thank you to whomever canceled their appointment that made this possible). I will be going Monday, March 14th to have my left thyroid removed. I have never been more excited for a surgery...as I am really hoping that this will end this chapter in the cancer battle. This weekend I will be shopping for jello and broth.

3/3/11 PET Scan

2011-03-04T17:53:00.000-05:00

Well - the PET Scan results are in...the 12 year old Jameson I had planned on drinking when I heard the "R" word will have to age a little more.

Unfortunately - the "hot spot" on my left thyroid that has been lighting up and they have been monitoring decided to change a little. There is an increased activity level since the last scan. Apparently so much so that my hem-onc would like me to call on Monday to see the surgeon. She would not venture anything past me seeing the surgeon; which means I don't know anything else past that. I don't know if the surgery will remove everything or if I will need any type of treatment after surgery. Right now everything is a blur.

Sorry to leave everyone with that news. I will post more once I know. Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying, thinking good thoughts, etc...I have never felt like I was worthy enough to have the love and support I do have - it has been amazing.

The plan for the weekend is to do some house renovations and keep my mind off of it.

Hem Onc Visit - 1/14/11

2011-01-14T12:55:00.000-05:00

As many of you know I met with my hem-onc doctor today. As with all of my appointments with her I hold out high hopes that maybe just maybe this will be the appointment that I hear the words “you are cancer free”. Today was not that day…

The great news first…all of my blood counts are up!!! And for the first time none of them are in the red. I think This is wonderful – this is the day she is going to tell me that I and cancer free. So I say to her “All I want is to hear that “r” word.” She looks as me as though I just told a puppy to sit. I explain to her that I want that “remission”. I say “everyone else I know has gotten it why can’t I” – as though I am a pre-teen girl asking for the latest designer jeans. Here is how that conversation went…

Dr: Well, Renee “technically you can be considered in remission because you are not actively getting treatment.

Me: So I am cancer free??? (Glimmers of hope) What about the hot spots on the last Pet Scan??

Dr: Well…no you are not quite cancer free. The next Pet Scan will helps us with that.

Me: Oh – I see, and when can I have that done.

Dr: Well (she says well A LOT), you just had the one in November so it will have to be March.

Me: (Not said out loud, but thinking) MARCH – REALLY – MARCH!!!!! Are you freakin’ kidding me!!!! I hate this limbo shit!!!

Dr: (Obvious that even though I didn’t say anything – my body language did) Renee – you really need to stop living in fear of the cancer and just live normally.

Me: I am…I keep very active I am trying new things like skiing… but I trail off and stop talking then say thank you for the appointment.

So…live normally huh?!?! I thought that was what I have been doing for the last year

That I have been dealing with all of this. I am trying to live normal…I go to gym or workout at home, I have started taking classes, I am learning new things, and on the job hunt. However, sometimes it is hard to feel “normal” when I go to gym and do what is an average workout and hear “are you alright, you look absolutely exhausted” or every day when I take my clothes off there is this large port sticking out of my chest. These stupid little reminders drive me crazy.

To sum it up – I could technically be in remission, but I am not cancer free and I will not know until March…March 3rd to be exact – that is the Pet Scan. Yes – I know I could have just said this sentence at the beginning, but what fun would that be.

Oh and since I have you all tuned in…please hit me up if you want a friend to pal around with or are going to do some really cool outdoor activity. I haven’t had a lot of friend interaction lately – I think it is starting to show…I have been a little grumpy to poor Mr. Doug and he doesn’t deserve that!

Love you all!

One Year...

2010-12-15T09:12:00.000-05:00

One year ago today – my life changed forever!!! At 3:30 pm on this day last year I received the call that made me look at and live life a little differently – but then again, the words “you have cancer” have a way of doing that.

A lot has changed since last year. If you would have told me that I would be sitting at home on a weekday in the morning writing this blog – I would have told you that you were crazy. But here we are…in my living room “resting”. I suppose I should catch everyone up, as I have been terrible at updating my blog.

Since my September post life has been anything less than interesting. In October my husband and I took the trip of a lifetime…we went to Ireland!!! Words can not even express and pictures do show just how beautiful Ireland truly is. We flew into Dublin, stayed in Dublin for two nights and proceeded to tour the southern part of Ireland on a self driven and guided tour of Ireland for 9 days; flying out of Shannon. We loved every minute of the trip and it was first trip we have ever taken that we really didn’t want to come home from. If we could pick up and move there – we would. The way of life is just so much more laid back there. Health wise – Ireland was literally what the doctor ordered. On October 28th I met with Dr. Gareis. She said that Ireland had done a world of good…my numbers were all up and she said I even looked better. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could move to Ireland until the cancer is all gone…dream!!

At the same October appointment I scheduled another PET scan. I’m telling you – between the radiation treatments and all of the scans, I am my own night light!!! The scan on November 2nd showed that there are still high levels of activity in the left side of my neck and thyroid area. UGH!!!! With this news I gave in and had the needle biopsy and ultra sound on November 10th. The needle biopsy into the thyroid came back ok, however during the ultrasound they found a darker mass behind the thyroid…so this means there is still some residual cancer, but it has not spread. I will have another PET scan in January. I believe that this will be the scan that they determine what treatment will be done if it is still showing high levels of activity.

November was a crazy month. One week after my biopsy I got the word that my position at the company I was with was being abolished and would be replaced with a higher position. Everyone has said this was a blessing in disguise – that now after all of my fighting and working to heal that I get to rest. Um, okay…that’s one way to look at it. So here I am “resting”!!!

One year later…I’m still battling this little thing called cancer – but trying to fight as hard as I can. Funny what a year does!!!

Quick update from Dr's appt

2010-09-17T12:23:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to write a quick update from the doctor’s appointment I had today. The appointment was to go over the results of the CT scan from Tuesday. As the phone call from the doctor’s office had stated – there are no new masses. This is wonderful news!!!! So now I just need to pray and convince my body to keep the cancer where it is!! Dr. Gareis and I also talked more about the results from the PET scan in July. She showed me the report – and there it was in black and white – “high levels of abnormal activity in the left thyroid”. I know that the doctors have already told me this, but I just think the impact is so much greater in black and white. Yes the doctor’s told me there was still cancer, but truthfully in the back of mind I kept on thinking that maybe they read the report wrong. No such luck.

Dr Gareis then suggested having a needle biopsy done. I have had one of these in the past (back when the whole cancer possibility started). These are very nerve racking things!! No matter how “use to” needles I am – it is a little scary to have six or so needles shoved into my neck!!! I declined to have this biopsy done. And here is my reasoning behind it – confirmed by the doctor, there would not be any action taken from the results of the biopsy, it would simply be yet another test. No treatment action is going to take place until after the PET scan in November. My body is already worn out – why should I subject myself to yet another test.

We talked a little more about the tiredness and overall “not feeling well”. The doctor believes that it is a combination of the Lymphoma, the thyroid, and the stress. I told her that my biggest worry is that people (including myself) look at me and think that I should be able to do anything because I am currently not going through any treatments. The doctor said that this is normal and that it is going to take my body a while to come back to where it was.

My next appointment is the week after we return from Ireland. From there we will schedule the PET scan for the first week of November. Until then…living life. The doctor said that the trip will do me a world of good and will help me “escape” for a little.

We now tune back to our regularly happy self…sorry for the down time…

Update & brutal honesty...

2010-09-15T15:10:00.000-04:00

*Pre-read warning…the following was written on August 31st – before my appointment with Dr Gareis…to skip to the results…please scroll down to “Post Dr Visit”. I also will apologize to those of you who always say how strong I am…because this post shows that I have weak moments.

So – I am not sure who reads this anymore but truthfully I just need to write to get it all out. I am going to be “Captain Obvious” here for a minute…CANCER SUCKS!!!!! I haven’t written anything in a while because really I have been just trying to live life. Well guess what…it hasn’t been easy. I have been seriously considering visiting a cancer support group. To anyone who knows me, they know this means I am at the end of my rope. The last support group I went to was when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. As a side note – I don’t really tell people that I even have that anymore…reason being…the “support” group. That had to be the worst support group!!! Rather than trying to help one another or find things to help ease the pain the night was just a bitch fest. One time I tried to teach them yoga and each and every one of them had some excuse why they couldn’t even try it. Anyway I digress…

The plan was that I would repress this whole cancer business until October when I go for my second PET scan that will help determine the next round of treatments. Yeah well – that’s not going so well. My body reminds me EVERY day that I have cancer. I hate my body – it is evil!!!! I have always been a firm believer in mind of matter (or mind over body); this time the body is trying very hard to win.

First – let’s start with that lovely brain of mine…or lack thereof. I am so f’ing scattered brained anymore. I can’t even tell you how difficult it is for me to form sentences for this post. I forget everything – even shit I did a couple hours ago. They really weren’t joking about “chemo brain”. Here is the hardest part…my job…financial controller…requires me to be on top of my game, organized, ability to multi-task, and well function as a smart individual. This is even harder being that I just started my new job less than three months ago. Every day is a struggle in this high stress position. If I forget to do something it could cost the company. I come home every day completely and utterly exhausted. Doug & I have discussed me looking for another job or quitting all together. But really – who is going to hire a girl with cancer - not to mention the fact that I love our life and cutting out my portion of income would truly change everything. Heck, the only reason I switched jobs when I did was because the doctors felt confident that the treatments worked and I would be cancer free. I feel stuck!!! I wonder how other cancer patients manage to hold down full time position, because I feel like I am drowning.

Second – my body. My body is so worn out. I cried and cried to Doug the other night…because I feel like my body it telling me “I have had enough with you pushing me around – you either start listening or I am shutting down”. Doug even said that I look like it too. But how do I do this??? How do I just stop?? I can’t stop, that’s not me. I NEED to be active, I NEED to keep going. I have always had a terrible self body image, but working out always helped to keep me going because I was doing something about the way I looked. Now I am lucky if I can go to the gym three nights week…mind you that is my goal now…I have yet to do that since the onset of all of this. My problem is that I keep thinking about what I use to be able to do. The pre-cancer Renee went to the gym 5-6 times a week. The post-cancer Renee can only dream of that. I was running the other night on the treadmill and had to stop because I almost passed out. I thought that maybe this was just an anomaly, but I was running outside on Sunday and it happened again. Only this time I was more scared because I was a mile or so away from the house, Doug was away, and I didn’t have anything on me (phone, ID). I mean, wouldn’t that have been great for someone to walk outside and find me passed out in their front lawn. Ridiculous!!!

Third – body & mind. The two of these combined is wreaking havoc on my psyche. Every day has become an internal battle. My body says “you are too tired to go run, weight lift, play tennis, etc…” but my mind says “get up off the couch you lazy bum, cancer is no excuse, we have beat so much already, we can do this.” And then there is the emotional toll that this internal battle is taking on me and everyone around me. I am a bitch almost all of the time because I am just so tired. I can feel myself alienating people in my life.

Post Dr. Appointment…

As I stated (or admitted) I have been somewhat down lately. Doug was very concerned, as was I and that prompted me to make an appointment with Dr. Gareis. We met with the doctor on September 2nd. The appointment went well; they did my blood counts, lectured, and set me up for a CT scan. First – my blood counts are improving all the time and Dr. Gareis seemed very pleased. Second – the lecture. I knew it was coming and if you read the top half of this post, you could probably make a fairly good assessment of what was said. Apparently – and hold your sounds of astonishment – but I need to slow down. She said that I am expecting way too much from my body right now. I was told that I need to build up to doing things at the gym and only do the treadmill, or bike, or elliptical for 15 minutes a day and progress from there. WHAT?!?!...15 minutes…well now what the hell is that going to accomplish?? A lot actually – it will still give me the sense of doing something – but letting my body fully recover. The hardest thing for me to comprehend is that even though the chemo and radiation has stopped being administered, it is still very much a part of my body and is still working hard. Unfortunately and fortunately Doug came to this appointment with me. Unfortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do and fortunately because he now knows what the doctor wants me to do…double edge sword there. After all of the “lecturing” was done she set me up for a CT scan to see if any new masses have grown. GOOD NEWS….I went for a CT scan yesterday and it showed NO NEW masses. So our only concern is still the hot spot in my left thyroid, which I have to wait for the 2nd PET scan in November anyway.

So – that’s that. I go back to Dr. Gareis on Friday for a follow-up. Every day is different, some days I feel great and others not so much…but I am still here and that is what is important. Hopefully in a few weeks the stress from my job will lower some as I have hired an assistant. And in less than a month Doug and I will be off traveling around Ireland.

I have decided that I AM going to attend the American Cancer Society’s support group on the first Tuesday of the month. I need to, not just for me, but for those around me. I am hoping that talking about my experience with other cancer patients will help me leave that part of me in that room and not have it on my mind 24/7. But I will say this – if I don't think it helps, I will not continue. I need happy and upbeat!!!!

Cancer is something that happens…but it doesn’t have to become who we are!!!!!

Quack!!

2010-07-23T14:01:00.000-04:00

Quack!!! I am a sitting duck…or at least that is what I feel like. I met with the surgeon today. He looked at my vocal cords and voice box. He believes that they are fine and the abnormalities are a residual from the radiation and chemo. However – that still leaves the left thyroid that is showing “high levels of activity (cancer)”. He didn’t have the PET scan in front of him but said that there is no way they can remove the thyroid this close to post treatments. I said “but, the high levels of activity…I just want it gone” – but they are unable to do that. Don't get me wrong - I am very happy that the surgeon feels the abnormalities of the vocal chords and voice box are not cancerous. I'm very grateful that it is not spreading.

I have a call into Mona – a physician’s assistant at Andrews & Patel. I just need to talk to someone. I don’t like not knowing and have always been an “I want it yesterday” kind of person. I knew from the beginning that the doctors most likely wouldn’t do any action off of the first PET scan – they told me that…but I also didn’t think the scan would come back with the results it did.

You see – when I was getting chemo and radiation, I was “doing something” to fight the cancer. Just “living my life” (doctors advice) post scan results is hard. I want to be “doing something” to fight this high activity level of cancer activity in my thyroid area!!! What the hell doc’s – please – I feel helpless.

So anyway – when Mona calls I will talk to her about how to live my life normally knowing the information I know, when the next PET scan will be, and if it is safe to book my Ireland trip for October. More info to some as I get it.

As always thank you all so much for your support, love, prayers, and thoughts!!

July 16th, 2010

2010-07-16T20:55:00.000-04:00

July 16, 2010 – another date to go in the memory banks. I called the doctor’s office this morning to see if they had the results from my PET scan in. They did. The woman told me that the doctor was out of the office today, but she would put a call into them…I told her that I did not care who called me, a doctor, a PA, a nurse, or even a medical assistant, I just wanted to know the results. Well, that’s what I get for wanting to know so bad…a PA (physician’s assistant) returned my call. It seems that the cancer is as stubborn as I am!!! There is a lot of activity going on in the left thyroid (only one I have left). Which means the fucking cancer is not gone!!!! (Pardon my French – but it makes me mad).

I asked what this meant. In the past, we had talked about the first scan after treatment. The plan then was to hold off on any treatment until a second scan was done further out from radiation. However, that was considering the scan was done at 6 weeks out from radiation. It has actually been 11 weeks out from radiation, so the scan results should not have any residual radiation interference and are pretty concrete. The PA said she was going to put an urgent message into Dr. Gareis to call me. Unfortunately I did not hear from her today. On Monday, July 19th I hope to find out the plan of attack. I was told before that if there was a chance the first round of treatments didn’t get all of the cancer; I would do all chemo the next round. A person is only allowed to have a certain amount of radiation in a certain time period.

So there it is folks…looks like I am not done fighting just yet. All of this just when I was getting use to the blonde hair coming in. I told Doug that maybe this time it will come in red!!! I ask that you not feel sorry for me. I am strong and will get through this. I do ask however, that you won’t be a stranger –I think I am going to need some of my peeps by my side. And please make sure that Doug is doing ok. He is my rock, but I know inside he is mush…his eyes have so much sorrow in them. I love you all very much and thank you for everything – every word, every prayer, every thought – everything!!!!

Small Update...

2010-07-13T19:45:00.000-04:00

So I guess it’s been a while huh?? Well – I am still here, and I am still kicking (pretty hard actually). Let’s see since my last blog entry in May…

I had my appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st. He released me from his care and told me he never had to see me again, unless I needed him. One doctor down… On June 18th-19th I had the honor of participating in the Relay for Life. I have participated years before, but never as a team captain and more importantly, never as survivor. My cousin Robyn (skin cancer survivor), and my cousin Kim (breast cancer survivor) walked the survivor lap with me. Let me just tell you – I have never felt more proud and honored to be in such great company as I did at that moment!!! How amazing that all three of us stood up to cancer and told it what was what. Kim & Robyn – I love you both so much and both of you have been such an inspiration; not only with how you faced cancer, but how you have faced life.

The three survivors!!!

I also had the honor of being one of the speakers at this year’s Luminaria ceremony during Relay. At the ceremony four survivors read the meaning behind each letter in the word “Hope” I read for the letter “e”. I cannot even begin to tell you how nervous I was. My biggest fear was that I would break down and start crying half way through the ready. Not so – I actually made it through without shaking, tears shed or anything else. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Those who came out to support me and our team were just awesome. I had no idea the amount of support I had!!! Relay was such a blast!!! I can’t wait to do it again next year!!

At the Luminaria Ceremony

One of the biggest changes since my last post is that I have a new job. Woohoo!!!! Without divulging too much information I will say that this was a much needed change. My previous employer was not very nice and we will leave it at that. I am still a financial controller – just making more money and actually enjoying coming to work now. The first month has been a little stressful, not just because it is new job, but I am pretty much setting up the accounting practices for the new company and cleaning up what accounting was done. I am pretty much done by the end of the day – as the tiredness of the treatments still has not quite wore off; but I think it’s improving.

I am still playing softball and have even managed to get back to the gym. I started working out with a good friend, so that helps to keep me motivated. Even on my most tired days I still go so as to not let her down. I am so weak!! At least from what I was before, but I know this will change. We all know I have always been “I wanted it yesterday” kind of girl – but if anything this cancer has taught me is that not everything happens right away – just have patience.

Last Thursday, July 8th, I went for a follow-up with the hem-onc doctor. My blood work was good and the doctor was very pleased with my counts. Tomorrow I will go to have my first PET scan since treatments began. I am extremely nervous about this. I know the doctor has told me to live my life as if I am cancer free – but it is hard. Day to day life isn’t hard because well it goes so fast and I don’t have a lot of time to think about things. The hard part is planning ahead. I am so afraid that I will be going along as if everything is a-okay and then WHAM!!! – the doctors will tell me the cancer didn’t go away or came back and I am going to have to fight the fight again. From what I am told, this feeling is normal in all cancer survivors and it is something that I will need to learn to not think that way.

My hair is growing back now. I have retired the wig. With summer fully upon us – I could no longer take wearing it. This led me to tell my new employer about the cancer. I didn’t disclose it before I got the job because I wanted to get hired for my own merits and I didn’t want them to have to worry about discriminating against me. For the two weeks that they didn’t know – I felt terrible – I felt as though I was living a lie. This cancer is a part of who I am and how I live life. It was a very liberating feeling telling them. Not to mention the fact that they are all so supportive of me!!! Work was the only place I was wearing the wig – so it felt good to just be me after I told them. I am truly shocked at the compliments that I have been receiving about my hair. So many people, strangers and friends, have said how cute my hair looks. It is still hard to take the compliment – I look in the mirror and think “cancer patient” and not “cute”…but I do appreciate the compliments.

That’s life – for now. I promise to update as soon as I know the results from the scan. Until then – thank you for reading and caring!!!

Living Life...

2010-05-17T13:32:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes – I know I am terrible at updating…I’m sorry. I get so wrapped up in living life that I forget to write about it.

First things first…the important information…I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!!! In all caps – just in case you questioned how excited I am. Tuesday, April 27th was my last radiation treatment!!!! I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Milito on June 1st just to see how I am doing off of the radiation. I can not tell you how excited I am to not have to be strapped down to a table by my head and lay there while large amounts of radiation are shot to my neck. Doesn’t sound so appealing does it???

They let me keep my radiation mask…I think it is only fitting that I have a little destroying ceremony. So at the Relay for Life, June 18th-19th everyone on the team will get to help cut up the mask into itty bitty pieces…and each piece destroyed will represent the cancer that was destroyed!!!

On Thursday, May 13th I had a follow up with my hem-onc doctor, Dr. Gareis. They checked my port and took blood. My port is still functioning well; which is good since I will need to keep it for at least another 4 months. Dr. Gareis is very pleased with how my levels are coming up since radiation. I will go back to see her on July 8th and we will schedule my first post treatment PET scan. This scan will be the base scan of which the one following it (3-4 months) will be compared to. It will be at this time they will determine if I am cancer free or if more chemo is necessary. I think we all know what outcome I am praying for!!!! Dr. Gareis told me to not worry about the next couple of months and to live my life as though there is no cancer. That is the plan!!! I wasn’t going to celebrate being cancer free until I got that PET scan, but I don’t think I can wait that long to celebrate the big accomplishment I have already made!!! Party to come soon.

So since radiation is over I am trying to get back to life pre-cancer. Or at least what will be the new normal. As far as work – my doctor wanted me to ease back into full days for the Month of May and by June I will be back to 40 hours a week. The fatigue is the biggest battle right now. I am pretty good at ignoring pain and fatigue…but this type of fatigue only gets ignored for so long. I can’t wait for the days of leaving work, heading to the gym, and then home for dinner and household chores. I have been averaging 1-2 days at the gym per week. Last week I played five innings of softball!! All in good time is what I keep telling myself. This past week I could feel my energy level draining day by day. By Saturday I was beat and still had the weekend to get through. I made it through. And I would like to apologize to Doug for being so cranky…I will admit that when I get that tired – I am not a nice person to be around.

I’m trying really hard to grow the little peach fuzz on the top of my head. I can not wait to not have to wear this wig to work anymore. When I am at home or friends I let the peach fuzz free; out in public I wear a hat; and playing sports or at the gym I wear a bandana. Yesterday I was at Target and was completely stunned by a woman who came up to me and said “I like your hair style. It’s very cool (temperature) for this weather. I am going to get mine done like that.” I was completely stunned – I had no idea what to say. It wasn’t until she walked away that I processed it. I mean really?!?! What should I have said – “thank you” or should I have totally stunned her back and said “yeah you should never let chemo be your hair stylist.” Crazy!!! I was wearing a hat and when I have a hat on it is clear there is no hair there!!! Oh well.

So that’s pretty much it for now – just living life post cancer treatments. And trying really hard not to tick Doug off too much when I am tired and cranky. Just have to find that balance until my stamina returns.

So close...yet so far away...

2010-04-21T17:22:00.000-04:00

So close – yet so far away…that is what I feel like right now!!! Sunday during my tennis practice I started losing my voice; which is very hard when you’re the coach!! Sunday night I felt worse, my throat was very sore and I was so fatigued. Monday I woke up running a fever. I stayed home from work and had my mom drive me to radiation. Now anyone who knows me knows I have to be feeling pretty damn bad to ask for help. I told the radiation techs how I was feeling and they had me see the doctor after treatment. Dr. Milito told me that I needed to be off and resting for the next couple of days.

Which brings us to today…I walked into Oakwood Cancer Center feeling like crap, but hoping that the doctor would let me continue treatments. No go!! He feels that I am not strong enough yet and has ordered me to take off and rest more. I will go back on Monday to be re-evaluated. He also told me that I need to drink some Ensure or Boost because I am in danger of becoming malnourished. I never in a million years thought I would ever have that problem!! I told him I would try to eat more – because Ensure and Boost suck!!! Have you ever had one?!?! They are awful!! When my Grandmother was sick (from her cancer) we would always tell her that she needed to drink those…I now wish to say I am sorry for ever trying to get her to drink those!! They are so chalky! Anyway…I am going to try and eat some soups to get some nutrients. I was drinking V8 but because my throat is so raw, I can not have anything acidic.

So that is where I am at…two treatments away from being done with radiation and I get so run down and run a 100.6 fever! My body hates me!!! So I will be home for the next few days…bored…if anyone is interested on saying hello.

Just another little speed bump in the road to recovery…this too shall pass!!!

This day five years ago

2010-04-18T08:59:00.000-04:00

*Written yesterday - April 17th - but fell asleep before posting...

Five years ago today our family lost a wonderful person…Grandmother. Five years ago today our family stood in the room at Harrisburg Hospital, watched and listened to the Priest read our Grandmother her last rights. Five years ago today my cousin Robyn and I held Grandmothers hand and told her it was ok and we all would take care of Grandfather. It was five years ago today that Grandmother lost her battle to cancer.

My Grandmother was a wonderful, wonderful woman! She was a wife, a mother of three, a Grandmother of four, and at the time a Great-Grandmother of one. She was also a breast cancer survivor; a survivor back when there weren’t a lot of them around. Unfortunately later in life she had to meet up with that nasty six letter word again. Many of my friends and family have said how much they admire me for how I have handled my cancer…well – I owe it all to Grandmother. Her courage, strength and grace were something of wonder. You could see she was in pain by the look on her eyes, but the smile on her face and the hugs and kisses she had for you would divert you away from that. She went into the hospital for what seemed like a routine biopsy surgery – but her body was just not strong enough. She came out of surgery very frail and weak. And the next couple of days were hard on everyone. But five years ago today, Grandmother left this world and entered a world of no more pain & no more cancer!

Today – we celebrate her life. Today the family met up (which in these hectic times is something of a miracle). We went to the Allentown Farmer’s market, to the cemetery, and out to lunch…all while celebrating life. This trip was different…on this trip we had three cancer survivors; my cousin Kim a breast cancer survivor, my cousin Robyn a skin cancer survivor, and me. How awesome to have sat at the lunch table and talked about how we are all still here to celebrate life.

Aunt Penny pulled Kim & I aside at the cemetery and told us how Grandmother was looking down upon us and would be so proud of how we have handled our diagnoses’. She told us that we have faced our cancers with strength, courage, and grace – just like Grandmother; that she is proud of us; that we are inspirations to her; and how much she loves us. I am glad I was wearing sunglasses – because I admit, I had a well of tears.

Thank you so much to all of my family for today!!! It was so nice to celebrate life and to be with all of you!!!!

Good news!!

2010-04-16T09:08:00.002-04:00

Hi there!! Just thought I would pop in and give a little update…and let me tell you, good things come in little packages…

Yesterday marked #19 of radiation treatments. I have pretty much lost all taste. And am very limited on what foods don’t cause a metallic or unpleasant taste in mouth. My meals have consisted of an egg for breakfast, protein smoothie for lunch, and scrabbled eggs for dinner, and drinking V8 throughout the day. How is that for a protein packed day??? I told the doctor that I almost wish that the radiation cause my sense of smell to go too. It is so hard to smell the food, imagine what it will taste like and to then put it in my mouth and feel as though I have just eaten a metal poll or a piece of cardboard. But alas, this too shall pass!!

As far as activity…I am still trying and fighting against this damn fatigue. I’ll tell you what; I have never had anything fight back so hard. I am playing softball this year. I wanted to last year but couldn’t because of the whole reconstructive hip surgery thing, so there was no way I was letter this stupid cancer keep me down. I am a little rusty, but I think that it is all coming back to me. I am trying very hard to go to the gym. I think it will be a while until I am back up to my 5 days a week, but honestly 2 or 3 kick my butt now.

All and all I am learning to accept things for the way they are and trying not to get too upset when I have limitations. But the end of this cancer crap is on the horizon…I received some fantastic news yesterday!!!! Every Thursday is doctor day at radiation. I wanted to clarify with the doctor the number of treatments I would be receiving. If you remember, the doctor had originally told me 33. Well guess what…he misspoke!!! I am the proud new owner of a mere 23 treatments!!!!! Do you know what that means…treatments will be done next week!!!!!!

Words can not truly describe how I feel about this. I am very, very excited that I will soon be done with treatments!! However, there is this feeling of fear. I am scared for the next chapter…the uncertainty. You see this whole time with chemo and radiation I felt like I was fighting the cancer, because I was actively doing something. And now I feel as though for the next two months (before I can go for the PETscan to see if the fighting worked) I am going to be a sitting duck. I am also a little afraid of what is expected of me. Am I expected to walk out the radiation office next Wednesday and pick up my life right where it was before all of this? I am still so exhausted. Luckily – I am a reader and when I don’t know something I read about it. I ordered a book titled “100 Questions & Answers About Life After Cancer: A Survivors Guide”, and you know what…I am not alone!! I am only in the beginning of this book and so far it has answered a lot of the questions I have. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is fighting cancer!!

So, that it that!!! The next chapter in this fight is almost complete and I am very excited. Tomorrow Doug and I are going to Allentown for a family day. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone and relaxing!!! I can’t wait to get a picture with my fellow “cancer fighting cousins”. The three of us girls have kicked cancer’s ass!! That picture will be one for a frame!!! So Kim & Robyn…be prepared to smile!!! 

Momma said there will days like these...

2010-04-07T13:05:00.000-04:00

So let me start this post by saying I am not writing this for pity or sorrow…I just am feeling a little down. With this cancer crap – you will have days like this…I guess these are mine. This blog is my outlet for dealing with the cancer and documenting what I am going through – believe me, I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs!!!

I am on my 3rd week of radiation. Today will be treatment #13 which means there are 20 more left. I am really starting to feel the effects from all of this “nuking”. I can barely taste anything, and if I can taste it – I can’t swallow it. Yesterday’s food consisted of a protein shake and some macaroni & cheese. The mac and cheese was very, very hard to swallow…but it feels weird not to eat when Doug is eating. I have to go shopping for a new blender though, because mine has decided to take 20 minutes to blend strawberries!! Anyway…where was I…ah yes, no taste, hard time swallowing, and my mouth is so dry. I have started carrying my Nalgene water bottle with me everywhere I go.

The last two to three weeks had been pretty good. I was in the gym more often; playing tennis; and starting softball practice. This week??? Well that is a whole other story. I feel as though there was a big vacuum placed in my bedroom on Monday night and it sucked all energy from me as I slept. Doug “woke” me up on Tuesday morning and I could hardly get out of bed. I managed to put on my shirt in an attempt to get ready for work. I was completely exhausted after that small task. Doug promptly told me to get back in bed and take the day off. I did. Taking a day off is not easy for me - #1 I feel like I am letting everyone down, #2 I feel like I have given in, #3 the guilt that I feel all day long is awful, and #4 I want to be able to use my vacation time for something like the beach, not sitting at home because I am too tired to move!!! After this week, I will have two hours of vacation time left – which will be sucked up next week. And that is it – no vacation for me…oh wait, that’s right chemo and radiation is my “vacation”!!!

The last two days have not been easy on Doug that is for sure. I am a bitch – yes that’s right – I admit when I am. I hate that I can’t do anything. Doug has had to endure so much from me. He is the one who sees the tears I cry when people aren’t around. He gets my attitude when I can’t do anything. His head has been bitten off more times than the chocolate Easter Bunny. He sees it all and yet he has not run…what a strong, strong man!!! Doug – I promise when this is all over you can have the best man trip ever – because you deserve a break!!!!

This is just a speed bump in a long journey in life. Right now it feels like a mountain – but I know it will pass. And when I am cancer free and back to my old self, I am sure I will read this and think ‘buck up woman – suck it up and deal’!!! Just one last thought for the day...Cancer Sucks!!!!

Glow bug treatments have begun...

2010-03-25T21:43:00.000-04:00

So I found out last weekend that more people than I ever thought are actually reading this thing! Hello ladies!! With that being said, I really should update more often. But you know what they say…no news is good news.

I started radiation this week. Oh boy – this is a tough one!!! I am pretty claustrophobic and have a hard time being restrained…both of which are being put to the test with this part of the “cancer ass kicking” treatments. I could explain what exactly they do, but instead I will show you. Below is what I will be doing everyday for the next 7 weeks at 3:30. I gotta tell you – I think I would rather be sitting at my desk at work!!! I am working very hard to go to my “happy place” when they strap me down by my head. Today I did pretty well; but my goal is to not freak out inside when they first strap me down. It is easier to just be in my happy place first rather than having to talk myself out of hell first. I found out today that I will not have 25 treatments as originally thought...no, no I will have 33 treatments!!! Crazy!!! Doug is going to be able to use me as a night light!!!

The mask is so tight that when they take it off, my face has the waffle print on it!!!

I am feeling pretty good right now. I have some fatigue – but I have already succumbed to the fact that that will be around throughout the treatment. I coach Special Olympics Tennis and that started back up for the season on Sunday. It is great to see my athletes and to be back out on the court again. I also joined the co-ed softball team that Doug played on last year. I know this might seem a little over zealous – but I have never been one to sit around. Even if I can’t play all the time – just being able to play once in a while will be awesome. If I don’t try, I will never know…

Radiation doctor appointment #1...

2010-03-09T09:50:00.001-05:00

I went on Friday, March 5th to meet with Dr. Milito at Oakwood Cancer Center. This is where I will receive my radiation treatments. The appointment went well. We discussed how he was going to measure me for the radiation, the mask that I will be fitted for, and the side effects.

Dr. Milito said that since I am not even thirty yet he wants to be very precise in is measurements of where the radiation will hit. Apparently in older people who have cancer in the neck area, they will just radiate the entire neck area. The doctor said he doesn’t want to do that with me and would like to be very precise and only radiate what is needed. I say ‘thank you’!!! I will be fitted for a mesh mask that will hold my head in place during treatment. Not only will it hold my head in place, it will ensure that my head is in the same position every time, thus the radiation hitting the same correct spot every time.

Now for the side effects…how lovely!! I have a very tricky spot of cancer…some of it is on the very back of my tongue (in my neck). This will be very tricky to radiate and will come along with wonderful side effects. The doctor said that I will lose my sense of taste, and that it probably won’t come back for at least a year. My mouth is going to get very, very sore and it will become hard for me to chew and swallow. He said my desire to eat will diminish and I will lose weight. Now the weight loss part doesn’t bother me. I have said through this whole thing that if there is a silver lining…at least I could afford to lose more weight. My concern is making sure I am getting the right nutrients. So it sounds like I will be drinking my meals in the form of protein shakes and other supplements. And then there is the fatigue…that is a side effect that carries over from chemo to radiation. Sounds like more nap times!

The doctor then looked at me and said “you need two more weeks off”. Doug told him that I have been working the whole time. He looked a little shocked at that, but then clarified that I need two more weeks off from the chemo before we start radiation. He said I looked very, very tired and run down. Huh…I had even wore eye makeup that day as to not look like that. I guess I am not fooling anybody.

I go this Thursday, March 11th for the final appointment before radiation starts. I will get a CAT scan for the doctor to base his measurement off of. They will also be fitting me for the lovely mesh mask…think Jason with more holes. And I will get my ID swipe card. Every patient has a swipe badge that they have to bring with them. The machine scans the badge and pulls up all of the information needed for the radiation. This ensures that no one ever gets the wrong radiation treatment.

I am very anxious for this all to start…mainly so it can end. I am so over this cancer crap!!! But sadly my body isn’t – I am still battling with the fatigue. I have also been battling with myself and how others see me. There are some people in my life who I truly believe they think that I am done with everything and all better because the chemo is done. But the fact of the matter is (as my husband so wisely put it) chemo was the first stage of treatment and radiation is the second…I will not be “all better” for a little longer yet. All I keep telling myself is “patience my dear, patience.” But don't get me wrong, I still feel very positive about this whole thing and like Dori in Finding Nemo I "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

**Edited to add...the treatments will be 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for at least 5 weeks. I will know whether it will be more than 5 weeks after the doctor does all of his measurements and calculations.

Last chemo done...

2010-03-04T19:21:00.000-05:00

Hello…I’m still here. Sorry I know I am terrible at posting, but to be honest life is pretty boring and there is not much happening. I finished up chemo last Friday, February 26th. I can’t tell you how happy I am about this. Especially since this last treatment has really beaten me down. The nausea has been a little much. I have Zofran to take for the nausea but I haven’t taken it since my first treatment…it causes the worst headaches and I would rather be nauseous.

Like I said life is kind of boring right now. Sometimes boring can be good, but I am so ready to be back into life. I have been able to get to the gym here and there (pretty much the week before the next chemo treatment) and it has been a teaser for me. I love going to the gym. The weather is starting to show glimmers of spring which brings a smile to my face. Spring brings new life…things will soon be blooming, my Special Olympics Tennis will be starting, and radiation will begin. I can not wait to see my athletes again and start training. I just pray I have the energy to keep up; but I have an awesome assistant coach and support system, so I am sure all will be bueno!!!

Tomorrow is my appointment with the radiation doctor at Oakwood Cancer Center. I feel good about Oakwood because Dr. Milito specializes in mouth and throat cancers and takes special precautions in regards to the side effects. I am very anxious to get all of the information and get the next phase started!!!

So that’s what has been up…not much of anything. Still fighting, still trying to stay strong!!

Still here & still kicking!!!

2010-02-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

I know it has been a while since I have posted…I’m sorry. I am fine really. I had my second round of chemo on February 5th. Things have been going ok since then. I still get sick when I try to eat certain foods. My diet has mainly consisted of grilled cheese sandwiches, eggs, and pancakes (don’t ask me, but the Bisquick Low Fat Pancake mix seems to work for me). I can’t do milk, which kills me, because I love milk!! I have been very shy to try any pasta for fear of the sauce. And I am pretty sure my blood stream has now been replaced with diet ginger ale. But all and all I am ok with the food situation because I know that this too shall pass. And besides when all of this chemo and radiation crap is over with – I am getting the biggest order of sushi!!!!

As I type this I can feel the neuropathy starting in my finger tips. I knew it was a side effect, but I hadn’t been affected until now. The little stubbles that were on my head from shaving it are few and far between. And my eyebrows are starting to fall out/off. It still amazes me how your body changes from the chemo. I look at my face and can’t believe how “tired” I look. I read on the ACS’s website that chemo patients should replace their makeup with new once they start chemo – something with getting rid of the old germs. So I went to Ulta this past Sunday and asked the girl at the Bare Escentuals counter to help me pick out some new eye makeup that would make me look less dead. She did an awesome job, and I purchased a new eye shadow and mascara. I figured I would try to get people to notice my eyes before they notice the scarf on my head. The scale says I have only lost 5 pounds, but most of my clothes are swimming on me, especially my pants. I am hoping that the small weight loss means I have lost fat and not muscle. I worked very, very hard to get that muscle built up!!!

Every day I am more amazed at how overwhelming generous people have been. I have always known that the friends and family that I have in my life are awesome – otherwise they wouldn’t be here. But I am so grateful for how wonderful they have all been. I was going to list everything here, but it would take me a couple hours to do that, and I am sure you guys don’t want to read a post that long. But my friends & family have brought me some of the nicest things, from meals, flowers, scarves, blankets, and beautiful crocheted items, the outpouring from people has made me cry several times. And the cards!!! Oh my, the cards!! I get cards from people a couple times a week. Again – I can not convey just how grateful I am to have everyone in my life. With that said…if you are reading this and thinking “crap – I haven’t sent or made her anything – I guess I should”, please know that as I am grateful for what I have received, but I in no way expect anything. Heck just knowing that the people who are reading this blog are interested enough in me to see how I am doing means the world to me.

I am trying very, very hard to remain as “normal” as possible throughout this whole thing. I look at my health a lot differently than other people do. I actually hate my health – or lack there of. It pisses me off to no end that every time I get “better” from one thing, I get knocked on my ass with another. That is why I try to remain life as normal every time I get sick. It is more of a “screw you” to the universe. Mentally I am so strong and ready to take on anything, but it seems like my body fights me. Right now I want nothing more than to get off work and go to the gym. But instead, I get off work early now because I can’t make it through a whole day, I go home and I take a nap until Doug gets home. Last week was not very nice; I had a really bad chest cold that knocked me down. I believe I was asleep more than I was awake. This week I want so bad to go to the gym. I am so tired of being told that I really need to rest. I just want to scream “Just because I have cancer, doesn’t mean I’m dead!!!!!” I have never been the type to just stop life for anything. I feel like some people feel that because I have cancer that I should just sit around. Well just kill me now, because that is not the life I want to live. I know I have always been stubborn and will test my limits to the max, but if I don’t try – how will I know!!!!

So that’s been what is happening…not much. The next round of chemo is on February 26th. That will hopefully be the last one and then I move on to radiation, but I have to meet with the radiation doctor first.

No more hair...

2010-02-02T12:27:00.000-05:00

Last night I had Doug shave my head. As I stated before, I woke up on Thursday, January 28th and found my hair starting to fall out. Well it didn’t take long – by Sunday I had bald spots and was wearing a hat or scarf. It was so thin and looked terrible.

I stood in the bathroom feeling completely open and vulnerable as I felt the clippers taking away the one thing I had always liked about myself. I cried the whole time Doug cut. I kept my eyes closed as I was afraid to look in the mirror. When it was all said and done I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror…and screamed!!! The person looking back at me, was not me, it was some sickly looking girl with mascara smeared from the tears. Doug grabbed me and hugged me; I could see and hear his tears. He felt so sorry for me. And although I am not usually the type, I felt sorry for myself.

It is very hard to look in the mirror right now, as I am sure it will be for some time. I feel much, much more comfortable with a head covering on, whether it is a scarf or a hat. Plus my head is so cold and my scalp is so tender to touch. The stubble that is left on my head is falling out, but it is easier to see that than clumps of long hair.

We had gone shopping on Sunday for some new clothes for Doug and me some scarves. I am amazed how hard it is to find silk scarves. I came home from the Gettysburg Outlets, Capital City Mall, and Target with just two scarves!!! I have looked online for some. But I think tonight I am going to stop by Jo-Ann Fabrics and see if I can just buy some fabric in the same square size as the scarves I bought and put a hem around. I think this will be a cheaper alternative. Plus I can pick fabric I like and that will match my wardrobe.

On Saturday, my friend Jess and I took a trip to Fleetwood (outside of Reading) to meet a very, very nice lady who sells wigs. What a surreal experience that was. I never thought I would be sitting in a chair at my age getting wigs tried on me. After some doozies, I believe I found a good match. The color is almost the exact same as my natural color and the style looks to be my style. “The Wig Lady” (that’s the name of her business), Faye, had the color wig I wanted but not the style. I picked the style out of a book. I wear or wore my hair straight and parted to the left. Some wigs do not part, and are fluffy on top. I can tell you with certainty that I am not a fluffy hair kind of girl. Faye tried one wig on me that made me look like C.C. DaVille, no joke!! So anyway – the type of wig I got is a monofilament wig – which means it looks like a real scalp, it can be parted, and is a flat style. I like flat!! I am hoping to be able to pick it up next week.

Other than the hair loss – I am feeling pretty good. I didn’t go to the gym last night because…well, I just didn’t feel like leaving the house. I am hoping to get there tonight, even if it is only to do a little bit – at least it will be something!!!

Quick Update

2010-01-28T11:59:00.001-05:00

Hello peeps!!! Sorry for the lack of posts, I promise I will try to get better at this updating thing. The funny thing is, it feels kind of weird to update people or talk about me, all I have ever thought is “like people really care”. But I know that people really DO care – just weird to write about myself you know.
All and all I can’t really complain. Each day is different. There are days where I am very nauseous and days where I feel pretty good. Eating has been a challenge. I feel like every day is an experiment. There are some days where all I can eat are bagels and then other days I seem to do ok with more normal foods. I don’t really like going out to eat anymore though – I just feel like it is a waste of money.

Last Thursday, the 21st was the worst day I have had. I woke up nauseous, dizzy, and felt like a Mac Truck had ran me down. I tried to suck it up and drove into work. But by the time I got to my office I felt worse. I called my chemo nurse and explained everything. She said she wanted me to be seen. Because I was getting hot and then cold, she said that my white blood cell count could be low. Sure enough – it was quite low. So I earned myself four hours at the clinic getting IV meds. Fortunately this Monday, the 25th, when I went in for lab work, my counts were coming back up nicely. I was very happy with that; other wise I would have ended up in the hospital. No thank you!!!

Fatigue is something that I was not expecting. I had plans to carry on life as normal on days when I didn’t have chemo. My body has said other wise. As silly as it sounds, I would much rather deal with the nausea than to feel so tired. I talked to my cousin, Kim, who is a breast cancer survivor to see how she dealt with it. She told me that the fatigue is normal and it will play a big factor in my life for a while. What a hard pill to swallow. Before all of this I was the person who went to the gym at least 5 days a week. Now – I am having trouble even making it there. I went on Tuesday. I made it a mere 18 minutes on the elliptical before I found myself puking my guts out in the bathroom. I will keep on attempting this until I can do it!!!

I have also talked to my boss about having a modified work schedule. I have proposed working 8-3 everyday with a half hour lunch. He said he is willing to let me have a modified schedule but he needed to think about what it would be. I have not heard anything back yet. It was very hard for me to ask for that. I have not had the best luck with my health in my life. And although my work gets done, my time at work has suffered…and now here I am saying “well, something else is now wrong with me…” I hate to show that weakness!!!

Today is a sad day for me. I woke up this morning to find that my hair is starting to fall out. Now, I knew it was coming and I thought I prepared myself for it; but I don’t think anything prepares you for holding handfuls of your hair in your hands. I suspect that over the next few days it will get very thin and I will make that call to my hair stylist to have my head shaved. I keep on joking that it is a good thing I look cute in hats!

Thanks to my awesome friend, Jess, I will be heading to Reading on Saturday to look at getting a wig. I still am not sure if I want a wig, but it doesn’t hurt to meet with someone and look.

So that is what is up. I am still here and I am still fighting!!!! I may have off days – but this fucking cancer will not win!!!!!

Chemo 5 Days out...

2010-01-20T22:02:00.000-05:00

So today it has been 5 days since I received my first R-CHOP chemo treatment. I feel pretty good. The weekend was a little shaky. Saturday I felt pretty good up until the evening. By the evening it felt like I was "getting something"...you know how you feel before a cold sets in. I really didn't eat all weekend. I found pieces of bagels seemed to be ok. My appetite is coming back slowly, but I still can only eat small amounts.

My biggest "complaint" is the tiredness. I don't know how to explain it, other than I just feel drained. I went to the doctor on Monday, because my mouth was so sore. Turns out it is a side effect from the chemo. Good Lord, this chemo crap has a lot of side effects!!! Anyway...when I was at the doctor's I expressed just how tired I was feeling. I wasn't expecting it to hit me so fast, but she assured me that this is all very normal. I wish I was able to take naps mid way through my work day...I feel like that would really help, but alas...

Yesterday I had a small breakdown. I really wanted to go to the gym, but was so tired I fell asleep before I could get my gym clothes on. Work was pretty bad. My job can sometimes be pretty stressful, especially with year end / year begin. Take that normal stress and add my new life stress and it just compounded. I am so lucky to have Douglas...I came home, I vented, I cried and was my rock! He is so wonderful that it makes me sad sometimes to think that he got the fuzzy end of the stick in the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.

Today was a much better day - I really worked hard to remain focused at work and got a lot accomplished. And I was able to go to the gym this evening. I only did a half hour on the elliptical and some abs...but it was something, and that is all I really wanted. I started to get nauseous while I was doing my ab workout and I...are you ready for this, you're not going to believe it...I STOPPED!!! I know, I know, try and contain yourselves!! Now you all know that I am the person who fights through pretty much anything, but this time it's different. This time it's my life I don't want to jeopardize anything in the fight to get it back to where it was. It's a whole new leaf for me...I will listen to my body!!!

A friend asked me today how I was doing "it"...how I was keeping it all together. I told her that I have my moments of weakness and that my outlook on life has changed....I take things one day at a time!!!

First R-CHOP treatment done!!!

2010-01-15T19:22:00.000-05:00

Today I had the second half of my first chemo treatment. This was the Rituxan (the R part of R-CHOP). This is the medication that has a lot of precautionary measures taken before it is administered. I arrived at the clinic at 7:40 this morning. My chemo nurse, Renee (I know, what are the odds) gave me Tylenol & Benadryl first thing. These two medicines are to help with any possible side effects such as fever and/or itching and rash. After twenty minutes she started the Rituxan. This medicine is given very slowly for the first time; one drip every five seconds, then two drips every fives seconds, continuing until it reaches eight drips every five seconds. I did well up until the three drips per five seconds. I had fallen asleep and when I woke up my ears were itching inside and out and my neck was closing up. My nurse just happened to be coming back to up the dose when I discovered all of this. Before I could get out that my throat was closing, she raised her voice and said "oh my, you're having a reaction" and pulled the connection, rushed out of the room and grabbed a bag of steroids and a syringe of Benadryl. I could hear her yelling for someone to get a doctor. Can you say scary!!!! She ran the medications through and we started the Rituxan over again, from the beginning. When it got back up to three drops per five seconds, my throat started to get a little scratchy again and the redness on my neck was back. But I asked that we just forge through and monitor everything. As it was, the symptoms went away eventually. And I finished my chemo at 3pm!!!! What a long day!!!

I had a private room today. It had two Lazy Boys and a television. It was very sunny & bright, which was so nice. Doug started out the day with me. When I had the reaction we knew I wouldn't be getting out of there anytime soon and Doug needed to get to work (he just started his new job on Monday). So mom came in to be with me around 11:30. I took some pictures of her today, but I am pretty sure she would beat me if I put them up.

Doug made the most of his time there and worked on a website

With all of the Benadryl today - I was pretty sleepy and slept through most of the treatment.

So that's done - the first treatment is out of the way. Now I wait for the hair to start falling out...but bald is beautiful right???

Now I am sitting and resting. I ache all over and am very cold. The taste of food has already started to change...gotta love the chemo diet. Hopefully I will wake up and feel pretty good. I really would like to go to the gym this weekend!!!!

1st day done...

2010-01-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

Today was my first day of chemo. As I stated before my first round of chemo is being divided between two days as it takes so long for the first time. Today I received the CHOP part of the R-CHOP. It went well. In fact it didn't seem like I was getting chemo...Doug & I laughed and joked around. I read, did some word puzzles, and joked around some more. When it was done we went to get Doug's hair cut. All I kept thinking was 'wow, chemo gets a bad rap - I feel fine'. HA!!! About 5:30 I started feeling a little queasy and got really tired. I tried to lie down, but couldn't sleep, and I hate lying idle if I can't sleep, so I got back up.

Thursday night are my friend and my night to have dinner, hang out, and catch up for the week. I didn't want to miss that. I knew he would come over to the house and hang if I really didn't want to go anywhere. But the truth is, I need to still live, and I wanted to go out to dinner. The queasiness was still minimal at this point. And I really enjoyed the dinner and conversation, not only because we always do it but also it was just nice to not think too much about everything.

Tonight around 9:30 the queasiness became a little less minimal and a little more annoying. I feel pretty sick to my stomach right now. I can not even imagine what I would feel like if they had not given me three different anti-nausea medicines!

I'm calling it a night...second half of chemo starts tomorrow morning at 7:40am!!

First day of chemo. And my new "chemo ready hair-do".

Amazed & blessed...

2010-01-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

Tonight feels like the calm before the storm. I had my medi-port placed on Monday and I start chemo tomorrow. I feel very anxious...I am ready to start whatever it takes to get better!!! For the last 29 days I have been counting down for this day. You can only talk about cancer and the plan of attack for so long and I am just ready to get on with it.

It's funny thing, cancer...it changes you. As I said I am only 29 days diagnosed and I already can tell changes in myself. I am normally a pretty high strung person (ask anyone) and I tend to worry about everything and everyone. Now I seem more laid back (at least I think)...things that bothered me before December 15th really haven't bothered me much. In the grand scheme of things some things just aren't important. I even feel stronger mentally. Before when I would get Bronchitis or a Sinus Infection I would let it make me sedentary, now I think a cough or a runny nose are the least of my worries. :-) I don't how to explain it - but I feel different.

I am so blessed!!! I have so many people who are praying and thinking of me. It's funny I have always thought that I wasn't in enough dire need to be on a prayer list and even with cancer I still kind of feel that way. I always look at it this way, 'no matter what is dealt to me...there is always someone else who is dealing with more'. Anyway - I feel so blessed that people think so highly of me to reach out to me and/or pray for me. It all seems different...I usually care for people and now the roles are reversed. Knowing I have the support of so many, makes me feel so calm and at ease when dealing with everything.

T-minus 14 1/2 hours until the first half of my first chemo!!! Let's kick cancer's ass!!!!

So it's all real...

2010-01-07T23:41:00.000-05:00

"So it's all real, isn't it?" That is just how I feel today. Today I met with the Hem-Onc to set up my chemo schedule. Can you say information overload??? As of now the plan is to have 3 rounds of chemo and then radiation. I will be meeting a radiation doctor to make sure I can do the radiation. The type of chemo I will be going through is R-CHOP. Which stands for (R) Rituxan - (C) Cytoxan (H) Adriamycin (O) Vincristine (P) Prednisone. When I heard the "P" I almost called the whole thing off...LOL!!! I hate prednisone more than any other medicine. I have been on it so many times for my asthma. It is a nasty drug!!! Very helpful, but so full of side effects. Unofortunately, my worst side effect is weight gain. I know this seems vain , but I gained a lot of weight from this drug over the years and finally, finally have taken most of it off. But as with losing me hair...if it has to be done to save my life, well then, so be it.

We sat with my chemo nurse for 45 minutes going over what to expect. It is crazy, the amount of information there is!!! I will be having a port placed on Monday so the chemo drugs can be administered. The doctor, nurse and I decided the port would be the best solution because my veins are crap. When I had my hip surgery I blew through three IV's in one day!! And I have had more IV's infiltrate than I can count. When I told the doctor about this she said that I most definitely getting a port. If a chemo IV would infiltrate it would burn and scar my skin because of how powerful the medications are. So Monday at 8:45 I go into the hospital as an outpatient to have the port inserted on my right side near the clavicle.

My chemo nurse gave me a folder with all of the information about my treatment in it. I swear the thing weighs like 10 lbs!!! Ok, ok, I am probably exaggerating here, but seriously - it's thick!!! The list of meds I will be on is crazy.

I start chemo on January 14th at 1:20pm. This will be the first half of the chemo (the CHOP part). Then on Friday, January 15th I will go back in at 7:40am to get the Rituxan. The Rituxan is the one that has all of the crazy side affects and can have reactions with the body when given for the first time. This will be a very slow drip - and they will monitor me very closely to see how my body reacts.

Next week will be a very hectic week!!! And I will be happy when it is over. I go this weekend to get my hair cut. I am getting it shorter than what it is now, but I am not getting cut short. I know this sounds stupid, but I have never had a really high self esteem, but the one thing I have always liked is my hair...so it is hard to know it will be gone by February. Again...if that is what it takes to save my life...well then, so be it!

Today as I write this I feel overwhelmed, tired and sad. I am still strong, but even the strongest people have weak days, right??? I am off to bed and hope tomorrow is a good mood day, because I can't stand to be sad!!!!

A quick update...

2010-01-05T08:54:00.000-05:00

I heard from the doctor’s last night around 5:15pm regarding the results of my PET scan…

My NHL is Stage 1E or Stage II. I will try to explain the best I can. The NHL has not spread throughout by body (which is awesome); however, it has spread in my neck area. They found active cancer cells in the back of my throat area and tongue. Technically, on paper, I have Stage II NHL. But the true definition of Stage II is that the cancer is in two or more lymph nodes. The Stage 1E comes into play because the cancer is in two or more locations, but those locations are known as Extra-nodes (think external nodes).

As far as the treatment plan…we are going to discuss all of that in detail on Thursday. Because of the location of the additional cancer cells, they are not sure if I will be able to get radiation. Reason one is the area may be too big and reason two being the location and possible long term health effects such as dry mouth (there were a couple others, but I forget – a lot of info to take in). No radiation would just mean a longer chemo therapy. This question of whether or not to do the radiation will not affect the start of chemo, as radiation comes after the chemo is done. So I may start chemo on Friday, and if not Friday, I will definitely start next week.

Thursday will prove to be a day filled with information overload. I am glad I will have Doug there as a second set of ears!!! The woman I spoke to last night said that she was surprised that I said about starting chemo on Friday, she thought I would like more time to process everything. Truthfully, I don't know how much more I can talk about and process this - I just want to get started!!! I am a doer not a talker!!!

Btw...I want to thank my Aunt & Uncle for one of the most awesome Christmas gifts. I received a pretty, wrapped package that said To: Renee From: Your Gaurdian Angels. And inside was an awesome "Live Strong" t-shirt and a "Live Strong" fleece jacket!! It meant so much to me!!! I cried tears of joy, as those words mean so much to me and the people it came from mean so much!!!! I will wear them with pride...and maybe shine my bald head up on those days...LOL!!!!

*On a side note...thank you all so very much for all of the nice comments you have been leaving. Please know that I am not ignoring you. I just haven't figured out how to respond to the comments yet from Blogger.

Update from Deccember 24th doctor appointment...

2010-01-04T16:27:00.000-05:00

So I realized that in order to keep everyone in the loop and use this blog for what I intend it for...I need to actually write the updates!!! Sorry about that!!

On December 24th I met with my Hem-Onc doctor. I feel pretty comfortable with Dr Gareis as my doctor...I have read that first and foremost you need to feel comfortable with the doctor who is going to be helping to save your life!! And the group she is with, Andrews & Patel, is one of the largest group of cancer doctor's in this area.

My appointment was an hour and a half, and full of information. Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is broken down into 3 sub categories...

Low Grade - non-curable* and chronic

Intermediate Grade - curable*, aggressive (but not as aggressive as High Grade)

High Grade - curable*, very, very aggressive, and a higher mortality rate

*The definition of curable here is that it can go into remission for a short period of time or indefinitely.

I have Intermediate Grade NHL. I am not sure what stage I'm in just yet. In fact as I write this I am waiting for the call from the doctor. I had my PET scan on December 31st. I couldn't wait any longer (I really just want to know), and called the doctors office to see if they received the results. They have, and they are giving Dr. Gareis a message to please call me. Ugh - the waiting...

As for treatment - this is what I know right now...

If the NHL is contained in my neck area (thyroid) - treatment will be R-CHOP which stands for Radiation, Chemo, and Pill. I would have at least 3 chemo treatments, followed by radiation treatments, and will be on medication.

If the NHL has spread to other parts of my body, I will not go through radiation (as that is a targeted type of treatment). And I will have at least 6 chemo treatments.

In both cases, chemo will be every three weeks.

Prior to this appointment I joked about how I would be bald and that bald is beautiful. But it wasn't until I heard the doctor say it that it hit me. I asked her if this was the type of chemo I would lose my hair from - she said yes - and I couldn't help it, I cried, hard!!! Oh well - it's just hair, and I have to lose my hair to save my life, well that is what has to be done. She told me that after chemo hair tends to come back in with big curls and lighter than the original color and that I would probably have a shade of blonde. Doug said it will be like having a whole new wife!! This weekend I went to Yarn Garden and purchased some really soft yarn to make some newsboy hats. Hey - if I am going to be bald, by damned I will be stylish!!!! I have a previously scheduled hair appointment on Saturday, January 9th. I am going to have Ali cut my hair to right above my shoulders. I don't want to cut it short, but I also don't want to have it as long as it is and lose it. I am hoping that having it a little shorter will help to make it less traumatic to deal with.

So anyway...that is what I know for right now. Here is a list of upcoming tests and appointments...

Tuesday, January 5th - MUGA testing (this will test my heart to make sure it is strong enough to endure the chemo)

Thursday, January 7th - Appointment with Hem-Onc (we will discuss chemo in more detail and get the schedule set up)

Till then - LIVE STRONG!!!!!!

That six letter word...

2009-12-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

On December 15th at 3pm I received a call from my surgeon who performed my right thyroid-ectomy on December 10th. This call changed my life forever. He told me that while the nodule was ok, the right thyroid showed differently. Then he mentioned that dirty six letter word that no one ever wants to hear...CANCER!!!!!!

I have Non-Hodgkin's B-Cell Lymphoma, Large Cell type. What the hell does that mean, you ask!!! Well, I'm not quite sure. I meet with the hematologist/oncologist tomorrow (12/24). I have a lot of questions and hope to get a lot of answers. I will learn my plan of attack. On 12/31/09 I go for my PET scan. This (from what I understand) will help determine what stage of cancer I have.

I have decided to use my blog to help my friends & family stay informed with my journey through all of this. Sorry "hipsters", I don't think I will be having my left PAO for quite some time...much bigger fish to fry now. Some of my friends had mentioned carepages.com and caringbridge.org. I looked into them, but figured that since I have a blog already set up, I would use it. And people can "subscribe" to this blog so that they can get a notification when I post something.

I want to thank everyone that has been so supportive already. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do!!! I am strong and have fought through so much crap in my 28 years that cancer does not have a chance with me!!! I will beat this...failure is not an option!!!!

So if you would like to follow this journey...thank you!! And in the words of Lance Armstrong "LIVE STRONG"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quiet...but for good reasons!!

2009-12-02T09:32:00.005-05:00

So I have been pretty quiet from my blog...but I have a great reason...I trained and ran a 5k!!!! I know - I can hardly believe it myself. I started training about 9 weeks ago and ran my first ever 5k on Thanksgiving!!! I finished in 37 minutes and to be honest, I think that is pretty darn good considering everything I have been through.

Before the race - I apparently am not awake yet...

I had a great support team. My friends Fred and Alicia ran the race with me and my husband and parents came to cheer for me. Fred and Alicia are both pretty tall and have not had hip surgery, so at the beginning of the race I told each of them that if my pace was too slow that I would be completely ok with them running ahead. Alicia ran ahead and finished her first 5k in 33 minutes - I am so proud of her!! But as much as I pleaded with him to run ahead, Fred stayed right beside me and near the end coached me to the finish line.

I am not going to lie...it wasn't the prettiest race. At 2.5 miles legs and hips were screaming! My left hip (non-operated) was the worst. My friend who ran with me said he could hear me "clicking" and saw the pain on my face. That is when he started talking to me - telling me that we were going to finish the race and that there was only a short distance to go. He really helped push me along. Because I am sure as many of you know the pain can be debilitating and once you reach a certain level of pain - your body wants to shut done. But I did it - I crossed that finish line!! When I crossed Alicia was there waiting and jumped on me exclaiming "You did it - I am so proud of you!!". I hugged her and I hugged Fred for helping me achieve something I wanted to badly to accomplish.

After the race - see I'm still smiling!!!

After I could breath again, my emotions got the best of me and I cried. Last year at this time I was still on crutches and wasn't even on 50% weight bearing and this year I ran a 5k!! I feel so blessed!!!

Now...about that left hip of mine...yeah it is definitely letting me know that it is there. I have been in quite a bit of pain lately, and I am not happy. This is the same kind of pain the right hip had before surgery. I am scheduled to go in for an injection in two weeks and I hope it helps. Although - I am hoping for it to be some miracle shot - but really all it is doing is prolonging life before surgery. Right now I am seriously considering calling my surgeon and setting up the date to have the left PAO done. I am just not sure...on one hand I say yes - let's get this done and over with so I can move on with my life, but on the other hand I say no - because I am not sure I am mentally prepared to do it again. I have a very tough decision to make right now. All I know for sure is that I want to keep running - I love it!!!

All I can do is fight!!!!

2009-10-06T14:51:00.003-04:00

It is hard to believe that at this time last year I was sitting in the hospital waiting for my surgeon to open my right hip back up and remove an infection. The weird thing is, my left arm is very itchy today in the spot where the first picc line was, and the scar is even raised...too weird!!

My right hip has been feeling pretty good. And I have been really testing it out lately. I have always wanted to run but either my asthma or my hips have kept me from it. As with most everything I do, I am giving this my all. I am planning on running in a Turkey Trot this year and started training. I am telling you...I really feel like my body hates me. I have been trying to go to the gym every day except Sundays. I was doing well until last week when, boom, respiratory infection!! This is the second one in a months time!! Last night was my first night back in a week. I made it through my run despite coughing and pain from the left hip. Then I met with my trainer, who kicked my butt. Today I was only feeling a little tired until now. I was sitting at my desk and started to get short of breath...back to the nebulizer treatments I go...

As I mentioned...the left hip (non-operated side) is starting to show it's bad side. And quite honestly I am surprised it took this long for the pain to get more frequent. For the last couple weeks I have been dealing with pain in the left hip during any activity. Last night was the worst I have had. I was running on the treadmill and I felt a familiar pain. I had this pain once before in my right hip...this is the pain that was the beginning of the end of pre-op life. This is the pain that started the series of injections that slowly started to lose their effectiveness. And now, here I am with this pain in the left hip!! I know I need to call and schedule the injection...I just am so not ready to be there again!! Not to mention I have another surgery of a different kind in my very near future...

Within the next month or so I will be having thyroid surgery. Right before my 3rd right hip surgery, I had an appointment with my family doctor. While talking I mentioned that I had stopped taking my Synthroid (my medicine for my hypo-thyroid). He looked at me with the "What??? Why would you do that??" look. I told him that I didn't feel any different whether I was on or off the medicine. This prompted him to feel my thyroid. The look that came over his face was not one I was expecting. His eyes got very big and he immediately ordered tests. While I was recovery from the 3rd right hip surgery I went through a series of tests. The tests revealed that I have a quite large nodule on my thyroid. I had a needle biopsy and met with an endocrinologist. We talked about various options regarding this nodule. My concern...the "c" word...cancer!! There is a chance that due to the size of the nodule the needle biopsy was not able to get samples from all of the nodule and that there could be cancer. I have decided that I really don't want to take that chance and I am having it removed. They will be removing half of my thyroid and the nodule. While I am still under in surgery, they will examine the nodule for cancer. If there is any cancer, they will remove my entire thyroid and I will be treated for cancer. I can not tell you how scared I am of this!!! I am praying very hard and trying to think only happy thoughts.

I am a fighter!!! I always have been and I always will be!!! But sometimes, I feel like my brain and my body don't see eye to eye.

Anyway, to some it up

The right hip feels pretty good
The left hip is ready to start receiving injections (even though I am not)
The respiratory system is junk and I wish I could get a new one
The thyroid and it's nodule friend must come out...I will not let cancer in!!!

1 YEAR POST-OP!!!!

2009-09-16T10:44:00.002-04:00

WOW - what a difference a year makes!! I am officially one year out from my original PAO surgery. This past year has been full of hope, excitement, sadness, setbacks, and happiness all rolled into one. There were times where I lost all hope of ever being the same person I was before hip dysplasia - but then the good days started to out weigh the bad. I can with out a doubt say that I am a stronger person now, physically and mentally, then I have ever been before! I had a post in the works about how mentally taxing this surgery is, but that is for another day. Today I celebrate that I have made it through the year!!

Let's take a look at then and now...

Then: Pre-op I could not walk or do any activity without falling down
Now: I am increasing my activity level and time every day, still a little pain (but I have had more surgeries then most), but overall feeling pretty good.

Then: Post-op, I could not move my leg at all. And I remember thinking 'Will I ever walk again?' As it was not very convincing to be able to see your leg, so you know it's there, but not be able to feel or move it.
Now: The doctor can not believe how flexible I am. It's a little weird to have him and his residents move my leg and hip around and say things like "Wow!! That is impressive!" I still have an area on my upper front and outer thigh that is still diminished for sensation. But, as far as I'm concerned, that is a small price to pay for where I am now.

Then: I sat in my "sitting room" that my loving husband set up for me. I would work from home, knit, read, and watch tv, and then get so bored!! All I wanted to do was be able to be part of the world again. I felt so left out as my husband and friend left for State College on the weekends to work security at the PSU games.
Now: I never stop running!!! I am either at work, the gym, tennis courts, or a bike trail!!!! I love every minute of it, but there is a little part of me that would love to sit - but I will save that for the Left PAO. I am now heading up to State College with the guys to go to the games or just tailgate.

I'm not 100% done recovering yet, but my latest surgery was in June. It was not as major as the original, but it set me back a little. Reflecting on the last year I feel so blessed to be where I am!! I see the light at the end of this tunnel and that makes me very happy.

I had my 10 week post-op appointment for the surgery in June on August 10th. Dr. Goodspeed was so ecstatic with my progress. He told me that after everything that I have been through with this surgery, the pain that I have endured, and my high tolerance for the pain, I will breeze through childbirth. I asked for that in writing :-). When we were finished with the appointment he said that since I was doing so well, we would consider the appointment my 1 year post-op as well. I don't have to go back unless I need to. He asked me to call or email him periodically to let him know how I am doing. That is the least I can do for the person who changed my life!!

YAY for 1 year!!!!

Two weeks post-op...

2009-06-23T11:01:00.006-04:00

Update...

I am now 17 days out from my 3rd and hopefully final surgery on my right hip. As I stated in my last post, the doctor feels very confident in a full recovery now - as do I!! I haven't had a lot of pain with this surgery, which no pain is always a good thing. I have even been to the gym quite a bit. Last night I did 9.25 miles on the bike in 35 minutes with a resistance level of 7!! Not bad considering everything!! I can not wait to get back to running, mountain biking, and tennis again.

I had my 2 week post-op on Thursday, June 18th. The doctor is very pleased with my progress and could not believe that I was walking without a cane! He reiterated just how large the heterotopic bone growth was. He showed me on the x-rays that it was actually covering the head of my femur bone! Holy crap - no wonder I could hardly lift my leg without getting pain and the snapping feeling. He said he could not believe how fast my body grows and repairs bone. He had never told me this before - but he said that at my 6 weeks post-op for the PAO the bone fusion was further than normal. He said that if I were to ever break my femur bone, it would probably heal very, very quickly. When I told my mom this her response was, "Renee, this is not a challenge!!"

I asked the doctor when I could start running again. His eyes got really big and he said "Hmm, I have never had anyone ask me that at 2 weeks post-op." He said that I could start trying to do everything that I want to do. I have to "practice driving" for a little while though, as that movement from gas to brake is still pretty weak. As it is, my husband is being very protective and is refusing to let me drive to work yet, so he has been bringing me to and from work. I could get use to having a chauffeur!

The only thing I am "dealing" with now is tiredness (gotta get back into the routine) and itching. The itching is driving me crazy!!! The doc put me on Indomethacin after this surgery as a precautionary measure to heed off heterotopic bone growth again. I finished up the medicine on Saturday, but am still having problems itching. My body is starting to look like a scratching post for cats! I wake up in the middle of the night because I am so itchy. I am hoping that the medicine soon works out of my system and I stop looking like a dog with fleas.

I start back to PT tomorrow. I am looking forward to it since now with the extra bone removed, I should be able to lift my leg and do the exercises. Plus my physical therapist have become friends - it's hard not to when you see this person 2-3 times a week. Plus I think you should at least be nice with the person who has to touch your bum (to feel the muscles).

I feel a lot of hope from this surgery. I truly feel that this will be the last chapter in the right hip PAO!!!

3rd Times a Charm...

2009-06-08T14:59:00.004-04:00

I am home from the hospital. I came home Saturday morning. I am hoping that the third time is a charm and that is was my last surgery for the right hip. The doctor said that he pulled a piece of "bone" (heterotopic - scar tissue formed into bone) from me that was a little larger than his thumb. Let me tell you - he has chunky fingers. He said he was very surprised at just how large this bone was and feels that it was the cause of me not getting fully recovered and all of my pain. Wow!!! What a relief to hear that - I can't wait to start PT - to really test things out.

I am off of work for two weeks, although I will be working from home. This recovery it already a lot different from the first and second surgeries. I am able to be full weight bearing and I cam walking around the house unassisted. It feels so nice to be able to walk around the house and do the stairs. Since it is June and the weather is gorgeous, I am taking advantage of sitting outside. This is totally different from last time when I couldn't do the steps and was confined to the spare room that Doug made into a sitting room for me.

This is where I am recouping today. I am checking emails from work, resting, and doing a little knitting. I am pretty sore still. I have a huge bandage with at least an inch of gauze packed in it over my entire right hip. I am to leave that on for 5 days. I can't wait until Wednesday when I can remove it - it is so itchy.

I feel pretty good about the recovery from this one already. The doctor had me start on the stationary bike one day after my surgery to keep things moving. It is so funny to go to the gym and see the looks I get for walking in there with a cane. I seriously want to lift my shorts leg and say - look I just had surgery, so please stop starring. I requested to get my hardware from my hip. The doctor said I should receive it in 2 weeks as it has to go through pathology. That should be interesting to see the 5 screws that held me together for nine months.

Thank you to everyone for you prayers, well wishes, and good thoughts as I went through surgery. Now it is time to recover and close this chapter!!

New Surgery Date

2009-06-01T14:09:00.002-04:00

I went to the surgeons last Thursday for my pre-op appointment. You know pre-op for the June 26th Surgery, right? Wrong! It turns out that my surgeon has to have hip surgery (ironic I know). His surgery is on June 20th. There is no way he would be able to perform my surgery just six days after his own! A lot of his surgeries are very time consuming, so they are all pushed back until July - September. My surgery is only three hours long and the doctor wants to get this hardware out because of the post-op infection I had so they wanted to squeeze me in before his surgery. My new surgery date is Friday, June 5th!!! AHHHH - that's right, this week!! I am freaking out a little. I had so many things planned between now and June 26th that I have had to cancel.

For this 3rd and hopefully final surgery on my right hip they are going to be removing the hardware, doing a scope to fix a possible labrum tear, and removing a heterotopic ossification.

Heterotopic ossification — Heterotopic ossification (HO) is a process by which the soft tissues around the hip harden into bone. This complication is more common in males than in females, and more often affects patients with other muscle or bone conditions. Patients with HO may experience hip stiffness, or may feel no discomfort at all. Patients who are known to be at high risk for HO may be given medications or radiation therapy after surgery to prevent HO from occurring. Borrowed from: http://www.uptodate.com/patients/content/topic.do?topicKey=~l/K..Sw6LW_v63G

If you have read my previous posts, you know that the doctors thought that I had a snapping Psoas tendon. However, the ultrasound and x-rays reviled that the muscle and tendons are getting "caught" on this extra piece of bone. Boy, I'll tell you if it was going to go wrong - I think it has with this RPAO. I really hope that my LPAO won't have so many complications!!!

So these next four days are going to be pretty busy trying to to prepare for this surgery!!! Wish me luck!!!

This & That

2009-05-22T14:23:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since I have posted, but really until the next surgery on June 26th there really has not been much to report.

I am keeping myself busy by going to the gym, running (or trying to at least) and getting back to playing tennis. I have missed tennis so much as I have been recouping. I have been out at least two times this week to play. I played with my friend for the first time since my surgery. That was a lot of fun. I was up 3 games to 1 until he started coming back. We played until we couldn't see anymore and he ended up beating me by one game. After playing, I said "Now that I have this new hip, I'm giving you a run for your money, aren't I" to which he replied "You are playing really well". See there, my game was bad because of the hip...haha take that!! I am not competitive at all...or sarcastic.

My right hip has been sore, but I admit I have been putting the beat down on it with tennis and running. I am still hyper sensitive in my thigh area with the nerves and feeling coming back. I am quite anxious to have June 26th get here and be done with. After this next surgery I will be able to truly move on!!

So really, no news or little news is good. It means I am holding on. Hope everyone enjoys this wonderful Memorial Day weekend. We are putting a new roof on the house this weekend. Don't worry, I am on the ground crew. There is NO WAY I would do that type of incline with still recovering. Roof, tennis, and picnics = a busy weekend!!

7 Month Post PAO

2009-04-21T08:33:00.005-04:00

It has been 7 months and 4 days since my RPAO. All and all I am feeling pretty good. I have had my fair share of complications with this surgery, but all and all I do not regret it. I have some pain and weakness yet, but I can walk again with out falling.

Since my last post I went to see my surgeon on 4/9/09. I was not scheduled to see him, but when I got to PT and Paul saw that I was still in pain, he wanted to make sure that I did not hurt anything when I fell down the steps. I had x-rays taken and met with Dr. Goodspeed. The good news is that I did not do anything to the newly constructed hip. The bad news is, there is another "complication". Since surgery I have had a hard time bending then extending my leg whether it is laying, sitting, or standing. Think about putting your pants on and how you move your leg for that; or laying flat on your back and bringing your knees to chest and extending them out, like in Pilate's. When I say "hard time", I mean extreme pain and a pinching sensation. I had thought that this was because I was still too weak. Turns out I have a Snapping Psoas Tendon. Yeah, I know, if was going to happen...

The doctor said that from the reconstruction of the hip it seems as if the tendon is getting caught on a piece of bone and then releasing (think rubber band), hence the pain and popping sound. He could hear and feel it as he made me do the motions like 20 times - yes fun, fun. The good news to come out of this is that they will be able to "release" the tendon arthroscopic, which means a quicker recoup time. My surgery is scheduled for June 26th. I think this is the only year that I have ever wanted to wish away. I am eager to get this surgery and get on the recovery road again. I have stopped PT for now. My PT, Paul and me decided that it would be better to continue after the surgery. Then I will be able to do the movements with my leg that will help me get stronger.

On Sunday, April 19th I completed the MS walk of 4 miles. I was very hesitant in doing the walk this year but felt that I needed to do it. A very dear and close friend of mine was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago. She is not even 30 years old yet!! Since her diagnosis I have walked in her name. My thought process was if someone can fight everyday of their lives with MS then I can surely suck up any pain I might feel and walk for them. The surgeon told me that the bones are healing nicely and that I can try anything I want, I just might have a little pain. By 3.5 miles, I was really feeling it and was starting to wobble (can I just tell you how much I hate wobbling - I am sure all my fellow "hipsters" can attest to this). But, I made it - 4 miles at a great paced walk. I felt like I really accomplished something!!

That same day I had my first Special Olympics tennis practice. This is my first year ever coaching and volunteering for the SO's. I have six athletes signed up. Three were not able to make it to practice due to prior obligations, one did not show, and two athletes were there. I really think I am going to enjoy coaching. One of my athletes is going to defiantly keep me on my toes this season. Since it was just two athletes, my friend (who is my assistant coach) and me participated with the athletes. So I ended up getting two very nice workouts in this Sunday. Now I am not going to lie, I was not feeling all that great that night. I ended up having to take some pain medication, which I don't like to do. But all and all I was happy to have survived the day.

Now we count down for June 26th, and pray that this will be the last surgery for my right hip!!

Btw...if any are interested I found a video of one of the things Iam getting done in June. Warning...not for the weak stomach. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWXLFnO-BMU

Just when you think your out...they pull you back in!

2009-03-31T15:47:00.004-04:00

I have been attending physical therapy twice a week since November. I had been making great strides and was getting very excited at the prospect of leaving that part of the recovery behind. But apparently my body has decided other wise.

Last Thursday, 3/26/09 I completely broke down at PT. I felt so discouraged. Here I am six months out from surgery and I have hit a wall! I read of my fellow PAO's being finished with their PT and here I am...still. My physical therapist, Paul saw the look on my face, that look of "I'm in pain, but dammit I am going to win this battle" and that is when the talk came. Paul called over another PT who is well versed in Strain / Counterstrain. I am still having problems with my muscles communicating properly with my brain. And with more probing, they are pretty positive that it is a labral tear in my hip. I am under strict orders not to do any more lower body work outs until advised. And Paul has limited my PT to one time a week to try and get me to rest more. I have a call into my surgeon to see if I can go in for surgery in May instead of June. June was the targeted month for my screw removal, but I am really hoping for May since a) don't want to be in pain anymore and b) don't want to be sedentary anymore. I am a very active person and this "resting" thing is killing me. I physically feel ill when I can't work out!

To add insult to injury on Friday I went to go down to the basement and get something when I fell down the steps!! I tried to throw my weight and managed to land much harder on my left side, but still hurt the op (right) side pretty good. I called the surgeon and he feels that I did not do any damage. I have had a clicking sensation when I walk ever since the fall. If that and the pain do not go away within the next week, I am to call them and get in to see them. UGH!!!

My main goal is to stay strong until the next surgery. I was so very close to having this all behind me and then WHAM!! I just want to be able to enjoy the things I did before. Positive thoughts!!!

6 Months Post RPAO

2009-03-24T09:11:00.005-04:00

Technically it is 6 months and one week from my original surgery on September 16th, 2008. I am allowed to start jogging/running now. This makes me very happy - my hips however - not liking the running just yet.

I am still in physical therapy, but I am hoping that will end soon. As I said in my last post I have a possible labrum tear. I am almost convinced of this now because the pain in that area will not go away. I told Paul (my PT) that I feel like I am in a holding pattern until June. June is when the doctor is going to take the screws out and do a hip scope (if I am still in pain). I have gotten a little better in the last month - but nothing huge. My theory is to try not to think about how slow things have been going and only think about how far I have come.

From the technical aspect of things:

I am able to run - as tolerated
In P.T. I have been working on agility drills to help get me back into tennis
My scar looks pretty good and I am surprised at how quickly it has healed
I still have to lift my leg onto the gas and brake when I first get into the car - but I am working on this in therapy
I still have some pain during and after a work out
On rainy days I feel like I am 90 years old - as I now "feel" the weather. The doctor told me that this is not an old wives tale, but that people who have anything done with their bones are more adapt to "feel" the weather

On a much happier and brighter note - I am anxiously awaiting April 19th. That will be my first practice as the Tennis Coach for Special Olympics Area M. I am very excited and nervous all at the same time. I hope that I can do as good of job as everyone has faith in me to do.

Also on April 19th - I will walk 3 miles for the MS walk-a-thon. I have done this every year since I found out that one of my closest friends was diagnosed with MS. I walk for her and all of the many others who have MS. I truly hope that in our lifetime there will be a cure.

So it seems that I will do my best to continue to heal and regain my strength until June. Life should keep me pretty busy until then...

Pitty party over

2009-02-20T14:53:00.002-05:00

I am done with my pity party! Quite frankly pity parties aren't my bag! I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and that God only give you what you can handle (damn, he has a lot of faith in me). With that said...everyone deserves one day to be "off" and feel down - the next day is a new day and time to move on.

I had another post-op appointment with Goodspeed yesterday. I am not exactly sure what I was hoping to get out of that appointment - I guess I was hoping to go in, tell him about the muscle pain and weakness, and for him to say "Ah, I see. Here is what is wrong, and here is how we can fix it". That did not happen. He told be that the bones look great and from a surgical aspect I am right where I should be. My range of motion has increased since December (last appointment) and the strength tests that they do improved. Heck, my range of motion is better in my PAO hip then it is in my left (but that hip is next for surgery). Goodspeed said the only thing he could think is that I have a labrum tear. He did not see one during the PAO surgery, but said it could have happened since. The only way to know is to do a scope which he will not do until I get my screws removed at the 9 month mark. My 9 month mark is June.

I also had PT that day. I had my pity moment with Paul and voiced my frustration. But then the old Renee came through. I told him that if Goodspeed says I shouldn't be having pain and everything looks good - then it is time to kick it into high gear and fight through the pain. Goodspeed let Paul know that we could start doing more aggressive exercises. He also said I could start jogging at 6 months (March 16th...but who's counting). We did some new exercises - some hurt like a bitch, but I did them.

As you will find I have a lot of beliefs or philosophies. I truly believe overcoming things is part ability and part mind over matter. If you have it in your head that you're going to fail, well, then you most likely will. But if you have it in your head that you can overcome the obstacle - you will!! Positive thinking can be hard sometimes - but it is a key element in the healing and recouping process.

5 month (and 2 days) Post-op

2009-02-18T13:35:00.002-05:00

Warning: this is somewhat of a pity party...I have been feeling down about my progress and needed to get it all out. Sorry for the lack of happiness. I hope to be back to our regularly scheduled programming soon!

Well it has been 5 months and 2 days since my original POA surgery. Today and the past couple of weeks have not been the best for my recovery. I have been in a lot of pain and discomfort. I feel as though I took a giant leap backwards.

Last week we had a breakthrough in physical therapy. I have not been progressing forward and this concerned my physical therapist, Paul, and myself. Paul asked another PT her thoughts on my situation. She came over to my PT table, put her hand on my hip as I was laying down. She had me relax and she moved my leg into a position, all while still having her hand on my hip. She looked over at Paul and said this was the reason that I was not getting better. My muscle is in one giant ball and can't relax. She said that this can happen with people who have hip surgery where cutting the muscle is involved and since I had it done twice - my muscle is not happy. Apparently, my brain and muscle are not working well together. So to help this, my PT is now doing what they call "Strain / Counterstrain" movements with me. Paul has be relax (which is not easy) and then he moves my leg and hip into positions that help the muscle relax. It has only been a week of this, so I am not sure how well it is working.

I have been feeling pretty down lately because of all of this. My biggest problem is that my heart and head are in it, but my body is not. I want soooo badly to be jogging and doing everything that I use to be able to do. I am really scared that I will not be ready to play tennis and that is something I look forward to doing all winter. I am also very, very concerned with gaining weight. I have come so far in my weight loss that I fear gaining even a pound. I was down 100 pounds, but when I started PT and the gym again, I gained 10, so now I am only down 90 pounds.

Anyway, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow with the surgeon and the infectious disease doctor, so I plan to talk to them about all of this. The pain and the fatigue is really wearing me down. Not to mention the fact that my boss is starting to think I am using my hip surgery as a crutch. I could not even imagine doing that...I want to be better in the worst way!!! I just wish I would not have had so many complications.

16 Weeks Post Surgery

2009-01-09T10:29:00.002-05:00

If you have been following the blog, 1st - thank you, 2nd - you know that my surgery recovery has not been cookie cutter, with having to get a second surgery due to infection. However, I am on the right track now and have been doing great. So below is a breakdown of the recovery process.

"Forgetting" cane at home
Gate is getting better when I walk - a little less wobbling (more when I am really tired)
The hip flexor muscle is getting stronger every day - have some pain at the end of the day from working out, but I attribute that to the fact that a) the muscle had to be cut during surgery and b) I am actually using the muscle again
As for the numbness - I still have that on the side of my leg from the hip to the knee, but the numbness in the front is starting to go away
Getting in and out of the car is still a little tricky if I don't "think" about what I am doing
Squatting down to the floor and getting back up is getting there but not 100% yet
My range of motion is getting better
I sleep well throughout the night - even on my right side

Back to life...

2009-01-08T13:30:00.003-05:00

I am getting back to life as it was prior to PAO surgery. Every day I am amazed at how I progress with my mobility and strength. I am "forgetting" my cane at home now; although I do need to still have it in the trunk of the car for backup. When I get tired my limp starts to come back.

PT - Yesterday I had PT in the pool. I really enjoyed that. The entire pool was a treadmill; it is a platform that is flush with the floor, then once you step onto it the therapist lowers you into the water...very cool. This was my only pool session at PT as I will use the exercises at the pool in the gym.

"Land" PT has been going great. My therapist, Paul, has been wonderful. He asked the other day if I felt he was doing all he could or if I had hit a plateau in my recovery. I promptly responded that if it wasn't for him I would not be where I am. I said that a week ago I was not able to jog on the treadmill, and that day I was able to. When I say "jog" it is only for a couple of minutes until I start wobbling, but hey it is start!! There was a time after the surgery and the complications that I thought I wouldn't be able to raise my leg up when laying down or return to my previous sports, but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

If anyone practices yoga, Pilate's, or good health they know that a persons "core" needs to be strong. Unfortunately, my core has become really weak from all the down time. Paul has been helping me to get this back. I had PT on Tuesday and I was in a full sweat by the time I was finished. I told Paul PT is starting to feel like training sessions. And I love every minute of it.

Gym - On top of have PT twice a week I have returned to the gym. I am able to do about 20 minutes on the bike and 15 minutes on the treadmill. I also am starting to get back to strength training. Wow!! I have gotten weak!! Although I am see things get toned again. So my typical day at the gym includes cardio, strength training (alternating between arms; chest, back, shoulders; and legs depending on the day). I think it will be a while until I am able to play racquetball again. It feels WONDERFUL to be back at the gym (my second home). I just can't wait for February when all the "New Year's Resolution" people disappear.

Work - I really missed my office. I designed my own office when my company bought our new building. I painted the walls in a vibrant two shade golden color. I have pictures, plants, and some other memorabilia so that I feel comfort in my office. I look at as I spend a majority of my day in it, so it needs to feel good and send good vibes. Not to mention I feel so much more productive in my office. Working from home is great - but I did not have access to all of my files making it harder and longer to get some things done. Plus interacting with people other than my mom (who played chauffeur) and my physical therapist makes me feel like the normalcy is being restored.

I am working shorter days (leaving at 3 instead of 5) until I can build my stamina back. I have been anemic since surgery and I have a really hard time getting through a full day. I just went to the doctor last Friday and my H & H levels were really low and my iron is low. I am now on an iron supplement to help that.

So that's that. I am getting better and stronger everyday. And looking forward to getting back to 100% and maybe even better than I was!

Thanks for reading!! See you next post!!

Let's Play Catch Up...

2008-12-29T15:17:00.003-05:00

WOW!! I can not believe it has been over two months since I posted...sorry to anyone who may be following along. Let's plat a little game of catch up, shall we.

October 2008

As mentioned in the last post, I came home from the second surgery with a PICC line in my right arm. Unfortunately within one week I was back in the hospital, this time with a blood clot right at the PICC line. What a horrible experience!!! I went to Hershey ER. I laid in an ER bed for 20 hours until a nurse on the the day shift finally helped me. Before that everyone was giving me the run around and would not call my ortho team because this was not an "ortho case". I was in terrible pain, both in my hip and my arm. It was not until the next day that the nurse (new to my case) looked and saw how long I had been there started to let heads roll. My ortho team got word that I was in the ER and found out what was going on; they then proceeded to tell the ER docs to basically kiss off. I was admitted for two days and had a new PICC line put into my left arm. I left the hospital with a new complication...a blood clot. I had to give myself Lovenox injections into the stomach once more (I had to do this right after the 1st surgery) and eventually was put on Coumidin to thin the blood and dissolve the clot.

After all of that the rest of October was pretty uneventful. I was happy that I was able to sit out on the front porch with my mom and hand out candy to the trick or treaters. That has been a tradition since D & I got married 8 years ago. As far as the hip...no weight bearing yet, but boy is my upper body strength starting to get really good.

November 2008

Ah, November...the start of the true healing. On November 6th I went back to see Dr. Goodspeed and received much better news than last time. I was able to put 50% weight bearing on my right hip. Wow, you don't even know how good those words sounded!! It was like he had given me the greatest gift. Not only that but he wanted me to start physical therapy (PT). I had really been looking forward to PT as before the surgery I was a bit of a gym rat or activity hound. Sitting around for almost two months was not my bag.

On November 12th I started PT. Oh my, how weak I had become!! I could hardly do the exercises Paul had given me to do. I had some pain but it was mostly just discomfort. The pain came when something new was introduced.

December 2008

On December 9th I was allowed to become full weight bearing!!! Woohoo!!!! I knew that technically I couldn't, but I felt as though I could run a marathon that day. I believe that was the day that I really started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Up until this point I was having doubts that I would be able to make a full recovery - there had been sooo many unforeseen complications along the way.

PT with full weight bearing brought many new exercises, and with those new exercises brought new movement with new pains. But now the pain seems all worth it. No pain, no gain, right?

On December 18th I had another appointment with Dr Goodspeed. This appointment went very well. My mom and I got to see the before and after of my hip surgery. Wow, what a difference!! I have been having a lot of pain in my left hip (the one not operated on) during therapy. I asked Goodspeed if I should buy by plane tickets for a trip to Ireland in October '09 or schedule my surgery for the left hip. He said that I will be ok to buy the plane tickets! Ireland her I come.

On December 29th I returned to work. I thought I could do full days, but I was sadly mistaken. I will only be working until 3pm until I can get my stamina back up. Not to mention my driving skills back; I am still having trouble moving my leg around to put it on and take it off of the gas and break, which make rush hour a bitch.

I am slowly getting back to the real world, and it feels great.

Home from the hospital...again!!

2008-10-13T12:33:00.003-04:00

So, I know on my last post that I said I would post about was happened at the doctors. Well, my post-op appointment did not go as planned. In the evening of Friday, October 3rd I found a large lump at my incision. I got really scared and thought that I had over done it on Friday because I had done the stairs like 3-4 times that day. Doug got me an ice pack - but that didn't work. I really thought that my screws were coming loose (the ones in my hip silly people). I didn't want to go to the ER over the weekend - well merely because if you have ever sat in the ER you would understand.

Turns out I should have went to ER over the weekend. When I got to the doctors, Dr. Goodspeed's med student, Bryan, took a look at my incision and the lump. He told me that I had an infection and that they were going to have to open me back up and scrape it out!! What the hell!!??!! No, no, no, this appointment was to have good news - not this. Dr. Goodspeed came in and said that yes, indeed I would need surgery - and it was going to have to be the same day.

Doug drove me across the hospital campus to the hospital and they admitted me. My appointment was at 10 am and my surgery was to be after 6pm. Thus no food!! I had the worst headache by the time my surgery came around at 8pm.

The infection was luckily superficial (on the surface). However Dr. Goodspeed had seen some puss (I know - gross) near the bone and hardware. So they decided to treat it as a bone infection. They told me that there wasn't anything that I did wrong with cleaning. The infection was because of the tricky spot the incision was at.

I have very small and deep veins that roll. This makes I.V's not so much fun. In the course of the week in the hospital I blew 3 I.V's and the veins refused the 4th. And that is not including all of the sticks.

So after a week in the hospital I got home on Saturday. I have a Picc line in my arm and am administering my own I.V. meds every 6 hours!! and I earned myself 6 more weeks off. UGH!!! I am fortunate to be able to work from home, but it is not as easy as if I would be in my office with everything around me.

As far as the hip recovery... I am doing well I guess. I have been have a lot of burning, tingling, pain in my leg. They said that this is due to the fact that my muscle and nerve were cut and re-attached. Ice and nerve medication is helping with this. I am starting to move around a little better. While I was in the hospital, PT worked with me to ditch the walker. I am now using crutches.

I go back to the doctor in 2 weeks, so lets hope that appointment goes a little better!!!

I'm Home!!!

2008-09-21T12:08:00.000-04:00

**A quick note - sorry this is so long, I kept adding to it, but never posted, I will start to do more posts so they are shorter**

I came home Saturday, September 20th. I was to come home on Friday but the social worker at the hospital decided that Fridays were not for working and did not order my walker or crutches. UGH!! Anyway, me and all of my equipment are home.

I live in a two story house that only has one bathroom...on the second floor. So I got acclimated to the stairs very quickly. I won't be doing them too much right now, as that wears me out very quick. Doug has been an absolute dream. Everything that I have needed he has bent over backwards to get me. It is going to take me a while to let people do things for me. I am very stubborn (isn't the first step - admitting) and have always been the helper not the helpee.

Doug has installed handicap bars in the bathroom. I have a potty riser, walker, and crutches. It is amazing how this surgery ages you by 50 years! Good thing it only ages you for a couple of months.

First Week Home - The first week seemed to fly by. I had so many people coming to see me that the days went really fast. I hate taking pain pills (everyone knows this), so everyone has been trying to convince me that it is OK to not be a hero and take the meds. I did pretty good only taking pills two to three times a day. The morphine was giving me headaches so I tried to take that as little as possible and stuck mainly to the Oxycodone.

Second Week - Before the surgery I decided that I would work from home while I recoup. After all I am the controller at my company and for many things if i don't do them, they won't get done. That is not a dis to any of my co-workers, there are just some things that only I know how to do. This has been challenging. I have worked from home before on days where I was out because of a cold or asthma, but I have always been able to take the stuff I did at home back into work and file it or do what I needed to do. I am totally dependent on my boss right now, who has been a gem working with me. He brings me work to my house two days a week and I give him stuff that needs to be taken back to the office. I never really thought that my two bosses realized just how much I did for their company, but I believe that they are realizing it now. The other day my boss told me that I was running him like crazy and that his days were going a lot faster. And just think - he is only doing half of what I do - so that made me feel really good. Nothing like a little job security

As far as recouping - the end of the week has been a little rough. I have felt a little more down as the week went on. I hate looking at my leg and knowing that it won't and I can't move it. I have a large bump right at my incision, which is scaring the hell out of me, but it has also caused that section of my incision to come open. I thank God I am going to the doctor on Monday. The pain is getting a lot better, at least if I really concentrate on mind of matter. I have been trying to only take the Oxycodone once a day. First of all I hate the way meds make my head feel (nope never experimented with pot - and I am pretty sure I wouldn't like it seeing as I hate the "high" feeling from these pills); secondly, I do not want to come out of this surgery recoup addicted to pain meds!! I am motoring around better with my walker. My friend Fred finds it absolutely hilarious that I am using a walker. He calls be "broke ass" or "hop along" depending on his mood.

Present Day - Today, Sunday (two days before 3 weeks since surgery) I broke down. I may have mentioned this a time or two, but I was (am) a very active person. Sitting for two days when I am sick is hard so these past two weeks at home have been a little tricky. Today I cried, a lot actually. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. I know darn well there are people out there that are much worse off than I am and some won't get any better, but today I needed to cry. Doug felt helpless, he didn't know what to do to make me stop crying. Truth be told, there really was nothing he could do, I just needed to let it out. I was feeling down, not to mention that I was really weak today. I am glad that I lost a lot of wait before getting this surgery because lugging around your body can wear you out quickly. You know how your arms feel the day or so after a great work out? Well, mine have been feeling that way every day! They are so sore from my shoulder down to the thumb joint. I think a lot of the hand pain comes from having to grasp the walker and the railing when I want to go downstairs.

I go to the doctor tomorrow. I am anxious to go. I hope I hear some good news; I am not sure exactly what I want to hear, but I hope it is good. I know it will be a little painful and tiring tomorrow seeing as I have another appointment with a different doctor before the surgeon, but I am looking forward to getting out!! I do not know how people live like hermits. It has only been two weeks at home and already I am a little stir crazy.

Well I know this post was extremely long - so thank you for sticking it out to the end. I promise from here on out the posts will be shorter and more frequent. I will let you know how the doctors went. 'Til then!!

Less than two weeks and counting...

2008-09-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

I think that the last two weeks before surgery are going to be brutal!! They seem like they are moving so slow, but then again I feel like I have so much to do. I "googled" PAO surgery and found quite a few blogs of people who are going through or went through the same thing. In a way it has been a comfort to know that there are other people like me. I came across Beth's blog. She has been very helpful, even emailed me to let me know of a group on yahoo called the "hipsters". I logged on and found a wonderful list of items to get or do for surgery prep. Some things I would have never thought of!

This weekend I plan to go get some of the items including silky PJ's (again would have never thought of this) because they said the silky ones help you to move in and out of bed better. My friend has a shower chair for me and I have a potty seat lift.

My other form of prep is that of keeping my sanity. I do soooo many things now like tennis, mountain biking, kayaking that I am very afraid that I will go stir crazy. I love to knit so I have stocked up on projects. If all goes well, many people will be happy this Christmas.

I also went to the podiatrist to see about what I thought was corn removed. Turns out it is a bone sticking out!! Then he also pointed out that the protrusions by my big toes were bunions. WTF!!! I though only old ladies got bunions, I am 27 years old!!! It is because of my flat feet. He wants me to have surgery to correct them, as it will only get worse as I get older. UGH! Another surgery. I tried to get them to do that surgery and my PAO at the same time, but they will not. So I am now facing another surgery...UGH

So anyway...that is where I am, just continuing the prep work until the big day.

Hello...is this thing on?

2008-08-28T22:00:00.000-04:00

So this blog has been a long time coming. I read a lot of knitting blogs and now facing my PAO surgery I am reading fellow "hipster" blogs. Let me give you some background. I am 27 years old and I enjoy sports. I play tennis, mountain bike, kayak, hike, jog, go to the gym, and do whatever athletic thing tickles my fancy! I have never really know when to quit. When I am not going buck wild out doors, I am knitting. No knitting does not age me, just take a look around...there are many young and cool knitters. Knitting is not your grandma's knitting these days.

I am two weeks away from having my life changed dramatically (and hopefully for the better). On September 16th I will go in for PAO surgery to correct very painful hip dysplasia. I am scared shit less (yes there will be swearing in this blog...sorry I'll try to keep it to a minimum). I went today for my pre-op appointment. I came home and googled "PAO surgery" and could not believe the community of fellow PAOers. All of which have helped to ease my mind as a read them. So I figured I would return the favor and document my surgery from beginning to end of full recovery. On this blog you will read about the PAO surgery as well as my adventures in life and knitting. I hope you'll stay and read.